AXIOM!

[mouse83]

Well done excellent vocabulary, awesome, give you 3 squeakkks

[Famous_Fella_O_Nutella]

Guild Wars


Part 4


Princess Pau has been rescued from the Dev Star by the slightly handsome Smokes Nutwanker and the slightly more handsome smuggler Hans Dingo. She has taken them to the rebels’ new secret base on Miso Hornay after the destruction of her home planet. Grem2D2’s memory files have been copied, and the secret plans he carried have been analyzed by the rebel forces. They contain detailed plans of the Dev Star, and rebel technicians have been feverishly studying them in the hopes of finding something useful. Princess Pau calls a meeting of the rebels to reveal what has been discovered, and the next steps for their cause.

Princess Pau: Thank you all for coming. Well, I have good news and bad news people.
Hans Dingo: Hey, what’s the good news? I’m gonna get paid finally?
Princess Pau: Sigh…

Princess Pau reaches down to the floor where she has her very stylish Vera Wookie Purse. She takes out a couple thousand space bucks and throws them at Hans, who scrambles to pick it all up.

Princess Pau: Anyway, the good news is that we found a weakness in the Dev Star. There’s a small access port on the back of it that has a sign that says “Dev Access Only.” However, we can totally ignore that sign, if anyone asks, we didn’t see it! The access port leads to a shaft that goes directly down to the power core. A couple of plasma missiles down there and BAM, the whole thing will blow!
Smokes: Golly! But that port is only a few meters wide, that would take some skill to hit it from one of our fighters!
Princess Pau: Yeah but it’s the best chance we have.
Hans Dingo: Oi, ok then, so what’s the bad news?
Princess Pau: *mumbles*…Dev Star…way…attack…
Smokes: What was that Princess?
Princess Pau: The Dev Star is on its way here and about to attack us. We have like twenty space minutes before they come within targeting range...

Smokes passes out and hits the floor. LokePO and Grem2D2 alternate between shaking him and rolling over Smokes to wake him up. He finally stops drooling and stands up.

Smokes: Oh Heavens! Well, I was bored as a simple hazelnut farmer and dreamed of a life of adventure, I guess I got it! I suppose I’ll get in one of those space fighter jets and join the rebels in our hopeless cause. You ready Hans?
Hans Dingo: Yeah, listen kid, I got my money so Treybacca and I are gonna head out.
Smokes: What? But, we had such an adventure together so far! I thought we had achieved a kind of grudging respect and admiration for each other!
Hans Dingo: Nah, I just wanted my cash Smokey boy, you be good now.
Treybacca: Roarrrrrr! I enjoyed our time together Smokes, I hope you don’t get slaughtered and you avenge you father and all.
Princess Pau: Figures! I thought you were just a dirty smuggler out for money! You don’t care about anyone else, you just want a life of doing what you want, when you want!
Hans Dingo: That’s a fair and accurate statement of my outlook on life and my motivations. Later rebels!

Hans Dingo and Treybacca board the Centennial Kiwi and get the heck out of there. Smokes is standing around the launching bay with some of the other rebel soldiers as Grem2D2 is being loaded onto the back of Smokes’ ship. He feels a little lightheaded and is about to have a nice snack. Suddently, alarms blare on the rebel base, the Dev Star is approaching! Smokes looks determined and very slightly handsome as he gets into his Starfighter without eating, and the rebel pilots launch! As they get into orbit, they see the dozens of other rebel ships. Sensors detect the approaching Venan Empire fleet, behind them, the massive Dev Star!

Red Squadron Leader: Ok we got Venan fighters coming in hot, Rebel 2, break off and use pattern Alpha, Rebel 3 pattern Omega. Rebel 4, put your headlights on really bright! And spray your windshield wipers! Smokes wake up!
Smokes: Understood! Grem2! Keep an eye on my reactor! I’m gonna be pushing the core to the max!
Grem2D2: Shouldn’t I at least get a helmet or something? I’m literally riding on the back of your ship!

The rebels fight bravely against the Venan Empire’s star fighters, but the battle is not going well. The rebel ships are starting to be shot down, and Smokes can’t find an opening to get close to the Dev Star. He is starting to feel faint from his low blood sugar. Things are looking bad for the rebels when suddenly he sees the Centennial Kiwi racing by, weapons blazing!

Hans Dingo: Hey! Hans Dingo is back baby, and he’s pissed!
Smokes: Hans! I knew you would come back and help! Beneath that cool exterior you are truly a nice person and you care about what happens not just to me, but to the rebels, and the Princess!
Treybacca: We counted the money, it’s a couple thousand short!
Hans Dingo: Yeah! You rebels are cheapskates! If you guys get wiped out we’ll never get paid. I owe a lot of money to Shaklee the Hutt, if I don’t pay him I don’t even want to think about what he’ll do to me!
Treybacca: Probably have you frozen in some sort of substance and displayed like a trophy!
Hans Dingo: I said I don’t want to think about it!

With the Centennial Kiwi providing cover fire, Smokes and some of the other rebel pilots are able to get in closer to the Dev Star. Smokes starts his bombing run down one of the massive valleys running through this enormous moon sized weapon. As he approaches the access port, he hears a voice in his head…

JP: Smokes…it’s me…JP Wan! Listen Smokes I want you to…

Smokes: Use the force? You got it JP!

JP: God no! You are totally not ready yet Smokes, use your targeting computer! It’s super advanced, all you have to do is pick a target and hit the button! It’s completely automatic, really an amazing piece of technology. You can literally win this battle by hitting one button!

Smokes, weak and lightheaded from low blood sugar, doesn’t seem to understand what JP is saying. He turns off his targeting computer as his head is filled with images of a giant parade in his honor. He is celebrated for saving the rebels as everyone cheers for him. He is imagining the Princess tell him how handsome he is when he pushes the button to fire the plasma missiles!

Smokes: For the rebels! Take this Darth Circus! Finally I have my revenge! This is for you, Dad!

The missiles race towards the tiny access port like lightning. The entire rebel army watches and holds their breath. All their hopes lie with young Smokes! The missiles approach the port…and fall short! They hit the side and bounce off wildly! The missiles go careening off into space, and crash directly into the Centennial Kiwi! Hans Dingo and Treybacca scream in pain as their ship catches fire! Hans’ ship explodes into a fireball and impales several more rebel ships! The screams of agony of hundreds of rebel soldiers fill the radio as Smokes watches ship after ship crash and explode, like a horrible game of dominoes. Within seconds, the entire rebel fleet has been destroyed., hundreds are dead. Smokes flies on silently, very dizzy and in a state of shock. His communicator channel lights up.

Darth Circus: Wow…well that was unexpected. Even with my mastery of the force I had no idea something like that was possible, I don’t think even I could pull that off. Thanks, I guess. That was really cold, killing all your friends and all. Even for me, that’s cold, like ice cold, like Arctic cold. Like colder then the coldest depths of space, where all your friends’ bodies are floating in. I can’t overemphasize how utterly and completely evil that was. I’m impressed, and a little jealous. We could use someone like you here in the Empire!
Smokes: I..didn’t mean to…It was an accident!
Darth Circus: Accident? You want me to believe that was an accident? You HAVE to have some sort of familiarity with the force at least, the chances of that being an accident are just infinitesimal.
Smokes: No really, I’ve never even flown a space fighter before, I’m just a simple hazelnut famer who…
Darth Circus: HAZELNUT FARMER??!! HAZLENUT FARMER!!!! Fire up the Dev Star! NOW!!!!

Darth Circus is enraged like never before at the mention of hazelnuts. Smokes can feel the pure blind rage emanating from Darth Circus. The Dev Star is charging up and aiming right at Smokes’ ship! It fires, and Smokes can feel the lag starting, in seconds he will be obliterated! Suddenly, he hears a strange noise! The last thing Smokes sees before he passes out is a small blue box appearing in front of his ship…



Smokes wakes up in what appears to be a large control room, in a very comfy reclining chair. He looks over and sees a man at the controls of whatever craft they are in. The man is wearing a scarf and appears to be very absorbed in his controls. He stands up and walks over to him.

Mysterious Man: Ah! Young Smokes, you are awake! You were really out cold, I was actually slapping you for a bit there. Hard. First it was just to wake you up, then the sounds of my hands slapping you became kind of hypnotic. Man, I wish I could sleep like that. Ah youth!
Smokes: Um…hello? Where am I? Oh, and who are you? Last thing I remember…oh geez! Everyone is dead! I killed them all! Hans…Pau…Trey…
Mysterious Man: Yeah, you really wanked up the time stream good! That’s why I’m here!
Smokes: Time stream? Huh? What are you talking about? Who ARE you?!
Mysterious Man: Well, I call myself “The Doctor.” I’m kind of a…moderator of the time line. I make sure the universe and time itself follow a certain order. My true name is something only I and the Universe know, many people have searched their entire lives to find it. I cannot tell you what it is for that knowledge is only for…
Smokes: Raabla? Your name is Raabla? What kind of name is that?
Raabla: WHAT THE FLUX KID?! How in the name of Gallifrey did you answer the riddle that has plagued the best minds not just in this universe, but in all possible universes?!
Smokes: Um…right here on this wall, there’s a little certificate. “This is to certify that RAABLA JENKINS defeated the Galaxy Burger Challenge at May the Forks Be With You” There’s a little picture of you at the table smiling next to the empty plate. See? You’re eyes looked kind of glazed over. Golly! You ate the Galaxy Burger?! That things like six pounds of prime chuck beef! Not to mention all the toppings! Did you have to eat the Force Fries too? Did you get them with the nacho cheese drizzled over? I had the Junior Jedi meal but I could barely finish my grilled cheese with padawan puffs!

Smokes looks at The Doctor with a newfound respect.

Raabla: Son of a…sigh…all right listen just keep your mouth shut kid…Geez…nine hundred years old and a frigging hazelnut farmer gets my name…
Smokes: So…should I call you Raabla or
The Doctor: The Doctor, call me The Doctor!
Smokes: Oh, can you take a look at my blood sugar, I feel really faint and…
The Doctor: I’m not that kind of doctor!
Smokes: Oh you mean like a PhD type of doctor then? Or like a Dentist or something?
The Doctor: No, I’m not any of those kinds of Doctor!
Smokes: Well, it seems kind of dishonest to call yourself a doctor then, doesn’t it? I mean that’s going to confuse a lot of people! You don’t even give yourself a last name there either, I mean you say you’re “The Doctor” but, Doctor Who??!

“The Doctor” sighs and puts his head in his hands. He raises it and walks over to a central control panel. He starts to bang his head against it, first softly, then hard enough for Smokes to get concerned. Finally, he stops.

The Doctor: Ok…I’m ok now. I just…geez…ok listen, here’s the situation. As I said, I’m in charge of keeping this universe and its time moving smoothly. You really wanked up the time stream royally. Somehow, you caused some sort of paradox and…
Smokes: There’s another of you?!
The Doctor: What? No, I’m the last of my kind, why did you think…
Smokes: You just said so, that I caused a pair of docs…

The Doctor starts banging his head again on the control panel. He stops and Smokes thinks he can hear sobbing.

The Doctor: Sit down in the chair. Please.

Smokes sits down in the chair quickly. The Doctor sounds like he’s about to have a nervous breakdown.

The Doctor: Ok, this is what we’re going to do. I’m going to use my TARDIS here to take you back in time to before you wanked everything up. We’re going to fix what went wrong and correct the time stream. Otherwise this universe will rip itself apart.
Smokes: TARDIS? What is that? Some sort of…Time and…relative Dimensions in Space, box?
The Doctor: Time and relative…wow…wow! That’s a LOT better then what I thought it stood for!!
Smokes: Oh, what did you think it stood for?
The Doctor: Totally Awesome Radically Designed Intergalactic Ship!
Smokes: Oh, that’s not bad. It kind of sounds like what a kid would call it but it’s not bad! I mean you would think you would put the word “Time” in there. That’s kind of a huge deal.
The Doctor: Listen, names are not my thing ok! Now buckle up, I’m focusing the time matrix! Next stop, about ten minutes ago!

Smokes sits in the very comfy reclining chair and the TARDIS begins to make a very distinctive sound. Smokes recognizes it as the sound he heard in his space fighter just before he passed out. Next stop...about ten minutes ago!


End of Part 4

[Famous_Fella_O_Nutella]

Guild Wars



Part 5


Smokes is sitting in the very comfy recliner as the TARDIS begins to focus its time matrix. In the middle of the TARDIS, strange lights move around as if they are alive. Smokes stares into them and feels hypnotized as the swirling time matrix begins to bend the fabric of the universe. His blood sugar is still low, and his stomach is starting to growl. Absent mindedly, he reaches into his pocket and takes out a few hazelnuts. One is a bit stale, and so he throws it behind him. It bounces off some strange instruments and back over him before plunging directly into the time matrix! The TARDIS starts to make a different sound, and shakes, ever so slightly…

The Doctor: Hmm, I’ve never heard it sound like that before…looks like there’s a small instability in the…oh sweet Gallifrey! How did the flux capacitor get…oh God! Smokes hold on!

The TARDIS suddenly shakes violently, throwing Smokes out of his comfy recliner. It shakes again, then a third time. Out of the corner of his eye, he sees the stale hazelnut fly out of the time matrix, and the shaking stops. Smokes tries his best to look innocent as the Doctor frantically checks the controls.

The Doctor: Oh thank God, we’re back in phase. Oh man that was close!
Smokes: What the heck happened there Doctor? I mean, I would have no idea since it had nothing to do with me!
The Doctor: Well, we did go back ten minutes, but somehow our spatial drive got wanked up. We are several galaxies away from where we were supposed to be. Geez…we need to give the TARDIS some time to recalibrate. Well, since we’re here anyway, you might as well have a look around. I’m familiar with this area of the universe, there are some quite interesting people that live here. What do you say Smokes, fancy a peek at life in another galaxy?
Smokes: Really? Wow that sounds awesome! Yeah let me out of here!

The Doctor opens up the door and walks out, with Smokes close behind. For the first time, Smokes can see the TARDIS from the outside. It looks like some sort of strange blue box, but what’s really perplexing is that from the outside, it appears to be quite small.

