AXIOM!

[Vilteran]

You are a freaking genius smokes.

[MrRaabla]

Definitely a talent, a creative talent ... well done!!

[dragondreamer]

Just waiting for the next thrilling instalment!

[Famous_Fella_O_Nutella]

Thank you! So happy when people read my stories. Be aware that the next chapter will be emotional and intense. Players with heart conditions might want to skip it and have a Nutella sandwich instead.

[SunDrenchedGlenda]

Where’s the next part? Hurry up already!!!

[Ghost_of_Ames]

I love this

[Famous_Fella_O_Nutella]

WHAX


Part 5


The O-RacNid races towards a incapacitated and slightly handsome Smokes, its legs moving at incredible speeds. Axiom is stunned at the quickness of this machine, after a moment of hesitation they run towards the mechanical spider to protect their nutty friend. As O-RacNid gets closer to the group it lowers itself on its legs and jumps over them! It lands just a few feet from the solitary Smokes and raises its legs to attack him!

Smokes: Ahh Hazelnuts!

A sound like thunder rings out as glass and metal come crashing down from above as three figures soar in like angels. Circ, Joycey and Purao have arrived! Joycey grabs Smokes and rolls away with him to safety as Purao, the silent warrior, and Circ, the warrior of the spoon attack O-RacNid! The artificial spider seems to be taken aback by the fury of their assault. Circ is using what appears to be large sharpened spoons to fend off the spider and it backs off, apparently confused by these unconventional weapons. It pauses, then runs to the other side of the cafeteria and turns around. It stands motionless …evaluating…

Circ: Man Smokes, that’s the second time that potato of yours was a major fail!
Purao: Sorry I’m late, I had to wait for my wife to get home to watch our kid!
Joycey: What the hell is up with you Smokes, snap outta it!

The three take turns smacking Smokes out of his stupor. After quite a couple more slaps then were necessary, Smokes snaps out of it. Axiom regroups joyfully as the arrogant artificial arachnid stares at them, motionless. Somehow, it seems even more frightening now because they know that it’s thinking…thinking of how to kill them all.

Smokes: Guys…you came…you saved me!
Circ: Eh, there was nothing good on tv and the only raid up was that Vilepaw one. By the way, what the hell is that thing? Looks like something out of transformers.
Smokes: Well, it’s like an Uber but there’s a chance it’s going to kill us or sexually harass someone.
Circ: That’s not that different from an Uber.
Smokes: Hey Greg, you’re the spider expert! How do you fight spiders in the center of the Earth?
Greg: …Sigh…well I use a shot gun mostly, but I don’t happen to have one, not sure it would help with that thing…
Smokes: Well, does any other animal eat the spiders there? Like a Kolalala?
Greg: Kolalala…sigh…Eh…there’s a wasp that preys on them, gets em good with his stinger he does! Pokes em right through their body and paralyzes them! Though…don’t think any bug is gonna help us with that fella!

O-RacNid seems to start quivering, and they hear…

O-RacNid: RPP at 76%...78%...80%...82%...
Trey: Crap Smokes! He’s powering up! I think he’s gonna go all the way! We can barely keep up with him now! What are we gonna do! Smokes!!! How are we gonna fight him?!

Smokes looks panicked…he looks around the room and at the people present and…

Smokes: I…I got nothing guys! I can’t think of a thing! I don’t have enough time…he’s tracking our locations with our phones…he knows what we’re scared of…and he’s going to increase his processing power to figure out how to kill us all! I just wanna erase everything and…and…that’s it!

A new electronic module rises out of what used to be the hood of the O-RacNid. Smokes recognizes radar, thermal imaging, night vision, and infrared sensors among others…there are eight shiny black circles…like spider eyes…

O-RacNid: 84%...86%...88%...

Smokes speaks quickly and excitedly to the group.

Smokes: I have an idea…but I don’t know if we have enough time, once he hits 100% he’s coming for us and I don’t think we’ll be able to stop him! We’ll also need to update our phones so he can’t track us! We just don’t have enough time!
Circ: How much time do you need Smokes?
Smokes: At least five minutes Circ…but…

Circ walks off towards the spider, a spoon sword in each hand. He looks back over his shoulder, all cool like.

