AXIOM!

[MrRaabla]

Well done Smokes, well done!!

[Famous_Fella_O_Nutella]

Well done Smokes, well done!!

thank you sir!!!

[Cheesy]

Quite possibly the most creative content addition to boh in years...good work thanks for the laughs

[Famous_Fella_O_Nutella]

Thank you sir!!!

[Famous_Fella_O_Nutella]

A long time ago, on a server far, far away…

[Famous_Fella_O_Nutella]

Guild Wars

A Hazelnut Hope…

In the darkness of space a small rebel ship is pursued by a giant Venan Star Destroyer. It is under attack and shakes as it’s fired upon by impressive looking lasers, Pew Pew! Princess Pau hurriedly runs along the ship’s corridors. She stops at a small droid and fiddles with some buttons as she inserts a silver disc. She records a brief message, then turns and runs away back down the corridor. The small droid moves on and runs into another very shiny droid, one that seems to be more than a little nervous…

LokePO: Oh heavens Grem2! We are under attack and here you are just standing about!
Grem2D2: Beep boooop beeeeeep!
LokePO: I’m not effeminate! Please I’m insecure enough! I wish you could be more supportive!
Grem2D2: Beeep booooooop beeeeeeeeep!
LokePO: My word! Don’t even bring that up! ONE TIME, it was ONE TIME!
Grem2D2: I don’t got time for this man, we gotta move! The Princess gave me a mission! Let’s get to an escape pod, Mr. Golden Showers!
LokePO: …you can talk normally…all these years…what the…


The small rebel ship shakes as the Star Destroyer’s tractor beam locks on it. The two startled droids scurry off while still arguing and sneak into an escape pod and eject. Shortly after their escape, a small glowing point is seen in the sealed docking door. The glow moves quickly as the thick metal door is cut from the other side, falling with a muffled thud as it hits the deck. A very impressive black figure wearing a fancy electronic suit steps over the door followed by Venan Stormtroopers. The figures pauses and looks around.

Darth Circus: Find her…do not fail me! Find the Princess!!!

The Stormtroopers scurry into the ship and a battle breaks out between the rebels and them. Laser blasts fly as the few rebel soldiers are overrun. In a few minutes the Stormtroopers bring Darth Circus a struggling Princess Pau…

Darth Circus: So Princess, we meet at last. Unluckily for you, today is my cardio day, and I’m just itching for a fight!
Princess Pau: Cardio day? What the hell you talking about Circus?
Darth Circus: My fancy fitbit suit, lets me focus on my target zone for the day. Yesterday was legs, tomorrow is arms, today is heart baby!
Pau: What about your core?
Darth Circus: Every day is core day! God you rebels are pathetic! Now, hand over those plans!!!
Princess Pau: Never Vader! The Empire is going down! We are going to defeat your…

Darth Circus raises his hand and makes a motion. The Princess’ eyes close and she falls to the floor, unconscious. Venan Stormtroopers take her away, back to their Star Destroyer. Darth Circus takes a final look around to see if anyone noticed how cool that looked, but he is alone. Slightly dejected, he walks back to his ship, his fancy suit beeping as his heartrate meets his target for the day.




On the surface of the nearby planet Hazeline, two droids slowly walk from their crashed escape pod. They are on a mission, and travel for miles under the twin suns of this planet. It is the perfect environment for growing hazelnuts, and they enter a field filled with row after row of carefully planted hazelnut trees. A young and slightly handsome young farmer, Smokes Nutwanker, is tending to his crops. He sees the two droids approaching.