Smokes: How did…how can we fit in there, I mean it’s huge inside but outside…but…how…
The Doctor: *chuckles* I always love this part. It’s bigger on the inside Smokes. Think of it as a metaphor for people. All of us are bigger on the inside as well. Each of us is our own universe!
Smokes: Wow that’s pretty deep, it really makes me reconsider my…wow! Look at that castle!

Smokes is pointing ahead at an incredibly impressive castle close by. It seems to be very old and yet is in pristine condition, as if some force is protecting it. What appears to be several owls are flying around some of the higher towers, and Smokes starts walking closer to get a better look. The Doctor waves for the young Jedi to go on as he fiddles around with the TARDIS. Smokes sees a very intricate iron sign that informs him this is “Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.” A young man with black glasses is sitting under a tree reading a rather large book. He is holding what appears to be a stick in his hand. He says something and moves the stick, and he floats up in the air, then falls down again!

Smokes: Wow! Hey are you training to be a Jedi too? Hey you!
Harry Potter: Excuse me? A what? I’m training to be a wizard of course…that’s what this school is for.
Smokes: A wizard? What the hazelnuts is that?
Harry Potter: What’s a wizard? Are you serious? It’s someone who manipulates the mysterious energies of the universe under a code of rules and training. Are you some sort of wanker or something?
Smokes: Yes! Yes I am! Smokes Nutwanker, pleased to meet you! So you are a Jedi! Wow this is great! I’m learning to be a Jedi too!
Harry Potter: I’m Harry Potter, and again, I’m a wizard. Listen, you seem...interesting and all but I don’t really have time to chat. I have a big battle I’m preparing for it you see. It’s really important. All my friends and everyone I care about could die. Quite horribly in fact.
Smokes: Oh my sweet baby Ewok! Me too! Against a really evil dark lord! He’s really evil and ruthless! And everyone I care about could die! Quite horribly in fact. Well it happened already but I’m getting a do over.
Harry Potter: Huh…wow, what are the odds. I’m trying really hard to learn to control my powers but it’s not easy. I’m kind of depressed right now because my older male teacher just died. Right in front of me.
Smokes: Holy Centennial Kiwi! My older male teacher just died! Right in front of me! It was crazy! I’m still kind of freaking out about it!
Harry Potter: NO. WAY. Oh my goodness! Smokes Nutwanker did you say your name was?
Smokes: Yes, it was the name of my father. I never knew him, he died shortly after I was born. He was killed by the Dark Lord guy. Oh, my mother’s dead too. I’m an orphan.
Harry Potter: GET OUT! Are you serious! Sweet butter beer, we have insanely similar backstories! You know Smokes, I feel this has to be fate that we meet. Maybe…maybe we are supposed to help each other!
Smokes: You think so? Wow, that would be great. Why, with the two of us teaming up, I bet we can accomplish all sorts of things!
Harry Potter: I feel it too Smokes! How about this, I will come help you defeat your Dark Lord and save your home, and you help me do the same!
Smokes: Yes! I agree! You know Harry, I feel this is the start of an epic adventure, one that people will be talking about for hundreds of years to come and in galaxies far away.
Harry Potter: Far, far away even, I bet! Like I bet years from now people will tell this story and they will say “Long ago, in a galaxy far, far away…”
Smokes: Totally! Well, new best friend, why don’t you come back with me to my other new friend’s ship and we will start our greatest adventure ever! He’s really cool, he’s called “The Doctor” and you’re gonna love him! I have a feeling we are going to become like brothers! I never had a brother you know. Or a sister. I am absolutely certain I do not have a sister.
Harry Potter: Me either Smokes. Yes, let’s start the first part of what’s sure to be an absolutely brilliant series of adventures together! Adventures we will remember years from now, and tell our grandchildren. Hey, maybe I’ll even be naming my son “Smokes!”

Smokes and Harry Potter walk off together through a peaceful meadow back to the TARDIS, full of hope and excitement. All possibilities seem open to them, and the Universe, for now, doesn’t seem quite so scary, and Smokes doesn’t feel quite so alone. For the first time, Smokes thinks that maybe, just maybe, things are going to turn out for the best.

Harry: Hey Smokes, is that your wand? I’ve never seen one like that before! Can I see it?

Smokes looks at what Harry is pointing at and smiles. Harry has mistaken his lightsaber for a wand! He laughs and hands it over to Harry.

Smokes: Oh sure, it was my father’s actually. But it’s not a wand, it’s called a lightsaber and it’s…

Harry gently takes the lightsaber and looks at it in wonder, turning it over and over in his hands. He marvels at the materials it’s made of and wonders how it was constructed. His fingers find and press a switch and the lightsaber blazes to life! The brilliant blue plasma beam extends quickly, right into the young wizard’s head! The strong smell of burnt hair and flesh rises in the air as the body of Harry Potter falls softly to the grass below. Smokes stands there in shock as a gentle breeze blows over the peaceful meadow. The gentle “Hoo” of owls is the only sound to be heard. After several seconds of standing there frozen, Smokes panics and starts to run. He makes it back to the TARDIS as The Doctor is checking the controls.

The Doctor: Ah, young Smokes! So, what do you think of this planet? Pretty beautiful right? There’s a lot to learn here.
Smokes: Yes. There’s a lot to burn. Learn! There’s a lot to learn! Because it’s beautiful! It’s beautiful! I like beautiful things. I like lots of things. Beautiful things are nice. It’s nice. It’s all nice! All of it! It’s good to learn beautiful things. Beautiful things to learn make life worth living right? For those of us that live, that is. Some of us die. I mean, we live, and then we die. I mean. Yes. It’s great. Great planet. Beautiful. Gee, I sure would like to get home.

Smokes stands there panting, looking very pale.

The Doctor: Smokes, are you all right? Did you see something? You’re a little pale, you look like you saw a ghost!
Smokes: No, I don’t think he knew how to become a force ghost. I mean…I’m fine, it was just an owl. A beautiful owl. A beautiful owl that was alive. Very much alive. Hey, let’s go now!
The Doctor: I’m sure you are eager to get back to your galaxy, you have a big space battle to win! I know things got a little hairy last time but…
Smokes: Harry! It got Harry! Oh God…he…yes, it got hairy…hairy it got. Yes.

Smokes stands there panting. The Doctor looks at Smokes strangely and shrugs.

The Doctor: Smokes, you don’t look so good, why don’t you have something to eat. Let me make you one of my favorites, a bloomin onion!
Smokes: Oh…I know a guy that loves those! He flies a space ship too, but with a wookie.
The Doctor: Well, I bet even he hasn’t had one as good as this one! It’s made from sweet Vidalia Onions, they are the best ones in the universe! The Vidalia onion is prized for its taste, try it!

Smokes bites into the sweet bloomin onion and it is delicious indeed, he starts to feel a little better. The Doctor looks at him and Smokes gives him a thumbs up. The Doctor smiles and walks over to the central control console. He starts up the time matrix and the TARDIS begins to shimmer slowly, and then disappears! A couple owls fly down from the towers and land on the ground nearby, and begin pecking at something. One of them picks up what appears to be a pair of black glasses…


The Doctor is busy working the controls, steering his ship on currents of time. He looks at several displays and starts to slow the ship down. The glow of the time matrix starts to fade as the TARDIS reaches its destination. The Doctor is looking at his console and frowning. Something seems to be off!

Smokes: What’s wrong Doc?
The Doctor: Sigh. Well last time I got the time right but the location wrong. This time, I got the location correct, we’re on Miso Hornay, but the time is wrong, we are too early. Geez, I don’t understand why the TARDIS is all wanked up today. Give me a few minutes to recalibrate it again. We should be good to go for the next trip. Go have a look around while I’m getting it ready, it might be fun to see the past.
Smokes: The past! How long ago from my time are we?
The Doctor: 21 years…and ten minutes!
Smokes: 21 years? Wow, that how old I am!
The Doctor: Yes yes, have fun Smokes.

The Doctor shoves Smokes out the door as he starts calibrating the time matrix again. This time he really cleans it out. He is surprised to discover what appears to be hazelnut dust in the manifold. He shakes his head and gets some glass cleaner and paper towels and begins wiping it down. Smokes walks out of the TARDIS to discover he is very high. They have landed on a walkway between buildings, several thousand feet above the ground. Enormous buildings made of shiny materials rise all around him. Walkways, roads and tubes connect them all. All sorts of aliens rush by, and many different flying machines whizz around as people go about their day. In his time, Miso Hornay is the home to a secret rebel base but 21 years ago it was a center of commerce, culture, and the Jedi Order. Smokes thinks he sees a familiar face…

Smokes: Wow! What a difference from Hazeline! Hey is that Grem2D2?

A droid that looks very much like Grem2D2 is wheeling by. It stops when it sees Smokes staring at it and wheels right up to him.

Red2D2: You got a problem buddy?
Smokes: No, um sir, you just umm you look like my friend. He’s an R2 unit too!
Red2D2: Wow, and you’re saying he looks just like me? Another identically produced droid looks just like me? What do you think the odds of that are?
Smokes: Well…oh…I see I guess there’re pretty good.
Red2D2: You’re not from around here are you buddy?
Smokes: No sir, I’ve from Hazeline. Oh, and the future!
Red2D2: Oh that explains it. You don’t have many droids on Hazeline. Or culture. Or sophistication. Are all people from the future stupider, or is it just you?
Smokes: Golly…you’re kind of a grump! That doesn’t sound very droid like.
Red2D2: Golly…you’re kind of a dimwit. And I’m not a grump. I’m just stating facts. If I say beep boop after it, will that send less “grumpy” and more droid like?
Smokes: It might.
Red2D2: You’re kind of a dimwit, sir. Beep Boop!
Smokes: You know strangely that makes it sound more official.
Red2D2: That’s great. I’m so happy. Do you want to waste my time any more or are you good kid?
Smokes: Kid…wow, you kind of remind me of my friend Hans Dingo. His ship could use a little work, you want to come back with me to the future and join an exciting space battle against impossible odds? I have to be honest, there’s a chance we could all die?
Red2D2: You know, after talking to you for five minutes that doesn’t seem so bad. Let’s roll!

Smokes brings his new friend back to the TARDIS. The Doctor is finishing up his work on the Time Matrix.

The Doctor: Who is this? Did you make a new friend Smokes?
Red2D2: Are you like his caretaker? This guy shouldn’t be let out by himself for too long.
The Doctor: Yeah I’ve spent literally like an hour with him and oh boy!
Red2D2: What’s the deal with him, is he like a clone or something?
The Doctor: Eh, it’s some sort of temporal paradox situation. He somehow wanked up the timeline. Wanked himself over good. I guess you could call him Smokes Timewanker! I’ve never seen anything like it.
Red2D2: Well, that’s new. Yeah, I guess I’ll tag along. Won’t be boring at least.
Smokes: Golly guys, you know I’m right here!
Red2D2: Believe me Smokes, people are always aware when you are nearby.
The Doctor: Ain’t that the truth. Ok, all set guys? Let’s go!
Smokes: All right! Next stop, big space battle to save the galaxy! This time, I’ll make sure I eat first!

Smokes takes out his bag of hazelnuts for a snack. He finds another stale one, and remembering what happened last time, smartly walks over to the TARDIS door and throws it out. It sails through the air down to the city streets below. The young Jedi in training sits back in his comfy recliner for the trip ahead. Next stop, the battle between the rebels and the Dev Star!



Down on the streets of Miso Hornay, people are enjoying the sunny weather. Children are playing on their anti-gravity boards, droids are running errands for their masters, and couples are walking together. There are creatures from all over the galaxy on the streets of this bustling city. A young, very attractive man and woman stroll by, pushing a hover stroller. There are two small infants inside dozing happily, one that is quite adorable, while the other is only slightly handsome…

Vidalia Nutwanker: Sucric, come on, enjoy the day already! Enough with work stuff!
Sucric Nutwanker: All right I’m sorry! It’s just that Konobi has been really annoying me lately. He’s a good teacher but man does he drone on. That plus all the civil unrest, people are really starting to get unhappy with the way things are going. Senator Venan wants me to leave the Jedi Order and work for him. Plus, as a Jedi, I’m not supposed to be married, or have kids. The Council wants to talk to me at the end of this week, I don’t know what’s going to happen! I just don’t know…it’s like everyone wants me to do what they want!
Vidalia Nutwanker: Well, what do YOU want to do, my sweet nut?
Sucric: Well, I’d like to kiss you, my bloomin beauty!
Vidalia: Later, we just got out here! The kids are finally old enough to leave home, let’s give them some fresh air. Look how they love it! You love it don’t you little Pau! Look at you smile! Oh and look at my little man! Oh Smokes what a happy chappy you are!

Smokes is gurgling happily in his little blankie. Another large alien couple is walking by, pushing a stroller. They appear to be arguing, their many tentacles are flapping about. Smokes frowns a bit as their loud screeches come closer.

Blorax: Oh come on Fleevia! It’s just one night out with the zorks! I just want to relax!
Fleevia: Relax?! Relax?! Don’t you think I would like to relax?! I incubated four meta pods for seven cleegs! I’ve been home for ALL their moltings! Have you even eaten ONE exoskeleton? Hmmm?!
Blorax: Sigh…you’re right. I’m sorry. I’ll connect to Quivel and tell him I can’t make it.

Blorax touches a tentacle to a device in what might be his ear. It lights up and a projection appears.

Blorax: Hey, Quivel! What’s up my dabba doo! Listen, I can’t make it to the coliseum tonight, sorry. Yeah…yeah…exactly…totally! Ha! Yeah, nah she’s ok its…yeah! Nah, she’s not mad. Listen, if any of the body parts land near you try to get me a claw! Thanks man! Keep it quantum!

Blorax touches his tentacle to his device again and resumes talking to his wife. Sucric and him make eye contact as they pass and exchange knowing smiles.