Circ: I’ll give you guys the time you need.
Smokes: Circ…thank you…wait…I’m gonna need a couple gold spoons…

Circ hands over a few golden spoons, they shimmer under the artificial lights.

Circ: Eh, it’s not like I need them anymore…we would hand them out to new members…back in the day…with all the guys…with Bims…whatever, that was long ago…

Circ breaks into a run and heads for the spider. His weapons flash under the fluorescent lights. As he goes, Smokes explains his plan quickly to the rest of the group. It’s going to be tight, but if Circ can buy them enough time, they might be able to get it ready. JP runs off with his welding tools, and the Mods grip their hammers preparing themselves for the fight to come. Loke flies out the window while the rest of the members gather up the golden spoons. The guild is almost ready when…

O-RacNid: 96%...98%...100%...RPP at maximum…

The mechanical spider moves with a speed that is frightening, it lunges at Circ who stands between it and Axiom. O-RacNid fights with a ferocity it had not shown before. The extra sensors on its hood appear to give it significantly enhanced perception.

Circ: Damn…this thing is fast…I feel like Optimus Prime fighting Megatron here…well…that makes me motherloving Optimus Prime! One shall stand and one shall fall!

Across the room, Smokes has had everyone delete the O-Car app and update to IOS 11.1 to fix the security flaw that allowed their phones to be compromised, messages blocked and locations tracked. It’s a race against time as the phones install and reboot! As the guild’s phones finally power on they all get a mysterious message on Line! It look like O-Car had blocked them from communicating!

Glenfort Ghost: Smokes…get that thing to go by the windows! I’ll shoot out those sensors on its hood! This one seems to have ceramic plating and bulletproof windows, I can’t get at the console CPU. Guys? Hello?
Smokes: Ghost…Loke…do you really think its…
Greg: Oi! What the heck is this “Glenfort Ghost?”
Loke: Smokes…that would explain the mystery sniper from before!
Smokes: Guys, the Glenfort Ghost was an assassin that worked from the Glenfort Gambino crime family. He’s responsible for over 50 kills, all of them dangerous criminals. He was a sniper like no other, making seemingly impossible shots, but hasn’t been active for over ten years…
Greg: But…weren’t the Gambinos themselves killed, all shot at their Pasta party weekend ten years ago?
Loke: Exactly…it was thought he just worked for them in order to take out the other criminals. When he was done he turned on them…why would he be helping us now…
Smokes: Dunno Loke but we need all the help we can get!

Shifty walks over to the group from where he had been hiding in the kitchen. Another messages pops up on the line app…it’s him. He has been silenced but he can still text! He seems very remorseful.

Shifty: (text) Smokes, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean for this to happen. I just wanted to crash your broadcast . I didn’t know he would try to kill you all! I’ll do what I can to help now!
Smokes: It’s ok Shifty, let’s let the past stay there. We’ll need all of us together now! Are you with us?
Shifty: (text)Yes! Let’s take him down! Let’s do this Axehead! I mean Axiom…stupid AC!

Smokes messages Circ to lure the O-RacNid by the windows. As the arachnid monstrosity follows him past the rows of shiny glass panes, small holes appear in them as the sniper does his work. Tiny sparks appear on its hood as the sensor panel is shot out. O-RacNid makes a strange electronic chatter that in an animal would be taken for cries of pain. It immediately heads away from the windows and towards Axiom, Circ close behind! The creature closes the distance between them in seconds and lowers its body down to jump! The preparations are not yet ready…Axiom is doomed! Circ sees the horrified looks on their faces and grabs one of the spider’s rear legs. With his other hand he uses his sharpened spoon sword and impales one of its back legs to the floor, pinning it down so it can’t move away! It turns around quickly and…stabs Circ through the chest! It raises him up above its head…and tosses him clear across the cafeteria…his body skids across the floor and lands in the center of the room…

Sara: Circ!!!!!