Smokes: Golly! What cool droids! We don’t have anything that fancy here on Hazeline!
LokePO: Greetings sir, I am LokePO, and this is my associate Grem2D2. We are here on a mission of the utmost importance!
Grem2D2: Yo, nut boy, we need to find JP Wan Konobi, you know the dude?
Smokes: Nut boy…that’s nut MAN to you, my name is Smokes Nutwanker! JP Wan Konobi…I don’t know anyone by that name…unless you mean old man JP Konobi…he lives not too far from here.
Grem2D2: So…you do know him…geez how long you been out in these suns boy? Take us to him!
Smokes: But…I have work to do, it’s harvest time and I have to pick each of these nuts by hand and…
LokePO: If I might be of service, Master Smokes, I am familiar with over 2,000 different varieties of nuts and I would be most happy to help handle your nuts for you! I can grab them for hours without tiring…
Grem2D2: God man, I’m not even going to…you make it too easy…

The slightly handsome farmer and Grem2D2 head off towards the home of JP Wan Konobi while LokePO happily picks the acres of hazelnuts. The young Smokes leads them to the door of the mysterious hermit. Along the way, Grem2D2 fills in his guide on the story so far.

Smokes: Wow…starships! Battles! The Venan Empire! A princess! Wish I had some excitement in my life, there’s nothing to do on Hazeline but grow Hazelnuts. Well, that and make puppets out of discarded shells. Sometimes I put on little shows with them, they keep me company. I don’t really have any friends here…
Grem2D2: Yeah that’s a shocker….Hey we’re here!

The duo have arrived at the remote home of the mysterious hermit, JP Wan Konobi! They ring the space doorbell and the door opens…

JP: Ahh, yes Smokes, the nut farmer, and a droid? Did you come trying to get people to come to one of your puppet shows? Listen while I admit it does take a lot of skill to make such lifelike puppets, they really creep me out man!
Smokes: No the puppet show won’t be until next week. JP, this droid says he has a message for you! From a Princess!
JP: Princess Natalya?! My Russian space mail order bride?! Is she coming?! Oh God, let me put on my good robe! Oh she must have gotten the money I sent! She’s been asking me for cash and…
Grem2D2: Oh Geez this is the guy the princess is counting on…ah well here goes…

Grem2D2 quickly wheels past JP and turns around. He activates his holographic projector and to the amazement of those there, the small image of Princess Pau appears. She speaks to them!

Princess Pau: General Konobi, years ago you served my father during the Cola Wars. Now he begs you to help him in his struggle against the Venan Empire. I have placed information vital to the survival of the Rebellion in this Grem2 unit. Please bring it to him on my home planet of Great Britainia. The rebel HQ is there. My ship is under attack from the Empire and I will be captured soon. Help me JP, you’re my only hope! The last hope actually, you see all my other hopes have been hunted down and killed by the Empire. Horribly killed in fact. Yeah. So…good luck I guess?

Smokes: Wow! She’s kinda cute! Oh we have to deliver her message and then try to rescue her! I bet I’ll get a kiss! That’s totally fine because it’s not like we will turn out to be secretly related or anything!
JP: Totally. Hey since you’re talking about relations, I should mention that I used to be good friends with your father. I was actually his teacher, he was the famous Jedi Knight Sucric Smokeswanker!
Smokes: What?! You knew my father?! Jedi Knight?! Were you ever going to tell me? I mean we’ve lived on the same planet literally my entire life!
JP: Yeah well, I’ve been busy with being a hermit and hiding from the Empire and all…honestly man I just didn’t know how to bring it up. I mean what was I going to say? “Hey Smokes it’s me, Uncle JP. I knew your dad and he was killed by Darth Circus and now you’re stuck harvesting nuts on some broke ass planet!”
Smokes: I was told my father died from a hazelnut allergy! Wait, so he was killed by Darth Circus, that super evil scary guy? The one that’s trying to take over the galaxy?!
JP: Oh yeah, that’s him. He totally killed your Dad, just believe me on that and don’t question that story. You see I was your father’s teacher in the ways of the Force, a mysterious energy that connects and permeates the universe allowing a mystical understanding and power to those that master it. If we got time later I’ll show you. Oh, that reminds me, I also have your Dad’s old lightsaber. Guess I should have let you have that years ago…

Smokes faints and lands on the floor. He drools slightly.

Grem2D2: I think that’s enough for today JP, he seems to be kind of a lightweight.
JP: Geez sorry kid. Wake up! We gotta get a ship! I know just the place! There’s this bar that all the cool smugglers hang out in, we’re bound to find a pilot with a ship there!