Sucric: It’s the same all over…
Vidalia: What was that, oh child of prophecy?
Sucric: Ah gee, you know I hate when you bring that up. He was just a dusty old green Jedi. He can barely speak correctly!
Vidalia: I’m just teasing you. I don’t believe that crazy talk. You’re going to “bring balance to the force.” Please, you can’t even bring balance to your checkbook! Good thing I’m a Queen! Jedi’s don’t pay very well do they!
Sucric: No, no they don’t! I’m really starting to get fed up with everything!
Vidalia: So, why don’t you take one of those courses at the Cognitron? Fleeble said they have several that only take two years! You’ve always been into gadgets and mechanical stuff, you could be an engineer! Or a fitness instructor, you already have done a lot of training as a Jedi! You love working out! Then you could set your own hours, you could spend more time with me, and your children!
Sucric: You know, you’re right Vidalia. The heck with the Jedi, and the Senator, with all of them! It’s been nothing but stress and problems! I’m going to enroll tomorrow. From this moment forward, things are going to change! I am DONE being a Jedi! JP Konobi is nearby actually, at Robes R Us. I’m going to tell him today!

The slightly handsome baby Smokes interrupts his parents’ conversation by suddenly raising his head and pointing. There is a small food hover cart floating nearby, and sweet smells are coming from it. He looks to be hungry.

Sucric: What’s that smokey boy? You want something? Oh…funnel cakes! So much sugar! Do you even know how many calories are in those? Well…ordinarily I would never but if you want one…

Sucric walks over and buys a funnel cake and walks back to join his family. Smokes tries to grab the funnel cake.

Sucric: Sorry little man, I think this is too sweet for you. I’ll just have to eat it all myself. Man what a perfect day! On a day like this, all my problems don’t seem so bad. Here’s to the start of a new life! You know Vidalia, I think everything’s going to be all right!

Sucric leans his head back to get a good bite of his funnel cake. He opens his mouth wide when suddenly a hazelnut comes flying down at an incredible speed from above, right into his mouth! It punctures through his esophagus and lodges near his heart! Sucric turns white and begins choking horribly!

Vidalia: Honey!! What happened?! Honey?!! Medic droid! We need some medic droids here now!!!

Sucric has collapsed to the floor and is starting to lose consciousness. His neck and chest begin to swell up and he’s having trouble breathing. He motions to his throat and looks at his panicked wife.

Vidalia: Did something go down your throat? Sweet flipping Ewok you’re swelling up?! It looks like an allergy, but the only thing you’re allergic to is hazelnuts…oh geez! Where’s those medic droids?!!

A young JP Wan Konobi comes running, his Jedi alert has gone off to let him know of a fellow member of the order in distress. He gets there to see Vidalia kneeling over her stricken husband. He tries to help his dying student.

JP: Sucric! It’s me! What happened!

Sucric motions to his belt weakly, he is quickly running out of time.

Sucric: Epi…Pen….get my EpiPen…for allergies…quick…hurry…in my robe…stick it in… press the button…
Vidalia: Oh Heavens! I forgot all about that, quick get it out! Hurry! JP SAVE MY HUSBAND!! Just aim it at him and push the button! Hurry!

JP is panicking and fumbles around looking for the EpiPen. In his haste, he grabs Sucric’s lightsaber while feeling around under his robe and it activates. The blue blade extends with its distinctive sound, and promptly cuts of Sucric’s hand! He starts gushing blood.

Surcric: What...the hell…frigging idiot…
Vidalia: You moron! Get out of the way and…

Vidalia shoves JP to try to get him out of the way to grab the EpiPen. JP loses his balance and the lightsaber goes swinging around, cutting her down. She collapses on the hover stroller, pushing it. It starts to float down the street, heading right for a huge hill. At the bottom of the hill there is a small convention of merchants. They are selling sharp knives, broken glass, barbed wire, and cacti. Smokes gurgles happily as the stroller jiggles on its journey, quickly picking up speed.

Vidalia: You absolute…moron…unbelievable…
JP: Oh crap! Crap crap crap crap crap!

JP stands motionless for a few seconds, not knowing what to do. He hears the blaring siren of the approaching medic droids coming for Sucric and takes off after the stroller. He almost reaches it when it arrives at the start of the steep hill…and goes down it! He slaps his head with his hand and starts sprinting.



Sucric Nutwanker is loaded onto the medic droid shuttle. He feels their cold metal hands pick up his body, and he thinks he hears JP Wan Konobi cursing up a storm as he passes out into a void of nothingness. Time passes. He has no awareness and feels nothing. He floats alone in an empty blackness, like the void of outer space. After an eternity, he hears a voice, and opens his eyes. He is lying on a table in some sort of cavernous operating room. His chest feels…different.

Senator Venan: Ahh there you are…we thought we had lost you there, how do you feel, my child?
Sucric: What…what happened…Lord Venan, what are you doing here…where is..

Sucric stops when he hears himself speak. His voice sounds really cool and deep. He feels…really strong…like…super strong, and really good, like super good. Like when you’ve slept all day and you wake up and it’s still Saturday afternoon and you still have the rest of Saturday to enjoy and all day Sunday. And you smell pizza muffins cooking and remember you left a six pack of beer in the fridge. Yeah, that good.

Senator Venan: Yeah, listen. Here’s the deal. Long story short, you got a hazelnut lodged near your heart somehow. It was causing a massive inflammation and we can’t remove it. It’s really in there good and deep!
Sucric: Vidalia…my children…what...
Senator Venan: Dead and dead! Ok now that we covered that, let me tell you about that spiffy new suit you are wearing. It’s called a Fitbit Sith, and it has got ALL the bells and whistles. I mean I spared no expense here for you buddy. On account of the whole dead family thing. You know I’ve been really pushing you to come on board with me on this business idea I got!
Sucric: My family…the whole Nutwanker clan…
Senator Venan: Yeah about that, listen…Nutwanker is kind of a well…lame name for my new number two! You need a more impressive name now! How do you feel about…Darth Circus?
Darth Circus: Circus…I see…because that’s what life is, an empty show, a hollow attempt to amuse ourselves . We stuff ourselves with peanuts and sweets as we stare at curiosities and monstrosities…
Senator Venan: Ok…that’s something, you’re feeling a little down now. I just took Sucric and flipped it around and thought it sounded cool but you do you. Now…rise Lord Circus. Try out your suit!

The newly christened Darth Circus stands up slowly from the table. He looks around and sees a dozen Republic Stormtroopers in their shiny white armor. He moves around, getting used to the feel of his new suit. He feels…powerful…and…alive!

Darth Circus: Wow…this is really something, what did you call it a FitBit Sith…wait…Sith…Isn’t that…?!
Senator Venan: The “evil” counterpart to the Jedi? You know, I’ve been thinking about that for the past few years and I think I finally understand.
Darth Circus: The Jedi said…
Senator Venan: The Jedi hang around in robes with young boys. They don’t make money, they can’t date, they mediate. How is their health plan? Do you think the Jedi’s paid for your suit? Geez, you don’t even get a pension man! They’ve been taking advantage of you! You were their servant, their slave! I want you to be my partner!
Darth Circus: Partner…for what?
Senator Venan: Well, I’ll fill you in on the details later, after you’ve had a chance to adjust a bit. Let’s just say I’m going to be retiring from being a Senator. You can call me…EMPEROR Venan from now on!
Darth Circus: Oh…OH! Oh man, that’s…Damn…you’re going to take over the…
Emperor Venan: I’m simply going to take what’s rightfully man. Nothing valuable is ever given, it must be taken. The Jedi want to get along with everyone. They want peace. They want harmony. They want serenity! That way of life is death to me. Stagnation! Sit around in an itchy robe and meditate! Tell me, did that feel right to you, did you enjoy that?
Darth Circus: Well…no…it was really boring. Those robes are itchy! You would think with all this technology they could make a non-itchy robe! And the vegetarian food. Uh…I ate so many almonds!
Emperor Venan: Well you’ve eaten your last nut, Sith Lords get steaks baby! Of course that way of life didn’t suit you, you have passion. Passion gives us strength! Strength gives us power! Power gives us victory! Through victory we break the chains that bind us. Tell me, do you still want to be a Jedi now?
Darth Circus: Oh man…hell no! I don’t know what I was thinking.
Emperor Venan: Mwhahahah! Your vision was clouded, now you can see clearly. Let me show you the power of the dark side of the force.

Emperor Venan raises his hands towards one of the Stormtroopers. Darth Circus can feel energy gathering. Suddenly, lighting shoots out of his hands and totally wanks up the Stormtrooper!

Darth Circus: What...the…
Emperor Venan: Pretty sweet huh? Did JP Wan ever teach you anything like that?
Darth Circus: He spent a lot of time showing me how to adjust my robe so I didn’t trip. I never got to do anything cool like that!
Emperor Venan: Hmph. You will find that there’s a lot of things the Jedi’s didn’t tell you. Well, why don’t you give it a try. Go ahead, we have plenty more soldiers!
Darth Circus: Really, won’t we need them to take over the Republic?
Emperor Venan: They’re clones, I order them in packs of 100.
Darth Circus: Oh, in that case…let’s see. How do I…
Emperor Venan: Try something simple for now. Just reach out with your mind and think of crushing all who oppose you. Feel your passion, let it rise in you. Let it fuel your power.

Darth Circus closes his eyes and imagines crushing his enemies. He remembers choking on the hazelnut, and how his throat felt. He opens his eyes and raises his hand towards one of the Stormtroopers. He begins to choke, and falls down dead to the floor!

Darth Circus: Holy Sith! That was awesome! Such power! Damn!
Emperor Venan: Yes, you are quite capable as you can see. Hey, why don’t you try out your suit. As I told you, it’s quite fancy. See what some of those buttons can do!

Darth Circus looks down at his chest, there are many buttons and controls. He sees ones and pushes it. A microphone pops out, and some really good music comes on. It has a great beat, and he finds that his body starts to move along to it. A giant disco ball type device lowers from the ceiling and splashes spots of colored lights all over the room.

Emperor Venan: It even has some Karaoke crystals. Give it a shot!

Darth Circus looks down at the microphone. He feels powerful, and full of passion! He has to let it out or he feels he will explode! He begins to sing a song that happens to sound exactly like “I Will Survive” by Gloria Gaynor, except that this is a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away and he couldn’t possibly know that song…


Once I fought for good and I was satisfied,
I trained with JP Konobi right by my side.
I had so much love to give,
I wouldn’t fight, I would forgive.
I was deprived, I was deprived!

Then I got a hazelnut stuck down deep inside,
It would not budge, it didn’t matter just how hard I tried.
My life really hit the skids, when I lost my wife and kids,
Oh yes it did, oh yes it did!

So look at me, somebody new!
I’m not that silly little padawan whose
lightsaber was blue!
I’ll build my throne from all the dead,
now that my lightsaber is red,
from the dark side, from the dark side!
Hey hey!

I got so much Sith to learn,
I got anger and it burns.
Oh it burns, oh it burns!
Hey hey!


Everyone: Hey hey!

The Stormtroopers are dancing around in time to the music, their choreography is amazing. They are doing fancy moves with their feet and shaking their hands in perfect unison with each other.

You Jedi’s,
think you’re the source,
You’re so pathetic,
you don’t know how to use the force.
Darth Circus is my name and I won’t play that good guy game,
It’s so lame, it’s so lame,
Hey hey!

Everyone: Hey hey!
Emperor Venan: Bring it home Circus! Feel the power of the dark side baby!

Oh and I,
Love the dark side!
Oh blacks the coolest color and I wear it with such pride!
I have so much hate to give and I’ll crush all those who live,
for the dark side, for the dark side!

Everyone: Hey hey!

Darth Circus does a running leap and land on his knees, sliding across the floor. He takes out his new red lightsaber and spins around and around, slicing through several Stormtroopers. He ends up by the Emperor.

Emperor Venan: And…now your journey to the dark side is complete! Here’s your membership card and your coffee mug. It’s made from the skull of a Jedi! Come on, let me show you the gym. The Sith gym has machines AND free weights. There’s never a wait, it is just us after all.

The Emperor and Darth Circus walk off together, laughing.

Stormtrooper1: That was awesome! We were really good!
Stormtrooper2: Yeah, I loved everything but when he choked Dennis.
Stormtrooper1: Well, yeah, but I mean he just lost his family, changed his allegiance, it’s been an emotional day for him. I’m sure it was just a one time thing.
Stormtrooper2: Yeah you’re right. Hey, want to get a funnel cake?
Stormtrooper1: Race you!


Far above, a robed figure watches from a skylight. He is holding two small babies that he rescued after an amazing display of Jedi acrobatics and usage of the force…

JP Wan Konobi: *gulp* So much for a happy reunion, I better get you guys to Master Yoda, he’ll know what to do!

JP travels quickly to the trendy loft apartment of Yoda, head Jedi. He fills him in quickly about the shocking revival of the Sith, the transformation of Sucric Nutwanker, and a new robe store that has just opened in town. He places the young twins in Yoda’s bed, which fits them perfectly while the two Jedis discuss their next step.

Yoda: Most upsetting this is! So, not only singing, but dancing they were?!
JP: Yes Master Yoda, it was crazy. It was this whole involved musical number. They were putting on this amazing big production. It was totally improvised, with no rehearsal. Broadway quality. No joke.
Yoda: Strong indeed is the dark side. Most concerning, this is.
JP: Geez, such skill with the force. Sucric always was a prodigy…can we hope to fight this?
Yoda: Hmmm let us see…by me come stand, young Konobi.

JP and Yoda stand next to each other. They try to do a little song and dance number. It does not go well. They end up bumping into each other and their musical abilities are…lacking.

Yoda: Out of tune, we are. American Idol even, we would lose. Not even a commercial, could we get.
JP: Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
Yoda: Bail.
JP: Bail.
Yoda: Totally. Into exile, we must go. The young princess I will take. Hide her with her mother’s family I will. Only the best she will receive, disguise her past I will.
JP: I’ll take baby Smokes to Hazeline, I have a small condo there.
Yoda: Excellent. Train and raise him you can. Just dump him off at the local orphanage I know you won’t. Oh, and change his last name you must. Nutwanker would stand out of course.
JP: Of course, I will totally spend time with him and train him in the ways of the force. Cuz that’s what I want to do, spend my retirement raising someone else’s kid in a tiny condo.
Yoda: Excellent, because straight out lazy that would be to just dump him off on Hazeline and not bother to change his name.
JP: Geez, it was so much easier to talk to you before you had that stroke.
Yoda: Lacking, the Jedi health plan is. Deductible is high, it is.