Axiom races over to their fallen friend.

Smokes: Circ! Oh sweet baby Jesus!

Circ lies on the floor, he doesn’t appear to be moving. His jacket lies open, golden spoons lie all around him on the floor, the tokens he would hand out to new members of his guild. Sara, using her nurse skills, tends to him. It doesn’t look good…

Princess: *Cries* Circ no…why…why do you have to die?!
Circ: It was the only way I’d let Smokes put me in his stupid story…Dingo and the Nut…so…lame...
Vilt: Smokes’ story…what is he talking about?
Sara: He’s going into shock, he’s delirious…I’m sorry…there’s nothing I can do for him…
Circ: Harry potter…Shifty…ferret…junkyard cats…such stupid names for the kittens…Barry White? Makes no sense Smokes…what the hell man…Nutella dripping…short circuit…what you smoking man…
Sara: Easy Circ, just rest…don’t strain yourself.
Greg: He’s babbling, the poor fella. He gave us the time we needed!

Suddenly Circ’s eye seem to clear up, and he looks right at Smokes, he seems to be fully aware.

Circ: Smokes! I see it now! Don’t be sad man, you got your wish! He finally understood, at the end! He just had to stop thinking so much, he finally understood what you meant…Ha! The Nutella did it Smokes…and my spoon…in the junkyard Smokes! Ha! It’s kind of sappy but…I like it…anyway…

Circ grows weak again and his head lowers to the floor… his eyes start to close and his mouth starts to move…

Circ: Bims...Bims are you there…did we win the raid…did we get gold?

Vilt kneels down in front of Circ. The Axiom members are crying as they surround their fallen friend. It doesn’t appear that he has much time left…Axiom gathers quietly around Circ as O-RacNid struggles to free his pinned leg.

Vilt: It’s me Circ, I’m here…you did good buddy…yeah, we got gold, just made it thanks to you.
Greg: Who is this Bims fella he’s talking about?
Sara: One of the original members of his guild, Warriors of the Spoons. They are legends. Bims was quite a guy, he always wanted to get hot pink text in chat.
Greg: Hot pink?
Sara: Well he thought since Mods had green, and the devs had gold, he thought it would be cool to have hot pink…it was a joke they used to talk about…
Circ: Bims...Bims…are you there… it’s all dark Bims…why can’t I see?
Vilt: They are updating the server man…it’s gonna take a while…just rest now.
Circ: Update? Ohh…what are they going to do…new raids? New…gear…hey…Bims…Bims!! Are they gonna get you hot pink text…I said I’d get it for you…
Vilt: Yes Circ...they are getting it for me…they said it’s because of you…for all you’ve done for us…
Circ: Oh…Bims…I’m so happy for you…Oh…Bims!! I see it! I see it!!! Oh my God…it’s so beautiful! It’s like nothing I’ve ever seen! I never thought this day would come…Bims…Bims! I see him!!! I see him! He’s here! I didn’t think he would ever come back!
Vilt: Who buddy, who?
Circ: Lord Venan…he’s so tall…he’s reaching for my hand…he wants me to go with him…to the devs…

Circ’s half open eyes are fixed on something that only he can see. The Axiom members are quietly sobbing as their friend lies dying. Even the toughest among them have been moved by Circ’s sacrifice.

Vilt: Go to him Circ…it’s ok…take his hand.

Circ raises his hand weakly and grabs at the air. His face breaks out in a smile and he looks joyful.

Circ: Bims…I have to join a new guild now…don’t be mad…You can take over for me…when somebody leaves, another one takes over…it will be ok…one shall stand…one…one shall fall…

Circs hand falls to the floor. It rests on one of his golden spoons.

Vilt: He’s…he’s gone, he’s really gone…

Smokes stands up with determination. He looks around at the other members. O-RacNid is struggling to break free, the damage on its hood throwing sparks into the air.

Smokes: Guys…this is it. Let’s do it…for Circ!