The three head back to pick up LokePO who has finished harvesting all the hazelnuts in record time. They take Smoke’s old space Chevy to the bar JP told them about, “The Wobbly Wookie” Inside there are many tough looking aliens about. They glare at the wide eyed innocent Smokes as he walks into the bar.

Smokes: Wow, I never knew about this place! I bet they make a great root beer float here!
JP: Geez, just stick with me Smokes…how the hell is this goof HIS son…

JP leads them to a back table where a very suave looking man is sitting at a table with a wookie. JP introduces himself and explains that he needs a pilot and a ship.

Hans Dingo: Oi! Well I got a ship all right for ya! Fastest ship you’ll find in this sector! I ain’t gonna do it for free mind ya! Right Trey?
Treybacca: Rawwgghhhh!! Cough cough, oh man that last drink was strong. But yes Hans, we do expect some sort of compensation for our trouble.
Smokes: Is helping save the galaxy enough of a reward?
Hans Dingo: No.
Smokes: Saving a beautiful Princess from an evil Empire?
Treybacca: No.
JP: I have a $10,000 itunes gift card and a fully paid Amazon Prime membership for you.
Treybacca: We’ll do it! RAWRRRG! I like to yell a lot!

Just then an angry looking alien comes over, he confronts Hans and takes out a laser pistol!

Weedo: Hey Hans, you ever gonna pay Shaklee what you owe him? He’s getting angry waiting so long!
Hans: Eh Weedo, I didn’t forget, I just need more time!
Weedo: Shaklee the Hutt waits for no one! You got the money or not?!
Hans: Oi, I got it man, calm down, let me reach into my pocket and give it to you right now…

Hans quickly takes out his own laser blaster and shoots Weedo right in the head! He falls down dead. The other bar patrons glance over, then go back to listening to the jukebox playing the latest Taylor Swift hit.

Smokes: Oh damn, that was intense Hans! You totally shot him first!
Hans: Listen kid, if anyone asks, Weedo shot first, got it?
Smokes: Oh…I gotcha! Hey listen we better get a move on! We got a princess to save!

The group heads into Smoke’s baby blue Chevy and head over to Han’s ship. In the sky, an Empire ship is seen descending and landing nearby. A small group of Venan Stormtroopers head out of the ship and begin searching the surroundings. Two Stormtroopers are manning a checkpoint when Smokes and his passengers encounter them!

Stormtrooper: Hey, stop right there, these are the droids we are looking for!
JP: These are TOTALLY NOT the droids you are looking for!
Stormtrooper: Those are totally not the droids we are looking for!
Hans Dingo: Oi! What the hell did you do to him man?
JP: You totally want to go get us all lunch, like a really pricey lunch, like steaks.
Stormtrooper: I’m totally gonna go get your guys some steaks now.

The Stormtroopers leave to go get our heroes some lunch. Once they leave, the group excitedly question JP about what happened.

Smokes: Golly! I thought we were caught for sure! How did you do that JP?
JP: The force allows me to cloud the perception of weak willed individuals.
Smokes: Cool, but isn’t it a little unethical to use your Jedi powers to make them get us such a pricey lunch?
Hans Dingo: Hey if you don’t want your steak I’ll have it kid!
Smokes: Umm…never mind. Actually…JP when they get here with the steaks maybe you could ask for dessert too, and umm…I could totally use like 20 bucks or soo…
Hans Dingo: I’ll take one of them bloomin onions man!
Treybacca: Roaaarrgh!!! Cash! Show me the money!

After taking advantage of the Venan Stormtroopers, the group arrives at the local space hanger, where Hans Dingo leads them to his ship. It’s pretty beat up and looks as if it’s seen many years of adventures.

Hans Dingo: There she is fellas, the Centennial Kiwi!
Smokes: Oh…I was kinda hoping for a fancier ship, like one of those new Millennium series.
Hans Dingo: Hey kid, I ain’t made of money! She’s got all the best accessories, a real gem she is. Full Dingo Drive! Platypus Power core! Koala Crystal distribution! Panda Plasma piping!
Smokes: Panda?
Hans Dingo: Yeah…I had to get some foreign parts.