The two Jedis say their goodbyes, and rush off to hide the children of Sucric Nutwanker. At the same time, Darth Circus and Lord Venan begin their takeover of the Republic. This whole chain of events has been set in motion by one humble little hazelnut. Back on the TARDIS, the adult Smokes sits in the comfy recliner finishing up his snack. Red2D2, their newest member watches in awe as Smokes finishes the whole bag of hazelnuts, many of them still in their shells. The Doctor looks over at him.

The Doctor: Ready Smokes?
Smokes: Yeah baby let’s do this! Time to save the Galaxy! Time to meet my destiny! Time to change the course of history!


The time matrix starts up and the TARDIS disappears. Next stop…the battle with the Dev Star!



End of Part 5

[Famous_Fella_O_Nutella]

Guild Wars




Part 6




Smokes sits in the comfy recliner full of determination. This time, the Dev Star is going down! The TARDIS materializes back on Miso Hornay, about ten minutes before Smokes had left for the attack on the Dev Star. Rebel pilots are running around frantically as they prepare to launch their ships. Smokes is shocked to see a previous version of himself running to his Starfighter. He looks a little lightheaded…

Smokes: Doctor! That’s me! How..l
The Doctor: Remember Smokes, we went back into the past ten minutes before you wanked it all up!
Smokes: Oh…so what do I do exactly…
The Doctor: Don’t worry about that, I just have to reintegrate your previous self and your current self.
Smokes: Oh…reintegrate…um…how does that work?
The Doctor: Oh it’s a simple procedure. Watch.

The Doctor takes out a hazelnut and waves it around. The previous Smokes seems to smell it, and turns around. He sees The Doctor and…himself! The current Smokes waves, and previous Smokes faints dead away in shock. The Doctor slowly walks over. In all the commotion of the rebels preparations, no one seems to notice such an odd occurrence. Previous Smokes lies unconscious on the floor by his Starfighter.

The Doctor: Ok, now all I have to do is get him into the TARDIS and throw him into the time matrix and he will reintegrate with you. You will both merge into just the one Smokes and this new timeline can continue with no problems. We can’t have two of you running around, after all! One is enough!
Smokes: Wow this is so weird. Well, I guess I’ll help you carry…myself.
The Doctor: NO! Whatever you do you can’t touch your past self, it could open a crack in…

Smokes reaches down and grabs his previous self’s foot. As soon as his hand touches himself, the universe itself seems to shake. What appears to be a large crack floating in the air appears. It starts to open slowly and inside it Smokes can see what appears to be a conference table with people in suits around it. A small furious looking mouse with big ears is screaming at everyone.

Mickey Mouse: Ha ha! Listen up, you wankers! I just paid FIVE BILLION for this franchise, and we are gonna milk the heck out of it, by golly! I want five new revenue streams by next week! Star Wars High School, Star Wars Babies, genetically engineer some dogs to look like Ewoks, whatever you think those idiots fanboys will fork over their cash for! Pick some new actors for EVERYTHING so we don’t have to pay them too much, kill off all the originals. As for the EA loot boxes fiasco, wait for the uproar to die down, then bring em back but don’t make it so FRIGGIN OBVIOUS! If you morons wank this up for me I’ll bury you beneath The Small World ride like the others! Do I have to do everything?!

The mouse’s face is turning red as he screams at the scared businessmen. He looks up and his eyes meet Smokes. A cold shiver runs down the young Nutwanker’s spine. He senses true concentrated evil like he’s never felt before. He quickly takes his hand off his previous self’s foot, and the crack closes quickly, making a sound like thunder that echoes in his ears.

The Doctor: Yeah…you see that’s what I’m trying to avoid.
Smokes: What…what in the name of hazelnuts was…
The Doctor: You really don’t want to jump down that rabbit hole Smokes. Just focus on saving the galaxy! You have an evil empire that causes suffering for billions to defeat! One not run by a mouse…
Smokes: You’re right! Into my ship I go! My blood sugar is fine and I’m ready to save the galaxy! Thanks for everything Doc!

Smokes and The Doctor exchange some heartfelt goodbyes and the young Jedi in training climbs into his Starfighter. The Doctor picks up the past Smokes’ body and roughly tosses it into the Time Matrix where it disappears as it merges with current timeline Smokes. The young Nutwanker launches into space to face the incoming Venan fleet…and the Dev Star! As his ship reaches the battle, he sees the Centennial Kiwi fighting valiantly. Smokes contacts Hans Dingo over the radio.

Smokes: Hans! I need to get in close to the Dev Star. I need you to distract the Venan fighters while I make my approach!
Hans Dingo: What the bloody hell do you think I’m doing now? What else ya want from me, a catchy musical production to get their attention?!
Smokes: Sure, that sounds great! It sure would get the rebels pumped!
Hans Dingo: Bloody nutwanker…I better get paid for this…Ah well, what the heck…

Hans Dingo adjusts some dials on his control panel. He takes out a microphone and hooks it up. He is now broadcasting a signal to the combined rebel and Venan fleets! Treybacca takes out a small flute and prepares to join in! They begin to perform a song that by another amazing coincidence happens to sound exactly like “Down Under” by Men at Work. Han Dingo’s voice is deep and surprisingly good, and the large Treybacca is an excellent flute player. The rebel pilots begin to attack with renewed energy, while the Venan forces seems to be distracted.


Traveling in my awesome Kiwi
I’m living my way and so free
I met a strange lady, she gave me such stress.
Wants to be treated like a princess!
And I say:

I fly the Centennial Kiwi!
Out in space, with a wookie.
While Venan’s trying to kill me!
All I knows I better get money!

*Treybacca flute solo*

My wookie can be scary.
Eight foot four, and very hairy!
But I’ll tell ya he’s a lot of fun hun!
And man can he cook a bloomin onion!
And I say:

I fly the Centennial Kiwi!
Out in space, with a wookie.
While Venan’s trying to kill me!
All I knows I better get money!

*Another great Treybacca flute solo*

Princess Pau, I ought to thank her,
Cuz of her, I met Nutwanker.
He thinks he can be a Jedi!
But I think he’s gonna make us all die!
And I say:

I fly the Centennial Kiwi!
Out in space, with a wookie.
While Venan’s trying to kill me!
All I knows I better get money!

The catchy song helps motivate the rebel fighters. Smokes is able to fly his ship close to the Dev Star. He begins to makes his approach. Darth Circus launches his own squadron and flies out to try to stop the rebels. With his blood sugar now at safe levels, Smokes is able to focus and begins to tap into the force. His reflexes are much improved, and he’s able to shoot down a couple of the Venan ships with some help from Hans Dingo and the other rebel pilots. The young Nutwanker finally approaches the access port. Turning on his targeting computer, he sees a window pop up…

Smokes: Update needed? Fine, yes. Updating. We’d love to hear your feedback on this application, would you like to leave a rating? Geez! For the love of…

Smokes quickly gives the targeting program five stars and finally the FIRE buttons displays. Smokes hits it, and the plasma missiles launch! They streak out like lightning, right into the access port of the Dev Star!

Darth Circus: Hey guys…did that rebel pilot just fire missiles into the Dev Star? Why does the access port not have a covering?
Stormtrooper: It has a sign that says “Devs Only.” We can’t put a covering on it. Union rules.
Darth Circus: Damn union! Well, good thing we saved the Dev Star Plans to the cloud I guess.

The Dev Star shudders and shakes as its power core is hit. An explosion starts to build inside it and enlarges to engulf the entire installation. The Dev Star explodes in a massive and very impressive display of fire and shiny metal parts. The ship of Darth Circus is hit by the blast and goes spinning off into space! The rebels cheer as Smokes Nutwanker flies back to base, followed by the victorious Centennial Kiwi. Everyone cheers as they land.


The next day in a large assembly hall, Princess Pau stands on the stage. Smokes Nutwanker, Hans Dingo, and Treybacca walk down a red carpet pass hundreds of cheering rebel soldiers. They reach the stage and are presented by medals for their bravery by the Princess.

Princess Pau: Great work guys! I’m so proud of all of you. Even you Hans Dingo!
Hans Dingo: Ahhh well whatever, wasn’t like I was doing anything else!
Smokes: Golly Princess, we’re just glad we could help. It’s an honor to get to serve you!
Princess Pau: Oh Smokes you are such a sweet nut!

Princess gives Smokes a kiss. It’s totally innocent and would only be a little weird if it turned out they were brother and sister. In that case, people would just ignore it and pretend it never happened. She gives Hans Dingo a polite firm handshake. There is now just a little bit of respect between them. Treybacca roars and raises his hands to the sky in victory. The music swells and everyone cheers again! For today, it appears that the galaxy is saved! The story is over…unless it does really well and makes a lot of money in which case there will be two more movies made hastily. If that happens, stay tuned for Guild Wars: Venan Strikes back!




THE END

[Famous_Fella_O_Nutella]

A long time ago, on a server far, far away…

[Famous_Fella_O_Nutella]

Guild Wars



Venan Strikes Back


It’s been a year since the destruction of the Dev Star. The Venan Empire, furious at the destruction of their super weapon has spared no expense to destroy the rebels. The war against those who would defy the will of Emperor Venan has kicked into high gear. Aboard a Venan Star Destroyer, Darth Circus makes preparations for the end of the rebellion...

Darth Circus: Ok guys, you are the best bounty hunters in the galaxy. I’ve given you the information. I want them, preferably alive so I can make them suffer!
Jango Vilt: Yes, my master we shall bring them to you.
Glenda Fett: We’re a good team, we never have failed to bring back one of our bounties.
Darth Circus: Yes, you always bring back what is asked for. Why, I heard last summer you two even brought sexy back!
Jango Vilt: Yes, but Justin Timberlake got all the credit.
Glenda Fett: Damn his talented bum! What a singer though! And easy on the eyes!
Darth Circus: And he does comedy too! He’s always a delight on Saturday Night Live. Well, get going you two, the Empire has put its faith in you both. Make sure it has not been misplaced.

Darth Circus makes a choking motion with his hand and Glenda Fett and Jango Vilt look at each other and swallow. The two famous bounty hunters leave to begin their hunt. Darth Circus sighs and presses a button on his desk.

Darth Circus: Cheryl, send in the first candidate please! I’m ready to begin the interviews. Sigh.

The door opens up and a young blobby alien walks in. He seems very nervous and uncomfortable as he sits in the chair across from Darth Circus.

Darth Circus: Well, hello there…Duncan is it?
Duncan: Um…yes sir Mr. Circus sir.
Darth Circus: LORD Circus, or Darth is fine Duncan.
Duncan: Um yes Mr. Lord sir.
Darth Circus: Sigh…So Duncan, why do you want to be a Sith Lord’s apprentice?
Duncan: Well um, you see Mr. Darth I am looking for some extracurricular activities, you see I’m currently in Dagoba State University where I’m majoring in communications and umm…you see…the Empire…uhmmm…
Darth Circus: Communications…yeah I can see you could use some help with that. Listen Duncan, I’ll be blunt with you. The Empire is looking for…well…let me show you.

Darth Circus presses another button on his desk. A Venan Stormtrooper comes in and stands by the desk. He gives Darth Circus a salute. The Sith Lord raises his hand and the Stormtrooper begins to choke. His body falls to the floor and Darth Circus turns back to face Duncan.

Darth Circus: See Duncan, that’s the kind of…Duncan?

Duncan has passed out and is lying on the floor. Darth Circus sighs again. He presses yet another button and a small trapdoor opens up under Duncan’s pale blobby body. It falls down into the hole, and gets stuck. Darth Circus sighs and sticks his lightsaber down into the trap door. He roots it around a bit until Duncan’s comatose form is dislodged and goes falling into the disposal plasma jets below. The trapdoor closes. Darth Circus bangs his head on his desk a few times and leaves it there for a several minutes. Finally, he wearily raises his head and presses the intercom button and speaks into it.

Darth Circus: Cheryl? Could you send in the next applicant please? Oh, and I’d like a fresh iced coffee.
Cheryl: Any milk or sugar sir?
Darth Circus: No, thank you Cheryl. I’d like it BLACK. BLACK and COLD like my heart! Actually, maybe one packet of Splenda would be nice. Oh, and can I have it in my Wicket Ewok mug?
Cheryl: Yes of course, Lord Circus. Also, Emperor Venan called, he’d like to talk to you later about the discovery of your long lost son and trying to win him over to the Dark Side. Oh, and he wants you to look at some of the colors he’s picked out for the new Dev Star plans. He’s not sure about the fusion core theme, he’s thinking about Ebony for the power couplings and Midnight Sun for the containment matrix.
Darth Circus: Sigh…those are all just black…everything is black…Thank you Cheryl, I’ll make sure to talk to him later.
Cheryl: You’re welcome sir. I’m sending in the next applicant now. Actually, she’s the only other applicant left.

The doors open and a young woman walks in. She has a strong confident stride, and her face betrays no emotion. Deep in her eyes, a fire burns. She walks over to the desk and stands there intensely, like a caged tiger. Darth Circus glances at her application.

Darth Circus: Please, sit down…Sara…Starkiller?
Sara: I’ll stand thank you Lord Circus. I do not permit myself the luxury of sitting. I will stand because I am strong. I can sit if and when I die.
Darth Circus: Well hello! Now THAT’S what I’m looking for! So…I’ve been looking at your file here…looks like you got a perfect score on your S.A.T? I’ve never heard of such a thing before! Tell me, how did you manage that?
Sara: The Sith Aptitude Test? It was simple. I noted unlike other tests there is no prohibitions against cheating. I used the force to…persuade the test supervisor to give me the answers.
Darth Circus: Ahhh very nice. Now, we had to grade this test by hand, looks like you didn’t use a number two pencil. You used some sort of red ink pen?
Sara: I used the number two pencil to kill the top student in the class which broke the tip and I could not use it to write with. That “red ink” is his blood. I killed him, then held his body up to the rest of the class. I made them watch me use his blood to fill out the test. Then, I allowed them to leave. They all ran out except for Duncan. I would not let him exit.
Darth Circus: Duncan, that moron? Why didn’t you let him leave?
Sara: I wanted him to go in for his interview first so that I would look even better by comparison, my Lord.
Darth Circus: Wow…well, Sara Starkiller…You know I am wearing all black but right now you can color me IMPRESSED! Let me ask you, when did you realize you wanted to join the Sith? Tell me about how you came to realize your passion?
Sara: I was doing a lot of PVP one day, and I grew frustrated. It didn’t matter how strong or skilled I was, it was all about luck, random numbers being generated. I grew furious at the futility and senselessness of it all and I wanted to see it all burn. So, I set fire to the colosseum stands and locked the doors on the way out.
Darth Circus: You see, that’s the kind of passion we don’t see so much anymore! I really like what I’m hearing. Let’s just skip ahead to the final part of the interview.