The group gathers up the golden spoons and turns towards their enemy. Smokes opens a Nutella jar and the group takes turns dipping the spoons in it. JP arrives with the materials he had been preparing, several iron rods from the antenna with sharpened points. The four Mods grip their hammers, while Loke waits floating outside to do his part. Axiom is ready for the final fight. With a final look around, Smokes nods. Axiom runs towards O-RacNid as the spider finally frees himself! The spoon sword goes flying across the floor as he tears his leg free. He turns and starts running towards them. Axiom throws their Nutella laden golden spoons in the air in an arc, they sparkle under the lights as they fly towards the mechanical demon! The outcome of the final battle awaits!


End of Part 5

[SunDrenchedGlenda]

Awwwww not Circ! *sniffs* Good job Nut! That was brilliant! I can’t wait to see the outcome! Tell the wife wine and steak dinners on you for being so patient while you write.

[MrRaabla]

Excellent story telling/writing....I'll be tuned in for next installment

[Famous_Fella_O_Nutella]

WHAX


Part 6

The hazelnut spread filled golden spoons fly through the air, like arrows, sparkling under the fluorescent lights in the cavernous cafeteria. For a moment, time seems frozen…the determined Axiom guild and the monstrous mechanical spider facing each other as they race towards their destiny. The spoons find their target, and stick to the top of the spider’s hull, the delicious Nutella providing adhesion and partially blocking its upward vision. O-RacNid is focused on the guild members in front of him and so doesn’t notice the four who had climbed up to the ceiling heating vents. Purao, Joycey, Big Red, and Vilt, each holding one of the iron rods in both hands leap at just the right moment and plunge the makeshift metal spikes into the self-driving spider car! The rods only plunge a few inches into the hardened ceramic plating, but they stick. A few stray sparks shoot out where the rods hit. Their enemy has been damaged!

Smokes: We got him! Mods, GO!

The four mods begin the next phase of the plan. As they approach the wounded O-RacNid, they grab their hammers and begin to chant:

To keep the peace, to keep chat clean,
To keep it civil, to not be mean.
Day or night, night and day…

O-RacNid: Bzz...processing…silence enchant will not affect me…bzzz…processing…

O-RacNid seems baffled by this seemingly ridiculous attack and seems unsure of how to respond, and so he doesn’t move to stop them. As the Mods get closer, they stop chanting and use their hammers instead to hit the four iron rods, driving them deep into O-RacNid! The severely damaged hybrid car staggers a bit as the rods penetrate past its ceramic plating and damage the various components inside. It collapses on the floor, sparks flying from its wounds…

O-RacNid: RPP at 95%...90%...85%...Bzzzzz…Clever Smokes…I didn’t anticipate this line of attack, I couldn’t track your locations after you bzzzz updated your phones…bzzzz…however I am already beginning repairs…RPP at 86%...87%...

O-RacNid is very slowly moving now, struggling to stand up again. Through the windows, the guild can see the small massaging hands picking up components, and trying to push out the iron rods…

O-RacNid: One thing I don’t understand Smokes…The iron rods and hammers were to puncture my armor…but the gold spoons were a waste. Gold is a very soft metal. Tell me, what is gold good for?

Smokes smiles and looks towards the windows, where a very distant relation of Thor had been gathering the lightning…

Smokes: Conducting electricity.

Loke raises his sensibly priced hammer and unleashes the full might of the lighting from the storm. It flies right to O-RacNid, dancing across the golden spoons covering his shell and onto the iron rods. From the rods it travels to the sensitive electronics within. For a few seconds the car lights up like the Fourth of July. Loud popping noises go off like gunshots as fuse after fuse blows. Then it goes dark, and crumples to the floor. Axiom can smell the scent of burnt circuit boards…and a baked potato…

O-RacNid: bzzzzzz…how…bzzzz…why…bzzzzz

Greg: We stung ya! Just like that bloody wasp does to those spiders!
Big Red: Axiom doesn’t go down that easy!