Our heroes take off in order to bring the Grem2 unit to the rebel headquarters on Great Britainia. Along the way, JP begins to instruct young Smokes Nutswanker in the ways of the force…


End of part 1

[Illy_the_Red]

Hahahahahah that was so good! 'Centennial Kiwi'

[Famous_Fella_O_Nutella]

Guild Wars

Part 2


Aboard the Centennial Kiwi, JP Won Konobi is introducing the young Smokes Nutswanker to the idea of the “force,” the mysterious power that supposedly permeates all things. The training is going slow, as Smokes loses his focus when he’s hungry. Because of this, the crew decides to stop and eat. Treybacca picks his favorite spot, a local popular diner named “May the Fork be with you.” They order a meal of Bloomin Onions and Nutella Belgian waffles. Meanwhile, aboard the Dev Star, the intensely focused Darth Circus stands on the bridge near a very impressive big red button. This mammoth facility is the size of a small moon. He is talking to one of his generals. Princess Pau is standing there in shackles. She looks defiant!

Darth Circus: Are the preparations complete?
General Fleeble: Yes, my Lord, the power core is at maximum output ,the plasma array has been calibrated, all one million Ewoks wearing sailor suits are running on their generator wheels. We’re broadcasting the stream live on YouTube. The power from the up votes, likes, and shares alone have filled the energy banks, we actually have a surplus. Operating at 110%! We’re ready to fire sir!
Darth Circus: Excellent. I finally get to use this button! Princess, I wish to show you what happens when you defy the Empire.

Darth Circus pauses and takes a deep breath. He giggles slightly, but still very coolly, as he tries to contain his excitement . Finally, he makes his hand into a fist and slams the big red button! The Dev Star grows dark as all its energy is focused on its attack, and then suddenly flashes like a sun, just for an instant. A massive energy blast flies out towards its target…the Planet Britannia! The people of the planet first notice a slight lag, it seems to them as if they are moving through Jello. They see a flash of light, and look up to the sky just in time for the blast to hit. Britannia seems to fade slowly, as the lag increases enough to erase the planet completely. It is as if that planet, and all its billions of inhabitants, were never there…

Princess Pau: Nooo…..nooo…nooo! You monster! You…no…

Princess Pau collapses in shock on the floor. She snores ever so slightly, but still very defiantly.

Darth Circus: OMG yes!!! Dude. Man. That was EPIC! Holy Crap on a stick! Did you guys see that?! Did you see that?! Ha…wow…whew…oh man I’m outta breath! Well, I’m gonna go hit the gym man, I’m gonna get a hell of workout today!

Darth Circus excitedly sprints out of the bridge to go to the gym. He returns quickly, and runs over to the big red button, and takes it. He holds it close to his chest, and backs out of the room slowly, staring at all the other people on the bridge, as if he’s scared they going to try to take it from him. After he leaves, the other bridge officers stare at each other awkwardly. Finally, one of them points to the motionless princess…

Stormtrooper: Are we…supposed to put her back in her cell…


Back at the Diner, the crew is just finishing up lunch when all of a sudden JP feels something…

Smokes: Wow! I feel so much better now. I can’t believe they even sliced bananas for me to put on the waffles! The galaxy is amazing! There’s nothing like this on the nut farm on Hazeline!
Hans Dingo: Damn kid, doesn’t take much to impress ya! All those years staring at nuts…JP Konobi, how the bloody heck are ya gonna train this dongo?
Treybacca: Hans, he was impressed by spoons before. I mean, SPOONS. He was amazed at how smooth they were, and how easily they scoop up stuff. He was spooning Nutella right out of the jar! What the heck had he been using all this time?

JP suddenly pauses, and turns white. He clutches at his chest and seems very upset!

Smokes: JP?! Are you ok, what is it?!
JP: Smokes…I feel…a great…burning…in my stomach! Mixing that fried onion with the waffles, syrup, and Nutella really did a number on me. I need to go visit the little Jedi master’s room.
Treybacca: RWAAAAR! I would like to use the facilities as well.