Darth Circus presses yet another button on desk. A door opens up and a dog trots in. Sara immediately recognizes it as hers.

Darth Circus: This is your dog, Mr. Pickles. You’ve had him since you were a little girl. He was the only friend you had after your parents were crushed by that truckload of hazelnuts. You have raised and trained him since he was just a puppy. He obeys your every command. On the other side of the room you see those plasma beams guarding the access port to the computer core. Now, I’m going to place him down here in front of you and…

With a frightening speed Sara reaches down and grabs Mr. Pickles. Without any hesitation, she tosses him into the searing heat of the plasma beams. The dog is instantly vaporized in a barely audible puff.

Darth Circus: …you can show me how well you’ve trained him by ordering him to navigate through those plasma beams and hitting the unlock button…
Sara: Sorry, Lord Circus. This kind of test, with a beloved childhood pet…I assumed you were going to have my kill my pet to show my obedience to you.
Darth Circus: Wow! Yeah no need to apologize, you got just what we are looking for! Sara Starkiller, welcome to the Sith! I think you’re going to just fit right in. Cheryl will show you the gym, get you set up on the time clock, tax stuff, etc. Now, health insurance takes one month to kick in, but feel free to drain the life force of anyone you come across before then if needed.

Cheryl comes in with the ice coffee for the Sith Lord, it’s in his special Ewok mug. She puts it down on his desk, and then takes out some new hire paperwork for Sara to fill out.

Darth Circus: Oh Cheryl, it’s delicious! You spoil me!
Cheryl: Oh you! Well you’re just so fun to spoil!
Sara: Excuse me, what do I put for deductions under Federal? And do I need to fill out the references? Anyone that knew anything about me either died or was killed by me.
Darth Circus: Oh, don’t worry about any of that, it’s just for our files. Just write DCSIC on all of that.
Sara: DCSIC?
Cheryl: Darth Circus Says It’s Cool.
Sara: Got it!
Darth Circus: Wonderful! Well, I have a holo meeting with the Emperor…so…I will see you later, Miss Sara Starkiller! I really am looking forward to crushing the rebellion under our boots together!
Sara: Oh, do I have to get boots? And a uniform?
Cheryl: Oh, that’s all provided! Come with me to the Sith Boutique, I’ll help you pick out a wonderfully terrifying ensemble. Oh it’s so nice to have another lady around here! I’m usually just stuck with Mr. Grumpy Nut over here!
Darth Circus: Oh Cheryl! I’m not grumpy, I’m focused!
Cheryl: Yes, you’re like the boy scouts in summer time!
Sara: The boy scouts in summertime?
Darth and Cheryl: In tents!
Sara: In…tents?
Darth Circus: Yeah, cuz “in tents” sounds like “intense”…like I’m really focused and…intense…
Sara: Oh! Hey that’s pretty good…the boy scouts in summer…I’m going to learn a lot here!
Darth Circus: Sara my young apprentice, I think you and I are going to paint the town dead together!
Sara: Isn’t the expression “paint the town red?” Oh….Oh! I get it! Oh another good one Lord Circus!

Darth Circus and his new Sith apprentice laugh evilly as Cheryl begins filing out Venan Empire form 1055 B, new employee hire approved. She finishes and begins to fill out the seldom used Venan Empire form S01, Sith apprentice orientation. She is using red ink.


Meanwhile, on the ice planet of Hoyboyitscold, the rebellion has set up their new secret base underground, cut into the ice itself. Smokes Nutwanker has been out in the icy wastelands practicing using the force while Princess Pau plans the rebel’s next move. Hans Dingo and Treybacca have stuck around to help, realizing their only hope of ever getting fully paid is if the rebels win. The rogue smuggler and the wookie have been spending the last several months upgrading the Centennial Kiwi for the coming battles.

Hans Dingo: Oi! Careful with that plasma coupling ya big hairy wookie! That’s gonna double our power output!
Treybacca: If you’re going to keep yelling at me I’ll just go practice my flute. I don’t need this!

Treybacca runs off very upset. The sounds of his sad growls echo through the caverns that have been cut into the ice. Princess Pau hears his crying and stops by to see what’s going on.

Princess Pau: Hey! Why is Treybacca all upset? What did you do to him?
Hans Dingo: That big clumsy hairball almost dropped our new coupling! If you rebels ain’t gonna pay me I’m at least gonna use your parts to upgrade my ship!
Princess Pau: You know something Hans? I was so glad when you decided to stay and help the rebels, but sometimes you can be a real jerk!
Hans Dingo: Well excuse me Princess! Believe me, as soon as I get what’s owned me I’m out of here!
Princess Pau: Fine with me! I only came over here to ask if you’ve seen Smokes. He’s been gone for hours. I’m starting to get worried.
Hans Dingo: I’m sure he’s fine, he’s the hero of the rebellion isn’t he?
Princess Pau: Yes and he’s slightly handsome too!
Hans Dingo: Very slightly.
Princess Pau: Don’t go getting jealous now Hans! But seriously, I’m getting worried! Would you go out and look for him?
Hans Dingo: Ah fine, I ain’t getting much done here without Treybacca anyway.
Princess Pau: Hans…thank you. I appreciate it. You know I…never mind.

The Princess looks as if she wanted to say something to Hans, but thinks better of it. She turns and leaves. Hans sighs and begins to suit up to go out and search for the slightly handsome young Jedi.

Hans Dingo: Damn Nutwanker! I’m gonna freeze my bloomin onions off out there! The things I do for the rebels, I better get a new ship out of this!


Meanwhile, Smokes Nutwanker is out on patrol in the icy wastelands, honing his Jedi skills. He is riding his Wonton, a plump, doughy animal. He sees something streak across the sky and land in the ice with a thundering crash.

Smokes: What the heck? Was that a meteorite?! I better go check it out!

Smokes approaches the crash site on his Wonton. As he gets closer he sees movement! This is no meteorite, it’s a Venan Empire probe droid, searching for rebels! Smokes hides behind an icy boulder as the probe floats around searching. He dares not make a sound, if the probe detects any activity he knows it will alert the Empire! The probe is trying to flush out any hidden rebels, it uses a very sinister and almost foolproof method to check for people nearby…

Probe: Beep beep…boop boop…But I keep cruising…Can't stop, won't stop moving…It's like I got this music…In my mind…saying, "It's gonna be alright."
Smokes: Hey, that’s pretty catchy…is that Taylor Swift? Damn, I just want to sing along!
Probe: Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play. And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate. Baby, I'm just gonna shake, shake, shake, shake, shake…
Smokes: Shake it off! Shake it off! Crap!
Probe: Ha! Got ya!

Smokes panics and takes out his lightsaber. He throws it at the probe, destroying it. However, it may be too late…

Smokes: Crap! I need to get back to base to warn them! The Empire is going to be here soon!

Suddenly his Jedi senses alert him to something approaching! He turns in time to see a large shape moving towards him fast! Before he can get out his lightsaber he is attacked, and knocked out! He wakes up an unknown amount of time later, suspended from the ceiling of an ice cave. The body of his Wonton is below, it has been eaten! It looks like the creature that attacked them has decided to save Smokes for an after dinner snack. His lightsaber lies on the icy floor below. The young Jedi hears a strange shuffling on the ice and a low growl…the creature is returning! Smokes focuses himself and concentrates. With his mind, he reaches out for his lightsaber. The creature enters the cave! It is large and covered in white fur, with huge claws! It sees that Smokes is awake and begins to run towards him! The young Nutwanker closes his eyes and focuses. He sees the lightsaber leap into his hands in his mind. He opens his eyes and with a burst of determination reaches out with his hand for his lightsaber. It begins to jiggle! The creature is almost upon him when his weapon leaps into his hand! He activates it and cuts himself free, falling to the floor of the cave. With barely a moment to spare he slices at the creature. It howls in pain and falls down…dead. Smokes staggers around the cave, injured and disoriented. It is freezing, and the sun is setting. He wanders out to the entrance of the cave and realizes he is miles from the rebel base with no transportation. He begins the long trek back.

Smoke: So…so cold…must…keep moving...can’t stop or I’ll…

Smokes collapses on the ice. He has no more energy left, the cold has sapped his strength. He thinks he hears a voice…

JP: Smokes…Smokes listen to me…
Smokes: JP Wan Konobi? Is that really you?
JP: Oh it’s me. Hurry up and wake up man I gotta talk to you. Geez this place sure looks cold!
Smokes: Wait…are you like, watching me all the time or what?
JP: I am one with the force, I am everywhere. I can observe the universe and all that live in it.
Smokes: So wait…why didn’t you warn me about that approaching creature? Or…why can’t you like appear and distract some of the Venan troops? Or like spy on them for us? There are literally hundreds of things you could do to help us with these powers of yours!
JP: Those are all valid points that I’m going to ignore and you’re going to forget about. Listen, here’s the deal, you need more Jedi training.
Smokes: Yeah, believe me I am super aware of that. You went and got sliced up by Darth Circus so there went my teacher!
JP: I want you to go to the Dagobra system…there you will find your new teachers.
Smokes: Wait…don’t you mean Dagobah? And what do you mean teachers? I’m getting more than one?
JP: No, I mean Dagobra. There’s a lovely little bed and breakfast there I want you to travel to. And yes, you will be getting two instructors. I’ll be blunt, one teacher isn’t going to cut it with you. My teacher Yoda on Dagobah is old and cranky and doesn’t have the patience to deal with you. You’ll be seeing two of his younger relatives.
Smokes: So, I’ll be getting trained by two men?
JP: Oh heavens no, I said they will need PATIENCE to deal with you. You will be getting two female instructors! Nothing else will work!
Smokes: Oh...two women? Why does it have to be women?
JP: Anyone who works with you will have to endure pain, frustration and abuse, not to mention have enormous self-control to keep themselves from strangling you. Only women have experience handling that level of suffering.
Smokes: You know it’s hard not to feel kind of insulted.
JP: Oh you poor baby! You want to defeat the Venan Empire but I hurt your little feelings! Geez! Listen I got crap to do man. Just go to the Dagobrah system to the “Yoda One For Me” Bed and Breakfast. It’s the only one with a five star rating on Yelp. Look for YoDanae and YodAleza. They will finish your Jedi training. Only then will you become a Jedi Master and only then will you have a chance against the Empire. Only then will you have a chance to defeat Darth Circus.
Smokes: Ok sure…I’ll just try not to freeze to death first…say…can you help with that?
JP: Sorry, I’m just a spirit. Or a force ghost. Whatever!
Smokes: Thanks…for…nothing…

Smokes collapses and passes out on the ice. There is only the sound of the howling wind on the icy plains. After a few minutes, the faint sound of a Wonton running across the ice are heard. It’s Hans Dingo!

Hans Dingo: Oi! Smokes! Hell of a place to take a nap! What the heck man! Smokes!

Hans gets off his Wonton and goes to check on Smokes. He is drooling and mumbling.

Smokes: JP…you moron…Dagobrah…bed and breakfast…hazelnuts…Darth Circus…
Hans Dingo: Hey! Wake up man, we gotta get you warmed up! You’re freezing!
Smokes: Hans…you came…you do care…
Hans Dingo: Ah shut up kid, the princess was all bent out of shape over you.
Smokes: Princess…hope I get…another kiss…it would be totally fine and not weird looking back on it later…

Just then Hans Dingo’s Wonton gives a strange cry, and falls over dead. Apparently it had not been feeling well and this long run through the ice finished it off.

Hans Dingo: Son of a wookie! We’re gonna freeze to death out here! We need some sort of shelter to hide in until we can be found! But where…

Hans looks at the large warm body of the Wonton. He looks as Smokes’ lightsaber. He looks back at the Wonton…

Hans Dingo: Oh geez…well…we don’t have much of a choice. Guess it’s time to make like a baby kangaroo!

Hans Dingo takes Smokes’ lightsaber and cuts open the belly of the dead Wonton. It smells horrible. He grabs Smokes and shoves him inside. He follows in after several minutes of cursing at his luck. It’s actually quite warm and after listening to the howling wind for several minutes, Hans falls asleep.

Hans Dingo: Eh…I’ve spent the night at worst places…


The next morning the Princess is awakened by a radio call from some rebel soldiers out on patrol, Smokes and Hans have been found! This joyous information s is soon followed by bad news from Smokes. The Empire’s probe has detected them, and the Empire will soon be on its way! Alarms blare as the rebels prepare to be attacked! Princess Pau knows Darth Circus will stop at nothing to wipe out the rebellion, and after a moment of panic, she steels herself and runs out to her generals to begin giving orders. The rebels are not going down without a fight!



End of Part 1

[Famous_Fella_O_Nutella]

Guild Wars

Venan Strikes Back



Part 2


Darth Circus is sitting at his desk reading the latest issue of “Galactic News” The headline on the front page reads “Empire Detonates Old Dev Star: This was totally on purpose to make way for a better one, says Emperor Venan.” The Sith Lord turns to the comics. He reads for a few minutes and chuckles.

Darth Circus: Oh Charlie Brown! When will you realize Lucy is never going to hold that football for you! She needs a good force choking! Hmmm…speaking of gullible idiots, I wonder if they found the rebels yet…

Darth Circus presses a button on his desk. The intercom goes off and General Fleeble answers.