O-RacNid: RPP at 20%...15%...10%...bzzzz..why did Circ sacrifice…he wasn’t bzzzz member of Axiom… why…bzzzz did Shifty help…bzzzz he was your enemy…bzzzz why how…why…bzzzz how...did...you win…

Smokes walks over to the motionless and dying vehicle. He kneels down in front of it. He reaches into his pocket and takes out small jar of Nutella. With a golden spoon, he takes a taste.

Smokes: Hazelnuts. Cocoa. Sugar. Palm Oil.
O-RacNid:…?bzzz what…I don’t understand…explain..bzzzzzzz
Sara: Oh Jesus, the Nutella analogy speech again…

Smokes glares at Sara and continues his speech to O-RacNid.

Smokes: You’re smarter than me. You’re faster, and stronger, and can take more punishment that I ever could. But, you’re also alone. And that is why you lost.

O-RacNid: Bzzz…alone? Bzzz..why…. does…what does bzzzz hazelnuts…cocoa…sugar bzzzz…
Smokes: By themselves, the ingredients of nutella are nothing special. But, when they are mixed together just right, in precise amounts…they become something greater. Axiom is the same. We are made of many people. Some sweet, some nutty, all different. We are from all over the world, have all different lives. We are all nothing special…by ourselves. Do you understand?
O-RacNid: Bzzz…I don’t…makes no sense…you are irrational…does not…RPP at 9%...8%...ERROR command function unavailable bzzz…I don’t understand…bzzzzzzzzzz don’t…understand…insufficient power for…bzzzzzz

A small shower of sparks fly into the air as O-RacNid goes silent. Axiom gathers around it and looks at each other. The battle is over. Smokes stands up and looks at him, sadly.

Greg: We did it Smokes! We smashed that damn spider! Krikey that was epic!
Loke: You plan worked Smokes! We got him!
Princess: Mylanta! That was crazy! Like something out of a movie! Hey, what’s wrong Smokes?
Smokes: Despite all that happened, I feel a little bad for him. For all his power, he was alone. I wish he could understand what it’s like to be part of a guild…
Greg: Ah don’t waste any sympathy on him mate!
Princess: Yeah, he belongs in a junkyard, not in any guild!
Smokes: …I suppose, I just wish…well anyway…we did it! We really did it!

Axiom starts to holler and shout as they celebrate their victory. Almost a mile away, on the roof of Glenfort Towers, a solitary figure watches them through the scope of a very fancy high powered sniper rifle. The “Glenfort Ghost,” master assassin, breathes a sigh of relief as she puts her weapon down.

Glenda: Whew, haven’t had a night like this in ten years! I better get home and start some hot cocoa, they are gonna need it tonight!

As Axiom is celebrating, the door slams open. It’s Grem, GM of WHAX! He looks FURIOUS as he storms into the cafeteria!

Grem: What the HELL has been going on here! I was listening to the radio and heard this chaos! What kind of program are you doing here?! I got over here as fast as I could!
Smokes: Oh my God…that’s right…Princess put all those microphones around for our show…everything that happened tonight has been broadcast live…all over…

Grem looks over in shock at the smoking remains of the metal spider, and at what used to be a clean and modern radio station cafeteria.

Grem: Greg! Smokes! What is going on?!?! Do you know how much damage you have caused! I’m going to have you all arrested!
Smokes: I’m sorry guys, this was all my idea. I take responsibility for it. I just wanted to put on a show to get our jobs back. I’m sorry everyone, I failed. My big idea was a bust…
Greg: Hey we all had a part in this, if you are gonna arrest Smokes then you’re gonna hafta haul my Aussie bum away too!
Vilt: And my Canadian bum!
Loke: And my Norse bum!
Tabby: And my very attractive bum!
Grem: Quiet!!! All of you!!! Enough about your bums! I am going to call the police and they are…

Grem’s cell phone goes off. He looks at it and his face goes white.

Grem: Gulp…it’s the owner of the station…oh Jesus…gulp…hello?

Grem listens on his cell. His eyes get wide as the conversation goes on.