JP heads off to the diner lavatory. Smokes and Hans Dingo get to talk for a bit. They find they have many things in common, such as they both enjoy falling asleep while eating. Treybacca returns quickly and agrees that falling asleep while eating is awesome. After a little longer than should have been necessary, JP comes back to the table, and asks the waitress for the check.

JP: Ok guys, we got to roll! This is gonna sound kind of weird, but I was just able to sense the deaths of billions of people. We have to get to the rebel HQ!
Smokes: Wait…you just sensed that? You mean while you were in…
Hans Dingo: Are you tellin us you got some mumbo jumbo head wonky while you was on the can?
JP: Look! The important thing here is that I, the Jedi MASTER just used the FORCE to sense something big, ok? So let’s focus on that!

JP walks back to the parking lot a little faster than the rest. He stops suddenly and grabs Smokes.

JP: Smokes listen, I ain’t gonna lie to you. Being a Jedi Master is awesome and all but it kind of sucks sometimes too. I mean we get some cool powers, well the dark side gets this really cool electric one like little lightning bolts…
Smokes: Lighting bolts?! That sounds awesome. Dark…side? Was that it?
JP: Oh Geez…ah forget that Smokes so anyway we have some cool force powers, remember that mind trick one? Yeah we got some cool stuff but sometimes it will be rough. Just remember to keep your blood sugar up, you really lose your focus when you don’t eat! Like seriously man, always try to have a bar or apple on you! Me, I carry nuts with me. Cashews, almonds. They travel well. Look, I keep some here in my robe. Always have lots of pockets in your robes, that’s very helpful.

JP rambles on as The Centennial Kiwi gets under way. Thanks to Hans Dingo’s excellent and unconventional piloting, the group reaches the solar system of Planet Britannia…

Hans Dingo: Hey! Where’d this planet go?!
Treybacca: We came out of hyperspace right where we should be…where…
JP: This was what I sensed! The Empire! They…
LokePO: Master Smokes! There is a massive energy reading on sensors!
Hans Dingo: Oi! There must be something behind that moon!
Grem2D2: That’s no moon matey! That’s what destroyed the planet!

Suddenly the communications array lights up and the crew hears a voice!

Speaker: Unidentified ship, tractor beam is engaged, be prepared to be taken and boarded!

The Centennial Kiwi shakes as the tractor beam grips it. The ship is being pulled INSIDE the Dev Star! While Smokes stands there useless, Hans Dingo and Treybacca herd them all under the deck plating to hide. Soon they hear the sound of many footsteps above them. The Centenial Kiwi is crawling with Venan Stormtroopers!

[Mr_Op]

*Claps*

[Famous_Fella_O_Nutella]

Guild Wars

Part 3

Hidden under the deck plating of the Centennial Kiwi, the group can hear the heavy boots of the Venan Stormtroopers as they examine the ship. After several minutes of fruitless searching, most of the soldiers leave. The terrified crew of the ship listen to the conversation between two of the soldiers that are left…