General Fleeble: Yes Lord Circus?
Darth Circus: How is the search going for the rebels General? Any news from the probes yet?
General Fleeble: We have sent out 2,420 probes sir, they are still searching in over 500 star systems.
Darth Circus: So…nothing at all to report yet? None of them have seen any activity in any of those remote areas?
General Fleeble: Well, one probe was destroyed, it was on the ice world of Hoyboyitscold. It’s most certainly nothing, that planet is a very hostile and dangerous…
Darth Circus: Bingo! That’s it! Get the fleet ready to move to light speed and prepare for a ground assault! The rebel base is there, I can feel it!
General Fleeble: Sir? You want to base that decision on one destroyed probe and a…feeling?
Darth Circus: Feelings can be so very important I think. We don’t pay enough attention to them nowadays in our busy modern lives. I’m sure you have feelings too, don’t you General? Maybe you’re feeling something now…like in your throat?
General Fleeble: Feel something in my throat? What do you…gwarghh!!!…cough…yes sir! I’ll send the fleet over right away!
Darth Circus: Like friggin Charlie Brown! How many times have I had to choke you man! Son of a…sigh…

Darth Circus puts his head down on his desk. He counts all the rebels he’s choked in his head to try to calm down. One choked rebel…two choked rebels…three choked rebels…When he gets up to 100 choked rebels he opens his eyes. He feels much better. A light goes off on his desk console. It is Cheryl!

Cheryl: Sir, Emperor Venan is on Holo Line 1, he would like to speak with you!
Darth Circus: Hot Dog! Put him through Cheryl!

A holo projector rises up out of the Sith Lord’s desk and an image of the Emperor appears floating in the air. It’s not really much of a hologram, you would think a civilization that had mastered faster than light travel and artificially intelligent droids would have pretty awesome holograms. But, it is what it is, I guess.

Emperor Venan: C man! Wassup my Sith brother! Holo fist bump!
Darth Circus: Holo fist bump, Big V! Yo, I just found the new secret Rebel base, I’m sending the fleet over now! They’re on an ice planet, Hoyboyitscold!
Emperor Venan: Holy Sith! No…way!!! That is crazy! I was reading the “Galactic News” and my horoscope said I was going to have a “very ice day” today. I was so sure it was a misprint, so I had the newspaper staff slaughtered for the mistake. I really look forward to my horoscope in the morning. That, and reading Charlie Brown, that guy is such a blockhead! Man, do I feel silly now! Oh well, time to clone some more staff I guess!
Darth Circus: Ha! Oh man that is a riot! Did you use like one of those plasma cannons to level their building with them inside? Or did you just use your electric force powers and shock them all until they popped?
Emperor Venan: No! You’re going to laugh, but I had them all frozen in carbonite, then shot out into space!
Darth Circus: Ha! You gave them all an “ice day!” I love it! Nobody punishes like you man!

Emperor Venan and Darth Circus giggle in glee at the story.

Emperor Venan: Hahahaha oh man I guess I can be a bit “cold” sometimes!
Darth Circus: Stop it man! I’m crying! Oh I just imagine their frozen corpses floating around out there all wide eyed!
Emperor Venan: Hahahah…oh man…hahaha…you know, it’s the little moments like this we have to appreciate! Oh man do we have fun! Hahaha…oh that’s right I wanted to ask you about your son! The young Nutwanker… so, do you think you can get him to join the team?
Darth Circus: Oh totally. I’ll just need some time with him, it’s gonna be awesome! Father and son! I feel he has great potential! Honestly he seems a little slow now but he hasn’t had a good teacher.
Emperor Venan: I still can’t believe he was alive! Well, to be honest I didn’t really look. I mean, we were busy with the overthrow of the government and all that stuff!
Darth Circus: Eh, water under the bridge man, it’s cool. Can you believe he never even changed his name? Smokes Nutwanker! I mean, it kind of stands out! I opened my copy of “Rebel News” and there he was! “Slightly handsome rebel pilot Smokes Nutwanker destroys Dev Star!”
Emperor Venan: He has some skills already! Imagine when you give him some training! Then you’ll have two apprentices! Our team is really growing!
Darth Circus: Oh this is so exciting! And the new Dev Star is coming along nicely!
Emperor Venan: Yes, and we are using nonunion labor this time! And lots of illegal aliens. Actual aliens that is. Well anyway I just wanted to chat a bit, I’ll let you get to that big rebel attack. Hate out, DC!
Darth Circus: Hate out, V-dog!

Darth Circus smiles and presses a button on his desk. A confident female voice answers.

Sara Starkiller: Yes, Lord Circus?
Darth Circus: Hey hey my little student! Listen up, I want you to head on out to the ice planet of Hoboyitscold. We are launching an attack. I want you to oversee the assault.
Sara Starkiller: Yes, my Lord. What of your son? Should I capture him for you?
Darth Circus: No, it’s cool. He will come to me eventually. I want him be scared first, to see his friends and his cause die in front of him. It will help the anger in him grow and fester. We need to prepare him a bit before I turn him to the dark side. Remember what I said before about cultivating hatred?
Sara Starkiller: In the soil of fear grow the seeds of anger which bloom into the flowers of hate.
Darth Circus: Exactly! And what a harvest of suffering we are going to have with young Nutwanker. It’s not too late to turn him from his dream of reviving the Jedi.
Sara Starkiller: You’re always thinking ahead Lord Circus!
Darth Circus: Ahh Gosh, thanks Sara. Besides, you are a lot more skilled then he is. It wouldn’t really be much of a challenge. You’re getting really good with a lightsaber and you just force choked your first Stormtrooper last week. Choking looks easy, but you know it’s not!
Sara Starkiller: No sir, you really have to FEEL the person’s throat in your mind!
Darth Circus: With time, it will become easier. I used to keep one of those little stress balls in my pocket, whenever I had some free time I would practice by squeezing it with the force. Now go! I want that rebel base destroyed! Those two bounty hunters I hired are already on the way. I really want you to focus on supervising, but if you feel like jumping in and killing a bit go ahead! It’s your first big assignment but I know you won’t…choke?
Sara Starkiller: Ha! Oh man you’re like the best boss ever! I hear and obey!


Sara strides off confidently to head to the hidden rebel base. Darth Circus opens up his copy of “Galactic News.” He starts to read again.

Darth Circus: Oh Charlie Brown…grow a pair will you? Hahaha…Oh look! They’re opening a new coffee place down at the mall…Java the Hutt! Oh, that’s clever! Ooooo they have iced coffees! Hazelnut flavor? No thank you, I’ll stick with French Vanilla! Ohhh…20% off for Sith Masters! I’m totally there!

Darth Circus takes out a little pair of scissors from his suit and carefully cuts out the coupon. He folds it up neatly and puts it in his wallet for later. He returns to reading the paper. Now and then he chuckles as he reads the comics.



Meanwhile on the ice planet of Hoyboyitscold, Princess Pau is readying the rebel troops for the attack they know is coming. Rebel soldiers are running around preparing their ships and the base. The princess looks out over the launching area as her troops bravely prepare to meet their fate. She is nervous but determined. This will be her first real battle and she knows the hopes of the entire rebellion lie with her. She looks out into the distance at the fields of ice stretching out to the horizon. She begins to sing a song that by an amazing coincidence happens to sound exactly like “Let it Go” from the hit Disney Movie “Frozen,” now on Disney DVD and Blu-ray. Disney, just surrender to the fun!




It’s so cold, it’s so cold!
This whole damn planet blows!
I must be brave, be bold.
That’s how being a princess goes.
And I must try, so we don’t die.
I cannot lie, I want to cry!
Venan go ahead stop by,
The Empire don’t bother me anyway!
Oh…..
It’s so cold, it’s so cold!
Frozen from my head down to my toes.
But I mustn’t frown, can’t let the rebels down.
Although our journey’s far,
We blew up the damn Dev Star!
So keep your chins up high,
The Empire don’t bother me anyway!



Some rebel soldiers gather around and start listening to their princess sing. They cheer and applaud when she finishes. Suddenly a large booming sound is heard. The Empire fleet has arrived and ships have begun to land! On the horizon the Princess sees large four legged CAT-CAT walkers beginning to head towards the rebel base! The assault has begun! The princess bravely steels herself and begins giving orders!


Princess Pau: Rebels! Alpha team get in your fighters, hit those CAT-CATs head on! Bravo team flank them and take out their legs! Hans and Trey! Head up and attack from above, use concussion charges and scramble their sensors! Ground troops prepare for the Stormtroopers assault on the ice fields! You know the terrain better! Use the environment to your advantage! Give us time to evacuate the base! We will regroup in orbit and make the jump to light speed together! Go go go!


The fearful mood among the rebel troops evaporates as they see their brave princess take command! Even Hans Dingo must admit he is impressed and more than a little attracted to Pau’s determination. Smokes Nutwanker bravely and slightly handsomely heads to his fighter to lead his squadron. He turns the corner and is shocked to see The Doctor…and…himself…standing by his fighter!!!


Smokes: Doctor! And…me?! What the heck is…oh…oh no! Did I wank things up again?
The Doctor: Afraid so Smokes, but it wasn’t really your fault this time!
Future Smokes: Yeah, Venan sent some bounty hunters, they are amazing!
Smokes: Bounty Hunters?! Oh hazelnuts!
Future Smokes: Yeah, they set up an ambush for your squadron, took out pretty much everyone. They captured you, well me, well us pretty easily. If The Doctor didn’t swoop in and save me I’d be on my way to Darth Circus now!
Smokes: Damn…Doctor I sure am grateful for your help. I know you try not to interfere too much with the timeline.
The Doctor: Normally no, just for the huge things but I’m getting very nervous about what’s going on. I feel something very evil is watching from behind the scenes, affecting the timeline.
Smokes: Yeah, Emperor Venan is pretty mean!
The Doctor: Yes…but I feel something even more cold and evil is behind everything, and not just in this galaxy and time. I’m starting to believe there is something ancient and very powerful watching and waiting, like a spider in its web. I don’t really have any proof of anything but it seems to be related to Darth Circus and yourself. I’m going to be keeping a close eye on you. There’s something special about you Smokes!
Smokes: Aw shucks, you’re embarrassing me Doctor!
Future Smokes: Me too! So listen Smokes, this is kind of awkward but um…
Smokes: You have to toss me into the time matrix so I can reintegrate into you?
Future Smokes: Yeah…do you mind? We can’t take the chance of us touching again!
Smokes: Meh whatever! I get it. Good luck I guess!


Smokes walks over to the TARDIS which is parked right by his ship. He gives a last thumbs up to Future Smokes and calmly walks into the time matrix and disappears! Future Smokes is now just Smokes!


Smokes: All right! Thanks again Doc! This time I’ll get it right!
The Doctor: Later Smokes, I hope not to see you again too soon!


Smokes gets into his space fighter and takes off with his squadron. The battle is just beginning as the first few CAT-CAT walkers get into range. Smokes diverts from the orders of the Princess and heads instead to an icy hill where two very skilled bounty hunters have set up an ambush. The last time they were able to take out his entire squadron with ease, Smokes hopes to turn the tables on them on this go around. Grem2D2 and Red2D2 monitor the sensor array from their positions in the back of his ship.

Red2D2: Smokes, I’m detecting a very faint EM signature from that icy mound, we never would have seen it if you hadn’t told us to look there. Looks like you aren’t as dumb as I thought! Beep boop!
Grem2D2: That’s still not saying much! We thought he was pretty dumb!
Smokes: Yeah, thanks guys. Let’s keep out distance and flush them out. From what I remember last time their ship is pretty fast and strong, let’s try a few plasma missiles!
Grem2D2: Last time? You’ve dealt with these guys before?
Smokes: Umm I mean…never mind! Firing missiles!

Smokes fires off a few plasma missiles and their head right for the icy mound. Seconds before they hit there is a sudden movement and a ship breaks free of the ice! The bounty hunters’ ship breaks free and avoids the impact!

Glenda Fett: Damn! I really thought he was stupider then this, how the heck did he know we were there?
Jango Vilt: Don’t matter, we still have plenty of targets. Let’s forget about him and take out some rebel soldiers for a bit. We can swing around later after he’s tired out from fighting!
Glenda Fett: Good idea, I see the Centennial Kiwi on sensors, let’s swing in close and plant a tracker on it. Shaklee the Hutt really wants Hans Dingo, he owes him a lot of money. The bounty on him is huge!
Jango Vilt: Oh! Maybe we could take a vacation then! Maybe a cruise!
Glenda Fett: Heck yeah! Bounty Hunter fist bump!

Glenda Fett and Jango Vilt bump fists and waves their hands. They hit the boosters and their special bounty hunter ships moves like lightning. The pass by the Centennial Kiwi and fire off a few plasma blasts. These blasts disguise the fact that they also fired a tracking device onto the Kiwi! They pass on by several hundred meters and turn sharply, landing quickly inside a small ice cave they had previously mapped out on their sensors. Their ship hidden, they disembark, ready to cause some mayhem!

Hans Dingo: Oi! What the wookie was that?! That ship was so fast! How come the Kiwi doesn’t have engines like that?
Treybacca: Maybe their captain is very polite to his first mate and he tries harder to work on their ship!
Hans Dingo: Oh geez ya big furball are you still mad? I’m sorry ya hairy galoot! I only yell at you because I care! Are you happy now you smelly overgrown Ewok?!
Treybacca: Not really, that’s an unhealthy way to express affection Hans! Why do you always have to insult me?
Hans Dingo: I learned it from my father! It’s all I know!
Treybacca: After this is over, I’d like us to go back to couples therapy. I really think it could help us with our communication! I felt we were starting to make progress.
Hans Dingo: Sigh. I don’t like that doctor, he’s so judgmental! And of course you want to go back, he seems to think you are perfect and I’m the one that has to change!
Treybacca: I have things to work on as well, I need to not be so sensitive. Doctor Rothstein can really help you if you give him a chance! Please think about it Hans!
LokePO: Doctor Rothstein has a five star rating on Yelp Mr. Dingo sir! I can book an appointment if you like!
Hans Dingo: Ah Geez the things I do for you. Let’s get out of this alive first, then we’ll talk!
Treybacca: Sigh, there’s always a reason you won’t go!
LokePO: The awkwardness level just increased by 20%. Oh heavens!