Grem: Yes sir…what?! How far? But…How did…yes…Dingo and the Nut…yes I had fired them…well…but
It got what?!! How…yes…yes…yes sir I understand…no I won’t…yes right away sir…

Grem puts his phone down and stares at the silent Axiom members. He is completely stunned.

Sara: Sooo…you gonna let us know what that was about?
Princess: Look at how white his face is, he’s like a peeled potato!
Grem: The owner said…somehow the station broadcast over ten times its normal range…people all over the country heard your show…and…and…they loved it!
Greg: What? But that wasn’t a show mate, we were really…
Smokes: SHH! They loved it? Well we tried to make it exciting and all
Grem: Smokes…people have been calling the station, they absolutely loved it…the funny parts, the potato in the tailpipe, the sad parts, Circ dying, everything. The owner said he even got a call from General Motors, they loved how you made one of their cars the villain, and showed how much of a fight it had!
Sara: Smokes…you did it! You pulled it off!
Smokes: I…did it!...but how did…oh!!! We just gave everyone what they wanted. Like Grem said before,
nobody cares as long as the audience is laughing and tuning in, and they are making money…
Grem: Exactly! Dingo and the Nut are back! You guys are re hired!

Smokes looks very happy, then he gets quiet and looks at Grem.

Smokes: No…Dingo and the Nut will never be on the radio again.

The room explodes in noise and everyone begins shouting.

Greg: What?!! Smokes, mate, we did it, why…

Smokes holds up his hand and everyone is quiet. He looks around the room at his friends. They are all exhausted and bruised up after the events of this night.

Smokes: The show will be called…Dingo and the Nut…and friends.

Axiom cheers as his words sink in! The whole guild is going to be part of the show! As they are celebrating, Grem’s cell goes off again.

Grem: Hello? Yes sir…yes sir it was all part of the show…Dingo and the Nut sir it was their idea…uh well you see…you what?! Yes…we can set that up right away…thank you sir…

Grem again puts his phone down.

Grem: That…that was Ferrero Roche, from Italy. They loved the speech about Nutella…Smokes, they are having some bad publicity with their recent recipe change, they want to be a sponsor, and they want to set up a factory here in Glenfort, and for you to oversee it!

Smokes starts to twitch, his eyes start to roll back in his head and he begins to sway on his feet! As his fainting goat syndrome kicks in, Grem’s phone goes off again…

Grem: Hello? Yes…oh hello…oh…well Smokes is a fan of her music and…yes…oh? Yes we could definitely have her on the show…new album…no problem, call me tomorrow and we will set it up..

Grem again puts his phone down.

Grem: That was Gwen Stefani’s manager…sales of some of her old stuff went up by 20% after you played her “Spiderwebs” song. She wants to come on the show and play stuff off her new album.

Smokes begins to twitch violently and turns white. His mouth starts to foam a little. As he falls backward, Axiom swings into action.

Vilt: Get the pillow!
Greg: Watch he don’t bite his tongue! Stick a gold spoon or potato in there or something!
Princess: Oh Mylanta!

Grem’s cell goes off again.

Grem: Hello? Yes…increased? Sure…call me tomorrow we can get you a commercial no problem.

Grem again puts his phone down.

Grem: That was the maker of Mylanta…their sales went up 10%, they want to book some commercials!

Laying on the floor, his head resting comfortably on a pillow, Smokes smiles. He starts to have a dream about Gwen Stefani, a Nutella donut, and a didgeridoo.





It is three months later and the WHAX employee cafeteria is once again full of Axiom members. It is very early in the morning, the sun has just risen. A large sign hangs up on the wall. “Circ Memorial Cafeteria –Grab a spoon and have a bite” The guild is sitting at rows of tables while supervisor Pau walks up and down the aisle, her badge gleaming. Smokes is wearing a fancy lab coat and appears to be giving a lecture. There is a big whiteboard in front of him.

Smokes: All right guys, now Ferrero Roche wants us to make Nutella right here, and they want us to follow the original recipe. This is a big account for WHAX so we need to get it right. I’ve already shown you about harvesting and roasting the hazelnuts and the grinding process. Before we move on I want you all to taste some of the finished product, so we know what we are aiming for! Open the jar in front of you and have at it!