Stormtrooper 1: Well…it’s empty. I guess they ejected or something. Man, Darth Circus is gonna be pissed! He’s so mad that the rebels got those plans. He force choked like five people! At least we captured Princess Pau. It’s only a matter of time before we crush these rebels.
Stormtrooper2: Yup, she is totally captured in her cell. The one on subsection ten, down the platinum security corridor.
Stormtrooper1: That’s not too far from here, you only have to take the elevator up five floors and make your first right.
Stormtrooper2: Yeah, and if you make your first left, that’s where the tractor beam power core is, the one that if disabled would shut down the tractor beam for hours until it could be rebooted.
Stormtroopers: Man would Darth Circus be mad if that ever happened!
Stormtrooper2: He sure would be! I bet he would force choke like ten people! So…are you going to Kevin’s thing tonight? I’m thinking about it.
Stormtrooper1: I dunno man, Kevin is nice and all but ever since he went vegan…
Both Stormtroopers: It’s all he talks about!
Stormtrooper1: Ha! Exactly! Well I’ve been thinking about trying it. It might help my condition.
Stormtrooper2: What condition is that?
Stormtrooper1: I have a very sensitive spot on the back of my head, the slightest hit there will render me unconscious immediately. I wake up after several hours with no memory of what happened.
Stormtrooper2: Oh man, I have that exact same issue! If hypothetically, someone snuck up behind me and hit me on the back of the head I would hit the floor like a rock. I would be completely out for hours, enough time for them to, I dunno, take off my uniform, disguise themselves, and impersonate me for example. They wouldn’t have to have any fear that I would wake up and stop them or alert anyone.
Stormtrooper1: That is crazy! It’s really a small galaxy after all! What are the odds of the two of us with the same condition together here in this empty ship?
Stormtrooper2: Gotta be like a hundred million to one! Hey, want to stare quietly out the window for a while? Like, really direct all our attention there and kind of zone out mentally for a bit?
Stormtrooper1: Sounds good! I could really use some “me” time!

The two troopers stand quietly, staring out the front windows of the Centennial Kiwi, contemplating if they should attend Kevin’s party or not. Hans Dingo whispers quietly to the others.

Hans Dingo: Oi! Looks like we caught a break! You heard what he said, Smokes you want to do the honors kid?
Smokes: I’d be honored to!

Smokes quietly lifts the deck plate and very slowly climbs out. He places it back down so it doesn’t make a sound. He creeps over to the Stormtroopers and slowly reaches into his pocket and takes out a bag of roasted hazelnuts. He then taps one of the soldiers on the shoulder and offers them some of the tasty snack.

Stormtrooper1: What the hell…it’s the crew! Get them!

Hans Dingo and Treybacca race out from below the deck. A quick scuffle breaks out before Treybacca knocks out both the Stormtroopers with his massive strength. The crew stands over the unconscious bodies of the fallen Venan troops.

Hans Dingo: What the bloody heck kid?! Didn’t ya hear what they were saying?
Smokes: Yes, they were thinking about becoming vegetarian, that’s why I was offering them some hazelnuts, I thought they would be grateful and let us free. Isn’t that what you were hinting at?
JP: Geez…I said it before but, how the heck are you his son…
Treybacca: Raarrrrr! We really should have demanded payment up front.
LokePO: If anyone is interested, the odds of two Venan Stormtroopers with that particular condition being in the same place at the same time are one hundred million, one hundred and twenty thousand to one.
Smokes: Wow! That Stormtrooper was close! He said a hundred million to one!
Hans Dingo: Ah geez, I’ll yell at you later! Let’s get these uniforms on! I got a plan! If we rescue that princess I bet the rebels will pay handsomely!
JP: I’ll take down the tractor beam so you can escape. I sense a familiar presence aboard, Darth Circus is here…and he is really fit. He must work out like all the time!
Smokes: The one who killed my father?! Let me at him! I’ll make him choke on my hazelnuts!
JP: No young Smokes, you are no match for him, only a Jedi Master can deal with a Sith Lord. Let me handle him, you go help rescue the princess.
Smokes: Oh that’s right, a cute princess! Maybe I’ll get a kiss!
JP: Umm…yeah…about that…
Smokes: Yes JP?
JP: Ah never mind, what the hell, go for it!

Smokes and Hans wear the soldiers’ uniforms as a disguise, and lead Treybacca around the Dev Star to the cell block corridor where Princess Pau is being kept. They pretend that Treybacca is their prisoner and that they are bringing him to a cell. They part ways with JP Wan Konobi as he heads to the tractor beam power core. Hans Dingo and Smokes make it to the cell where the princess is being held. Smokes opens the door, the princess is sitting quietly in the corner, she appears to be asleep…

Smokes: Hey Princess, listen we’re here to…

With a quick motion, Princess Pau grabs Smokes and flips him over her shoulder! She rips off his helmet and starts to beat him with it! She grabs his weapon and points it at him! Smokes is now sobbing!