Hans and Treybacca continue to express their emotions in an unhealthy way as they battle against the Venan assault. Hopefully one day Hans can learn to verbally express his respect and admiration to Treybacca, and the Wookie can in turn learn to accept that Han’s father set the stage for his problems verbalizing his emotions. Some people express their affection by their actions, instead of saying it. But that’s a problem for the two to work on another day. For now, there is a battle to fight!


Back on the battle field, Smokes is flying Alpha Squadron with confidence. He leads them to the CAT-CAT walkers and they begin their assault. He shines a laser from his ship which catches the attention of the lead CAT-CAT who tries to chase it. One of his squad mates then hits it from the side with a plasma missile barrage. It goes down!

Smokes: Yeah man! One down!
Unimportant Rebel Pilot: And boom goes the dynamite!
Smokes: Watch out for the next one! He’s aiming his…

The CAT-CAT walker fires off a quick succession of plasma bolts, it hits Smokes’ ship and the engine catches fire! He’s going down!

Red2D2: Fire suppression system off line! Beep Boop! Hold onto your bum Smokes!
Grem2D2: You know it’s a really breathtaking view from up here. Beep Boop!
Smokes: Son of a hazelnut! Ahhhhhhh

The ship lands hard in the snow. Other rebel pilots fly by overhead as the battle rages on. Smokes gets out of his ship slowly, he is shaken but unharmed. He leaves his two droids in the ship and heads into the battle on foot. He slowly trudges through the snow to the oncoming Venan walkers. He will have to continue the fight without his ship! Meanwhile, several thousand meters away, the two bounty hunters are having a blast! Literally, they are blasting through dozens of rebel troops with their skilled precision honed after many years of fighting.

Glenda Fett: And another one bites the ice! Pow! Pew pew! Die rebel scum!
Jango Vilt: This is almost too easy! After we’re done here you want to stop by that new coffee shop at the mall? Java the Hutt, it’s got five stars on Yelp and it’s only been open a month! They have a coupon for 20% off for all bounty hunters!
Glenda Fett: Yeah why not, I’d love to try a nice mocha Frappuccino. I always love a good coffee after a fight. Oh hey look up there on top of that ridge! We got a couple dozen rebels firing down at us. Time to break out the jet packs partner!

The two bounty hunters activate their jet packs. The deadly duo has been cutting a swath of destruction while on foot. Now, while airborne, they are even more dangerous. They swoop through the sky like eagles, firing their plasma pistols with insane accuracy. Rebel troops are dropping like stones left and right. Glenda swells up with pride and joy. She feels so happy she begins to sing. By an amazing coincidence the song she sings happens to sound exactly like “Be Our Guest” from the hit Disney movie “Beauty and the Beast,” now available on Disney DVD and Blu-Ray. Disney, resistance is futile!


I’m Glenda Fett, I’m the best!
And I can fly cuz I got jets.
I make kills with all my skills and it lets me pay my bills.
And along with Jango Vilt,
We will destroy all that you’ve built.
Cuz we understand our purpose,
Is to satisfy Lord Circus…

I’m…Glen…da…Fett
And with my jets,
We’ll kill every rebel I bet.
And we won’t stop until both these suns have set!
Look at all the rebels we’ve killed, just me and Jango Vilt,
I’m Glenda Fett, Glenda Fett, Gleeeeennnnda Fett!

Jango Vilt is enjoying himself immensely as well and joins in with his partner.

I’m Jango Vilt
I fight full tilt,
Just look at all the blood I’ve spilt!
I fight with cheer both far and near and then I’ll stop and have a beer.
Flying here is so nice, cuz I’m used to all the ice.
Back home in Canada we’re so polite!
I love to cut it loose, like a Canadian goose
I’m Jango Vilt, Jango Vilt Jaaaaangooooo Vilt!

The two bounty hunters finish clearing out the rebels on the ridge and give each other a high five while flying. They land on top of the icy ridge and receive a message from the Venan Command ship.

Sara Starkiller: Great job guys, I’ve been watching from orbit. You took out over 200 rebel troops! They are scattering like roaches! We’re waiting for them to try to leave the planet, why don’t you head into orbit and rejoin the Empire fleet?
Glenda Fett: Let’s go Vilt, if we hurry I bet we can make it to Java the Hutt before the lunch crowd!
Jango Vilt: I want to try the Maple syrup cappuccino! And then we can follow the tracking device on the Centennial Kiwi. With that bounty we can take a cruise!
Glenda Fett: You know it! Rebel scum drools and Bounty Hunters rules!

The two bounty hunters fly back to their ship and head into orbit to wait for the rebels to try to escape. The battle has not gone well for them. Princess Pau has been watching from the rebel base and she reluctantly gives the order to retreat! Smokes, who has been fighting on foot has managed to take down another CAT-CAT walker by using a grappling gun to get up to its belly and slicing with his lightsaber. It falls over with a heavy thud onto the ice as he receives the Princess’ orders. Smokes contacts Hans Dingo to come pick him and his droids up and return him to the rebel base. They make it there as it is under attack, shaking as each Venan plasma charge hits it! Ice is falling all over, the base will not last long!

Hans Dingo: This place is shaking like it’s listening to Taylor Swift!
Princess Pau: I’m having the rebels leave three ships at a time to slip through the Empire’s blockade. We will rendezvous at the edge of the system and head to yet another new secret base. Sigh, the Empire is so strong…
Hans Dingo: You know Princess, you are pretty strong yourself…I mean…for a lady!
Treybacca: Hans in addition to working on your communication with me, I’d also like to talk to Doctor Rothstein about your stereotypical views on women.
Smokes: Geez Hans come on!
Princess Pau: Thank you guys. You know Hans, you aren’t so bad. When you’re not being a jerk that is! Now we need to get out of here!
Hans Dingo: I’ll take you on the Kiwi, it’s the fastest ship we got here. I want to try out the new systems we installed anyway. Now’s a great time to see what she can do!
Treybacca: Now Hans, do you realize that you refer to your ship as a she? You have a high opinion of her, don’t you?
Hans Dingo: Well I’ll be…you’re right Treybacca. I guess I do have a high opinion of women after all!
Treybacca: I think we made a real breakthrough today, we can talk about it with Doctor Rothstein!
Hans Dingo: Fine, AFTER we escape!
Smokes: I’m not going with you guys, I have to go for Jedi training. From two WOMEN. JP spoke to me and told me what I need to do.
Princess Pau: General Konobi spoke to you? But…I thought he was killed by Darth Circus!
Smokes: He was, he can appear as a force ghost now. Or force spirit. Whatever, it’s like a blue glowing thing.
Princess Pau: I’m not going to ask about that further. Good luck Smokes…be careful! The rebels really need you!
Hans Dingo: Oi! Ya need me too!
Princess Pau: Yes Hans we do. Despite all your…shortcomings…you are a great and brave pilot.
Hans Dingo: Well! Now you’re bloomin the onion! Let’s get out of here!

Hans Dingo, Treybacca, Princess Pau and LokePO head to the Centennial Kiwi and take off. Smokes heads to his ship along with Grem2D2 and Red2D2. They reach orbit and say their goodbyes. Smokes uses his limited force skills to improve his reflexes and is able to slip through the Venan fighters. He makes the jump to light speed and escapes! His next stop, the planet Dagobra where he will train with two Jedi Masters! The Centennial Kiwi is being chased by a couple Venan fighters, and Hans gives the order to make the jump to light speed using the new systems they installed. The engines start powering up, their familiar sound getting louder until there is a strange clunking sound, and the hyperspace drives shuts off!

LokePO: Sir, it appears the hyperspace drive is out of alignment. Perhaps no one recalibrated the new drive with the plasma conduits. Oh dear! What an embarrassing error!
Hans Dingo: Ah ya gotta be kidding me! Treybacca did your fur get in your eyes or something?
Treybacca: I’m gonna go ahead and make the appointment with Doctor Rothstein. Now our communication problems are affecting work!


The Centennial Kiwi continues to fly in orbit, it’s hyper drive not operational. Several Venan fighters are heading right for it, their weapons charging! Most of the rebel pilots have already make the jump to light speed, the Kiwi and its occupants are on their own with no way to escape!



End of Part 2

[Famous_Fella_O_Nutella]

Guild Wars




Venan Strikes Back




Part 3



The Centennial Kiwi is alone, it’s hyperspace drive is not working and several Venan fighters are approaching! LokePO is quite nervous and he shuffles back and forth alternating between “Oh my!” and “Oh dear!” none of which is helping! Hans Dingo and his crew need to act fast to escape destruction at the hands of the Empire!



LokePO: Oh dear! Oh my! Oh heavens!
Princess Pau: Do something! We’re about to get blown up!
Hans Dingo: Oi! Quiet down and let me think…geez and the Empire’s Star Destroyer is here too! They brought out all the big guns!
Treybacca: Dr. Rothstein has an opening next Thursday, I’ve made the appointment. I’m going to be there whether or not you come Hans! We need to come together on this!
Hans Dingo: Oh geez Trey come on, let’s focus on the…come together…That gives me an idea!

Hans Dingo hits the turbo boost and the Kiwi roars into action. Although the light speed drive is not working, this old ship still has plenty of tricks up its sleeves. Hans heads right for the Venan Star Destroyer at full speed! The other members of his crew are shocked at this insane move. Right at the last possible second, Hans hits a button and the Kiwi turns on a dime, landing neatly below the sensor array on the underside of the massive Star Destroyer!

Hans Dingo: Ha! Just like a baby koala in its mama’s pouch! Although this is one mama I wouldn’t want to have!
Princess Pau: What…what just happened?! We are right on top of the Empire’s biggest ship! You’ve doomed us all! They’re going to kill us now!
LokePO: Actually Princess, the Venan Star Destroyer is built for long range attack and support. Although its sensors have remarkable range and sensitivity from far away, at extreme close range they are for all intents and purposes, blind.
Treybacca: Nicely done Hans! We’re hiding right in plain sight! To the Empire, it looks like we just disappeared! What do we do now though?
Hans Dingo: We wait for them to make the jump to light speed. Right before they jump, a ship of that size will ditch its garbage. We simply power off the ship and float away in the cloud of debris!
Princess Pau: Well well, looks like you have some brains up in that head of yours! I have to admit you’ve done it, Dingo! I am actually really impressed with you!
Hans Dingo: Looks like Smokes ain’t the only one who can be a hero huh Princess?

The Kiwi waits on the underside of the giant Venan ship. After several minutes of searching, the Empire gives up and prepares to continue on searching for more rebels to fight. The Star Destroyer opens up its rear refuse ports and tons of garbage streams out. The Kiwi takes this opportunity to quickly join the cloud of debris. They float among thousands of old Java the Hutt coffee cups, empty Nutella jars, and other items the Venan soldiers have thrown away. A couple of books float by, “How to deal with a Difficult Boss,” “Aiming your Blaster for Dummies,” and “It’s NOT your fault, How to get out of an unhealthy Work Environment” are among the titles. After the Imperial ship is done dumping, it makes the jump to light speed. Hans turns the Kiwi back up to full power.

Hans Dingo: All right! Now we need to get out of here!
Princess Pau: But where? The rebel fleet is scattered and the Empire is still going after them!
Hans Dingo: We need to lay low for a while. Besides, we have to work on the Centennial Kiwi! Without light speed we are stuck in this system. I think it’s time to pay an old friend a visit!
Treybacca: Caie?
Hans Dingo: Yup! My old pal Lando Caierissen! She’s in charge over at Cloud City, a gas mining operation. We go way back, I’m sure she’ll let us hang out for a bit and fix up the Kiwi!
Princess Pau: A friend of yours…well I guess we don’t have much of a choice!
Hans Dingo: That’s right we don’t! It will be fine, what could go wrong Princess? Now just sit back and let old Hans do his thing. It’s going to be a couple of days trip without our hyper drive, we’re going to be spending some time together.
Princess Pau: You know, that might actually not be so bad…


The Centennial Kiwi fires up its engines and heads to Cloud City, on the nearby planet of Bebop. Hans Dingo and the Princess begin to talk, for the first time it seems they are getting along. As the ship fades in the distance, there is movement in the debris field. Another ship has been hiding there as well! Two very clever bounty hunters begin following the Kiwi from a safe distance.


Glenda Fett: So, where do you want to go first on our cruise? Hans Dingo is worth a cool 1 million Didgeridollars from Shekka the Hutt!
Jango Vilt: You know, I’m not sure! Let’s look up ratings on Yelp later. I want one of those space cruise liners with lots of activities. Rock climbing, a wave pool, maybe some ice hockey.
Glenda Fett: Really? I would think you would want to relax after all this?
Jango Vilt: Oh, I don’t want to do any of those, I just want to watch others do them from my recliner. I find it…relaxing.
Glenda Fett: I am all about the buffet tables! I think I’m going to go collect the bounty on some steaks and lobster!


The two bounty hunters give each other a high five and continue on undetected to Cloud City, dreaming of the cruise they are going to take.




Meanwhile, the young and slightly handsome Smokes Nutwanker is on his way to Dagobra. He leaves hyperspace and enters orbit of the planet. The planet does not seem to be inhabited, all sensors show is a planet full of swampy nothing. No buildings, no power signatures, and only simple lifeforms.

Smokes: Gee, I’m not sure where to go now, looks kind of swampy down there. I bet it smells funny too!
Red2D2: Beep boop. Is that your keen Jedi intuition at work there buddy?
Grem2D2: Are you sure you’re just going to need two teachers? I feel like you would need the entire faculty at Hazeltine Community College to make progress with you! Beep boop!
Red2D2: He’s denser than a neutron star man! Beep boop!
Smokes: Geez guys. All right let me look up on Yelp here…let’s see… “Yoda One For Me” Bed and breakfast…oh here it is! “Yoda One For Me, B&B and Health Spa. A relaxing discrete place to meet for instructors and their students from all over the galaxy, and beyond. Privacy guaranteed. Hmmm…wow it has five stars! But…it doesn’t give an address. I’m not sure how we’re supposed to find it. I’m just gonna land!
Red2D2: Sounds like a great idea, just land anywhere on a swampy mess of a planet. Beep Boop. What does it matter, not like the fate of the galaxy is resting with you. Oh wait, it is!
Smokes: Sigh, I’m taking us in! Hold on guys!
Grem2D2: Hold onto what? And with what? We don’t have hands, and we are riding on the outside of your ship!
Smokes: I hope they have a droid daycare there…

Smokes pilots his ship and begins his descent onto Dagobra. The weather is very rough and it’s difficult to see. Before he knows it the ship is speeding fast through a tangled mess of trees and mist. He tries to pull up but it’s too late, the ship crashes into a swampy bog!