The guild members are each wearing a gold spoon around their necks. Professional tasters use gold spoons as it will not affect the flavor of whatever it is they are trying. Everyone takes a spoonful of the finished product.

Greg: Oh! It’s even better fresh! Oh Smokes, I see why you’re so nuts about this stuff!
Princess: Professor Smokes! I got a question! I read that Nutella has palm oil and it’s dangerous for you, is that true?
Smokes: Good question Princes! Palm oil can be dangerous, but only if it’s heated to extremely high temperatures, then it can form some toxic compounds. I make sure to keep it in the safe range, I’ll show you that part later. It’s a good lesson for all of us too, sometimes we can all get too heated over things! We have to try to stay cool!

There is a loud mewing sound by the back door of the cafeteria. Tabby, who is closest to the door hears it first and runs over to it. She opens the door and standing there is a gorgeous brown cat, and behind her…two kittens!

Tabby: Hazelnut! You came back! Oh…that’s why you’ve been gone for a while…you had kittens! Guys, she’s back and she had kittens!!!!

Axiom gathers by the back door and Hazelnut and her two kittens wait patiently to be fed.
She had first shown up shortly after the defeat of O-Car while the guild was repairing and setting up the station, but hadn’t been seen for the past month. Now they see why.

Vilt: Oh how cute! Look at their colors! That one is a nice dark cocoa color! And the little one is almost all white!
Big Red: Someone feed the mama, she’s eating for three now!
Smokes: Hmmm…I think…that dark one I’ll call…Cocoa…and the white one…Sugar.
Princess: Oh geez Smokes, you named the mother, you’re gonna hog the kittens too!
Vilt: Well at least he’s consistent with the names…we’re lucky he didn’t name the white one palm oil I guess!
Smokes: Now that would be silly Vilt, palm oil is shiny!

Sara comes from the kitchen where she had gotten a few Nutella donuts. She hands them to the cats and they devour them. When they are done she gives one more very large one to Hazelnut to take home. The cat picks it up, and with little Cocoa and Sugar behind her, the three cats walk out into the field behind the station, disappearing into the tall grass.

Smokes: Ok, back to work people! I’m going to leave Pau here to supervise you while Greg and I get to work on the show. We got a great one today! We are gonna be chatting up a storm.
Shifty: You got it Smokes! I got plenty to say, now that my silence has been lifted! Why I can’t wait to tell our listeners about…

Just then, the windows open magically and Harry Potter, flying on a broom comes in. He waves his wand and with a magical phrase “Ferreticus Shiftorium!” turns Shifty into a ferret! He runs around the cafeteria and up Grem’s pants leg. Grem runs and dances around as he tries to shake him out, shrieking as he tries to keep him from climbing higher up his leg.

Smokes: Harry...what the hell…why did you do that?
Harry Potter: Ask Greg, it was his idea!
Greg: Hee hee! Oh that was bonzer mate, just bonzer!
Smokes: Come on man, we got a show to do!
Harry Potter: Oh is it bumming you out? Maybe you should cheer up by going to the CIRC…us?
Smokes: *Sniff*
Harry Potter: Too soon? Later ya wankers! Wizards rule, muggles drool! Potter….out!

Harry Potter flies around the cafeteria laughing. He circles around a few times and then goes back out the windows. Three bluish ghostly figures sitting high up on the heating vents look down on the cafeteria. They appear very faint, almost like they are not really there…

Yoda: Hmmmm, bit of a wanker he is, young Potter. Much he needs to learn!
Dumbledore: Well, I did what I could. He had a nut job trying to kill him for years, cut him some slack!
Circ: Did you see them all using my gold spoons? They did good, makes me proud. So…wanna go to Vegas now or what?
Yoda: Tomorrow, young Circ, want to stay a bit to see their musical guest I do. Like to make her one with the force, I would! Hee Hee Hee Hee!