Princess Pau: All right Venan scum, this is the deal, you’re gonna lead me outta here or I’ll blow your head off!
Smokes: Oh God don’t hurt me, I’m just a hazelnut farmer! I’ll do anything, and I mean ANYTHING! We came to rescue you, honest!
Hans Dingo: Oi Smokes! Ya nut! Princess he’s with me, we’re not with the Empire! We came to save ya! I’m betting there’ll be quite a reward!
Princess Pau: Wonderful, a scruffy mercenary and a clueless nut farmer! I think my odds of survival just went down!
Hans Dingo: Ha! You’ve got some spunk princess, just like I do! Don’t go falling in love with me now!
Princess Pau: Yeah, I don’t think that will be an issue. I’m a princess, I don’t think I’ll fall for a dirty rouge who plays by his own rules and his hairy wookie sidekick!
Treybacca: Rarrggh!!! Ok, the hairy and wookie part are accurate, but sidekick? We are partners and best friends. Honestly, my feelings are a little hurt princess.
Princess Pau: I’m sorry, I’m a little emotional right now, you know with being captured and my home planet being destroyed. Cuz that’s where my old high school was. Oh, and my family.
Treybacca: Let’s agree that we are both upset right now and recognize that how we act at this moment is not an accurate representation of our personalities.
Princess Pau: Agreed! That’s a mature and wise outlook to have.

Princess Pau and Treybacca hug, each now having a newfound respect for the other.

Hans Dingo: The bloody hell! Can you believe this Smokes? Smokes?!

Smokes is still on the floor, drooling slightly. He slowly reaches into his pocket and takes out a few hazelnuts and eats them. His blood sugar raises a bit and shakes himself off and stands up.

Smokes: Golly gee Princess, you sure are strong! I thought you would need to be rescued but I see now I am the one that needs to be rescued. Rescued from my outdated stereotypes about women being helpless. I’m sorry and I hope to make it up to you with a more enlightened attitude towards not just you, but all females everywhere in the galaxy.
Princess Pau: You know Smokes, you are young but I can see you have the capacity to admit when you are wrong, and that shows wisdom and strength of character. Also, you are very slightly handsome!

Princess Pau and Smokes Nutwanker hug, each now having a newfound respect for the other.

Hans Dingo: The bloody hell…
LokePO: My goodness! The respect level has gone up by over 10% towards the Princess, Treybacca, and Smokes. Not towards you, however.
Hans Dingo: Geez, last time I try to rescue a bloody princess…All right let’s get out of here! Hopefully JP has deactivated that tractor beam. To the Kiwi mates!

The group race back to the Centennial Kiwi. They have all sorts of close calls and hilarious misunderstandings along the way as they evade and deal with the many Venan Stormtroopers. It would take too long to full recount their adventures here which is a shame because they were very entertaining. Meanwhile, JP Wan Konobi has made it to the tractor beam controls and deactivated them. An alarm goes off which attracts the attention of…

Darth Circus: You! What is that alarm going off?
Venan Stormtrooper: Oh, nothing big. Looks like the tractor beam was just disabled.
Darth Circus: The tractor beam was disabled…that’s pretty big!
Venan Stormtrooper: I know…I was just hoping if I played it off like it was nothing you wouldn’t force choke…Gargggg

The Venan Stormtrooper makes strange sounds as he is thoroughly force choked.

Darth Circus: Well, I wanted to get some more leg reps in before lunch, guess I’ll sprint over to the tractor beam controls.

Hans Dingo and his crew are quickly moving down a corridor. They turn the corner and down the passageway they see the tractor beam control entranceway just as JP Wan Konobi is exiting. Smokes is about to call out to him when Darth Circus appears! JP uses the force and sends a message to Smokes!

JP: Smokes…get to the ship, I will hold him off. Please, you must get the princess to safety. The fate of the galaxy rests with you! Also, remember to snack now and then, it really helps you focus! Always have some hazelnuts with you. Or protein bars are good too, just try not to get one with too much added sugars!
Darth Circus: Yes, watch your sugar! It may give you energy at first but you will crash later!
JP: Do you mind? I’m talking to someone here!
Darth Circus: Sorry, I just wish someone had told me about the sugar thing earlier.

JP stops using the force communication and turns to face Darth Circus.

Darth Circus: Well well well, JP Wan, my old teacher…we meet again.
JP: Hello, my old student. I have to say you are really fit. I mean I’m disappointed you turned to the dark side and have killed billions of people and unleashed suffering the likes of which the galaxy has never seen before but Damn, credit where credit is due. You are in great shape!
Darth Circus: Thanks, the key is focus and motivation. Find something that works and stick with it. Now…prepare to die!

The former mentor and student start to dual with their lightsabers. Whooom whooom! Hans Dingo and the others sprint back to their ship as the battle continues. The Venan Stormtroopers all race to watch and cheer on their leader. Within seconds, the battle is being streamed on several large view screens all over the Dev Star!

Darth Circus: Not bad for an old fool, I see you have kept up your training!
JP: Well, some of those Russian brides would try to steal my wallet, I had to stay active!
Darth Circus: It won’t help you now, the dark side is stronger.
JP: Please, strike me down and I will be more powerful than you can possible imagine.
Darth Circus: Wait, really? Like how powerful? Like will you get some cool new powers or something?
JP: Yes, I will merge with the force itself!
Darth Circus: Damn…so would you be like super powerful and invincible? Like practically speaking how would this newfound power manifest itself?
JP: Well, I would be able to appear as a force ghost to people.
Darth Circus: And…you could like kill them or whatever?
JP: I could offer them advice and tell them things. Like maybe things I should have told them earlier, like who they are related to for example.
Darth Circus: But…no new killing powers?
JP: Oh heavens no, a Jedi master would never use the force like that!
Darth Circus: Excellent! Thanks for the info!

Darth Circus does a quick slash attack with his lightsaber and chops off JP Wan’s arm! Blood gushes out everywhere. Smokes, the Princess and the others watching on the view screens can only watch in horror!

JP: OWWW! Oh sweet baby Jesus that hurts! Oh my stars this is the most pain I’ve ever had!
Darth Circus: Wait…what about that becoming one with the force thing?
JP: Hold on I wasn’t ready…ow…oh man…ok try to hit me again, I’ll get it this time!

Darth Circus attacks again, this time chopping off JP’s foot! More blood spurts everywhere. JP hops around on his other foot.

JP: What the hell man, who cuts off someone’s foot! I thought you were gonna go for my other arm!
Darth Circus: Oh, I’m sorry man. I didn’t know what you wanted me to do. Look, I’m gonna go right for your chest now, that cool?
JP: Yes, aim right for my chest, right there, where I’m pointing.
Darth Circus: Ok, you ready?
JP: God yes, go already, I’m passing out here!
Darth Circus: Ok, here I go!

Darth Circus attacks with his lightsaber. JP closes his eyes and finally merges with the force. He disappears! His robe and lightsaber fall to the floor. But just his robe and weapon, not his underwear or socks or sandals. Or his wallet. So just to be clear, JP disappears as he merges with the force, leaving only his robe and lightsaber behind, for some reason. Darth Circus steps over JP’s robe and raises his hands in the air!

Darth Circus: Who’s the man?! Oh yeah! Schools out, baby!
Venan Stormtrooper: School’s out?
Darth Circus: Yeah, schools out, cuz he was my teacher? And I just killed him?
Venan Stormtrooper: Oh school’s out, oh…I get it, I guess. Oh no, wait, please don’t force choke me it was a good joke, I just Gargggg!

Darth Circus steps over the body of the Stormtrooper. He seems to enjoy stepping over bodies, he feels it makes him look extra cool, and he’s totally right. He turns towards the Centennial Kiwi and begins to walk towards it! Smokes is in shock after seeing the death of JP, and Hans and Treybacca have to grab him and shove him into the ship. Hans fires up the engines and the ship raises. Princess Pau sees Darth Circus through the window and she sticks her tongue out at him just as the ship flies off. Our heroes have escaped!



End of Part 3