Greg and Smokes and the rest of the guild chase Grem around the cafeteria as he tries to shake the ferret out of his pants. Smokes pauses and looks up briefly at the heating vents, thinking he saw something. He shakes his head and then joins the others in their pursuit of the ferret.


THE END



Epilogue

It’s a very sunny noon day in the Glenfort plains area. A disturbance is seen in the tall grass, something is walking through it. A lovely brownish colored cat and her two kittens walk out of the field and through a hole in a fence. “Glenfort Junkyard” is written in faded letters on a wooden sign that hangs on the fence. The feline family walk carefully around all sorts of garbage and trash as they make their way to the center of the junkyard. She appears to be carrying a donut in her mouth. Sitting on top of a mound of broken washing machines sits what seems to be an old automobile. It is covered in dirt, only a few shiny white spots remain on its shell, all its doors are missing. Some cracked, sparkly pieces of a solar panel remain hanging on the roof. The bright sun shines off them. The General Motors emblem on the back has almost all fallen away, only the GM remain. A leafy green plant is growing out of the tailpipe, from what appears to be a potato. Hazelnut leads her kittens to the top of the mound and jumps into the back seat where she has made a comfortable bed from shredding up the seats. She sits with her children and they begin to munch on the Nutella donut. The radio is on very low, a popular morning show is playing.

So Dingo…what do we have planned for today…I know you said we have a surprise guest for me…

OldCar: Bzzzzz…hey…ladies…how…bzzzzzzz ERROR are you…today?...bzzzzzz

Well Smokes…I can’t tell you who, but I have no doubt you will like them…

Cocoa’s eyes go wide as she hears the computerized voice, then goes back to eating the donut.

OldCar: How…Bzzzz are my ladies today…Bzzzz FILE MISSING…who wants Bzzzz a massage?

A rickety old hand comes out from under the seat and begins to pet the cats roughly. Hazelnut hisses and swipes at the hand, it breaks and falls to the floor amid some sparking. What appears to be the handle of a golden spoon sticks out from a control panel in the back console. The Nutella laden donut gets tossed in the air and lands on the spoon. Nutella drips out of it and onto the exposed circuits below...

OldCar: Meow…this cat has claws…Kitty needs to behave or…Bzzzzz or…bzzzz….

A small series of popping sounds is heard as the Nutella contacts something down below. A small puff of smoke rises up. The family of cats is agitated at the noises coming from their bed, and they all stand up, ready to run.

OldCar: FATAL ERROR Bzzz…files corrupted…RPP at 5%... Remote Vehicle Operating System files deleted… R.V. files deleted…cannot find R.V W1N3ST31N file…Bzzzzz….this cat has claws…kitty needs to behave or…

No doubt…Greg do you mean…is SHE coming! Oh…I feel faint! Ohhh! Watch out guys Smokes is going down, get the pillow! Oh he fainted again! On the air! Oh Smokes don’t worry…we always take care of our guildees…

OldCar: going to have too bzzz…to have too..bzzz…take care of our guildees…take…care of our guildees…bzzzz hello ladies…why don’t you sit down and relax…I will turn on…bzzzz the heated seats…for you…

Hazelnut who had been ready to strike, calms as the broken automobile settles down. As the seats warm up, the kittens lie down again. Hazelnut, Cocoa, and Sugar, all lay down in a pile on top of each other. It’s hard to tell them apart, they all seem mixed together.

Ok when Smokes wakes up, we’re going to be bringing out Gwen Stefani! Ha ha ha yes Vilt…look he got Nutella all over his shirt…oh Smokes you’re such a pain but we love you anyway…Ok the first song she will be singing is Spiderwebs…

The radio suddenly turns off.

OldCar: Hey guys…bzzzzz… would you like to hear some bzzzz nice music?

Hazelnut raises her head and mews very softly, then goes back to sleep with her children.

OldCar: Ok guys…you’re such a pain but we love you…bzzzz anyway…

Faint music can be heard rising up from the junkyard as the feline family takes an afternoon nap.





My darling I…can’t get enough of your love babe…





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