Red2D2: Attention passengers, if you turn to your right you can see a lovely swampy mess, and if you turn to your left you can see some more lovely swampy mess. And, if you turn around behind you, you can see one hell of a dumb pilot. Please take your luggage and thank you for flying with Nutwanker airlines.
Smokes: Geez! That was a rough landing! Ah nuts! The ship is sinking!
Grem2D2: Attention passengers, please remember to take your bag of peanuts with you. Maybe you can enjoy them as you sink beneath the bog to your deaths. As always, we know you have a lot of choices when flying to strange uninhabited planets, and we thank you for flying Nutwanker airlines.

Smokes quickly gets out of his ship and wades through a few feet of boggy swamp water to make it to shore. His two droids pop out of their slots on the top of the ship and plunge into the lagoon. A commotion is heard below the surface, there seems to be some sort of large creature living there! There is a lot of splashing and then everything goes quiet.

Smokes: Guys? Hey, guys are you ok?

Suddenly there is a huge splash of dirty swamp water as the two droids come flying out of the lagoon! They land on the shore on top of Smokes!

Smokes: Ow! Guys! You’re ok! What the heck happened?!
Red2D2: I guess whatever was living down there couldn’t stomach us!
Grem2D2: I can’t stomach our pilot! Can we eject him too?
Red2D2: Nah I’ve tried. He locked out those controls on his ship. Oh goody! A swampy, muddy hell hole of a planet. I guess we’ll just wheel around and have a look! Oh wait! Wheels don’t really work that well on swampy, muddy hellholes of a planet! Hey, want to go sit in one spot for a couple days?
Grem2D2: Sounds great! Can we rip on Smokes?
Red2D2: You know it droid bro!

The two droids sit on the shore making up new jokes about the young Jedi in training. Smokes gets his feelings hurt very quickly and decides to search around the area. His sunken ship cannot be reached, all he has is the few supplies he managed to salvage before it went down. He wades through a marshy area and makes it to a clearing. Suddenly, he sees a large shadowy figure approaching through the mist! It speaks to him!

Voice: Have you come to avenge your father?
Smokes: What?! Oh yes! Yes I have!
Voice: And to restore balance to the world? To defeat the one who has stolen everything from you? To become part of the circle of life?
Smokes: Yes! That is totally what I’m trying to do! Are you YoDanae? Or YodAleza?
Mufasa: No young Simba, I am the spirit of your father, Mufusa. You must defeat your Uncle Scar and take back Pride Rock!
Smokes: Um…what? I don’t understand…
Mufasa: Oh wait…you’re not Simba…oh…never mind. I thought you were someone else.

The spirit lion creature shrugs and moves off into the mist. Smokes stands there, completely confused. Before he can even think of what to do next he hears the sound of heavy footsteps approaching. He puts his hand on his lightsaber! Out of the mist comes…a giant yellow…bird?!

Big Bird: Oh! There you are kid! We’ve been looking all over for you! C’mon, the ladies have been waiting for you! JP told us you were coming.

The giant bird turns and walks away. After a few moments of hesitation, Smokes runs after him. He catches up to this strange yellow creature. Smokes sees he is smoking a cigarette and has several tattoos over his body.

Smokes: Um…hello? I was looking for relatives of Yoda, the Jedi Master? I’m supposed to…
Big Bird: Get trained, yeah I know buddy. That’s what we do here. Geez, where the hell did I park…Hey double D! Where did I park? I can’t find the hover car!

Another figure comes out of the mist. It appears to be an old man with a flowing beard.

Dumbledore: Man, I dunno BB, want me to fire off an illumination spell? Oh you found him! Cool, we can head back then.
Big Bird: Yeah he was wandering around in the mist, he ran into Mufasa. Don’t mind him, he likes to mess with new arrivals sometimes. Look at him he’s still shaking!
Dumbledore: Yeah he’s a student all right. He’s got that same dopey look Potter had. God I’m so glad to have a break from that kid! He just gets on my last nerve sometimes!
Smokes: Could someone please explain what the hazelnuts is going on?!

Big Bird takes a huge drag off his cigarette, finishing it. He drops it to the ground and puts it out with his huge orange foot. He looks intently at Smokes.

Big Bird: This is a planet for instructors and their students. We have pupils from all over the galaxy, and even beyond. It’s a hidden place where we can impart our wisdom and knowledge to the next generation. We also do spirit quests, dream quests, team building workshops, and children’s birthdays. You were supposed to sense where to go, but clearly you’re not at that level yet. My buddy and I got sent out here to find you and bring you back.
Smokes: Back? You mean to the, um…Yoda sisters?
Big Bird: Nah man, they ain’t his sisters. They’re like his cousins or something, I dunno. Come on, let’s go. You picked a good time, things are kind of slow this month so we’re getting ready for the party.
Smokes: Party?
Dumbledore: Being a teacher or guide is pretty stressful. We try to have a party every few months to kind of cut loose and stuff. We also like to swap notes and advice, we teach each other sometimes. No matter who you are, there’s always something new to learn.

The group gets into the hover car. Big Bird turns on the radio and hits the pedal to the floor. The vehicle peels off fast, riding above the swampy landscape. Smokes sits back in the plush comfy backseat and peeks at all the tattoos on Big Bird’s arm and the one large one on his back. It is a picture of a very kind looking man in a sweater. Above and below it are written, “Mister Rogers – Always in our Neighborhood, Always in our Hearts.” The hover car continues to speed away, shudders a bit as the engine coughs, and then goes even faster. Next stop…the “Yoda One For Me” Bed and Breakfast!




While Smokes is on a quest for Jedi training, another type of training is about to start. Aboard the Empire Star Destroyer, Cheryl has called a meeting of all the Venan employees. In a cavernous meeting hall sits thousands of Venan Stormtroopers in thousands of folding chairs. The Emperor, Darth Circus, and Sara Starkiller sit in the front row. Cheryl is standing in the front of the room next to a white board and a projector. A large basket of what appears to be stuffed Ewoks sits on the floor to her side.

Cheryl: Ok, let’s get started people! Some of you may know me, some of you may not. I know we have a lot of new faces here! We got the next model Dev Star being built so I know I’ve been busy with all that paperwork! Well my name is Cheryl “Cherry” DiStefano, and I am head of Organic Resources here at the Empire. Now, what exactly is “Organic Resources?” Anyone?

Sara Starkiller raises her hand with confidence.

Cheryl: Yes, Sara?
Sara: I believe that refers to us, the employees, all the organic lifeforms that make up the workforce.
Cheryl: Excellent, that’s correct! You get an Ewok!

Cheryl hands out a stuffed Ewok to Sara. It is wearing a T-Shirt that says “REACHING HIGHER, DARE TO INSPIRE, JOIN THE EMPIRE!”

Cheryl: Ok, well now as head of Organic Resources, or “OR” as we call it, part of my job is to make sure you all have a safe and comfortable work environment here, and on all Empire employment environments. Whether you are on a Star Destroyer, the Dev Star, or fighting rebel scum aboard a CAT-CAT walker, the Emperor wants you to feel comfortable. Now, we all know about the steps the Empire takes for your physical safety, the helmets, armor and blasters. These help keep your bodies safe. Well, safe from everything but a well-deserved choking that is! I’m looking at you Lord Circus! I’ve had to fill out a lot of “accident” forms because of you!

Darth Circus looks around the room shrugging his shoulders, mouthing the words “sorry!” The room fills with laughter. Emperor Venan laughs and shakes his head, shaking his fist at Darth Circus in pretend anger.


Cheryl: Ha, that’s our Dark Lord Circus! Anyway, in addition to the protective gear, you all know about the safety drills we do here on a regular basis. Fire drills, Oxygen loss drills, loss of gravity drills, and Dev Star being destroyed by a rag tag group of rebel drills. Man, that’s a lot of drills! Sometimes I feel I’m a dentist or something!

The room erupts in laughter again.

Cheryl: Anyway, in addition to making sure your guys are all physically safe, we also want to make sure you don’t have a “hostile work environment.” Now, who knows what a hostile work environment is? Anyone?

A Stormtrooper shyly raises his hand.

Cheryl: Yes? You would like to answer? And what’s your name?
Stormtrooper: Um, well I’m trooper DC-01469, um but they call me Doug.
Cheryl: Ok Doug ,what do you think a hostile work environment is?
Stormtrooper: Um, well, that’s like when you feel um, bullied at work or uncomfortable reporting to duty because um, like someone is harassing you?
Cheryl: Excellent Doug! Have an Ewok!

She tosses an Ewok to Doug. He catches it excitedly. Several other Stormtroopers look on with jealously.

Cheryl: Now, Doug said a very important word in his answer. “Harassment.” That’s what we are here to talk about today, specifically, “Sexual Harassment.” I know it can be a little uncomfortable, but we need to discuss it in order to educate you all, and to keep you safe! Now, this is when there is unwelcome sexual advances, requests for sexual favors, and other verbal or physical harassment of a sexual nature.

Darth Circus, the Emperor, and Sara Starkiller are listening intently while some of the Stormtroopers look uncomfortable. Well, if we could see under their helmets they would look uncomfortable. Cheryl talks for a while, explaining the subject and giving examples. She asks several more questions, handing out stuffed Ewoks for correct answers. After a half hour there is a large pile of Ewoks next to Darth Circus, a smaller pile next to Sara Starkiller and a very grumpy looking Emperor with a single stuffed Ewok sitting in his lap.

Cheryl: Ok, now that we all understand the basics, let’s go to a real life example. Recently, we had a complaint from a civilian. Some Empire soldiers were interrogating her and her husband as to the location of the stolen Dev Star plans. During the course of the interrogation, one of the Stormtroopers cut her husband in half with a well-placed blast from a plasma cutter. The top part of his body was sliced clean off and landed next to her. The Stormtrooper looked at the wife and said, “Wow, I was hoping to see you with your top off, not him!”

Cheryl looks around at the room. It is very quiet except for some nervous laughter.

Cheryl: Now, what that soldier said was offensive to that civilian. That was an example of sexual harassment. Imagine how she felt hearing that!

A Stormtrooper raises his hand hesitantly.

Cheryl: Yes? You have a question?
Stormtrooper: Um yes, well it’s just...well, I thought we were encouraged to make like, you know, funny or cool quips and stuff when we killed people. I mean, like the Emperor and the whole “ice day” stuff?

The room murmurs in agreement.

Cheryl: Yes, that’s true! When we terrify or try to intimidate the local population or the rebels, we are always encouraged to try to sound witty or cool using clever wordplay. That’s a definite goal. But, we can do that WITHOUT sexually harassing anyone. Now guys, think! What is something ELSE that Stormtrooper could have said to the wife WITHOUT making a sexually harassing comment?

The room is quiet for a bit, then people begin to murmur and discuss the subject. Finally, a Stormtrooper in the back raises his hand slowly.

Cheryl: Yes? What could he have said that would have been more acceptable? Something that was not sexually offensive?
Stormtrooper: Um maybe something like um…I dunno… “Gee, I didn’t know rebel scum was half off today?”

The room erupts in laughter. Emperor Venan claps his hands and Darth Circus nods approvingly. Cheryl smiles and begins to write that on the white board.

Cheryl:…was half off today…excellent! What’s another thing he could have said? Come on people, you’re all cloned from a smart guy!

Another Stormtrooper raises his hand, this time more confidently.

Cheryl: Yes? You over there!
Stormtrooper: Does your husband have any relatives I need to interrogate too? Maybe a…half-brother?

Darth Circus and Sara Starkiller burst out laughing along with the rest of the room. The Emperor is bent over, wiping tears from his eyes. Cheryl writes that one down on the white board as well.

Cheryl: Maybe a half-brother…ok! Do you see guys? We can still do our job, have fun AND not sexually harass anyone! I knew you guys would get it!

Suddenly a hand raises in the corner of the room. It’s the skinny floppy eared janitor. Several of the Stormtroopers see him and groan.

Cheryl: Yes, you have a question sir?
Ocar Car Binks: Meesa want to ask is it still harassment if the pretty lady WANT to be harassed? I mean, dey all want it me thinks, yousa know what I saying?

The janitor sneers and his long tongue sticks out of his mouth. The room gets very quiet. The Emperor is frowning and it suddenly it seems very awkward in the huge meeting hall.

Cheryl: No, sir I don’t know what you are saying. The definition of harassment is UNWANTED…
Ocar Car Binks: Oh but sometimes da ladys shes like a smooth man to talk nice to her she just don’t know it yet! You gotta be brave dose ladies like a da strong man they do!

Darth Circus is frowning and sitting with his arms folded. Sara Starkiller is glaring at the janitor. She looks at Darth Circus and makes a choking motion with her hands. Darth Circus laughs.

Cheryl: Now Mr. Binks, we’ve actually spoken about this before. To be honest, we are having this meeting because of you, last week you were caught drilling holes in the women’s showers to spy on employees!
Ocar Car Bink: No no no meesa was just making for drain the wata, have to drain all the wata in the hot showers, meesa always try to do a good job. I bet youssa could do a good job too pretty lady…
Cheryl: Mister Binks please!!!
Ocar Car Binks: Hey Cherry whysa you call me Meester? Yousa can call me…yours! Yousa pretty thing I love learning, yousa a good teacher! Maybe meesa teach you a few tings!

Ocar Car Binks gets up and begins to walk suggestively towards Cheryl. Her eyes get wide as the disgusting and immature janitor approaches. Darth stands up quickly and raises his hand. Mr. Binks stops dead in his tracks, his body seems to tremble. He makes a strange choking sound as his eyes grow wide. Darth nods at Sara.

Darth Circus: You want to try?
Sara Starkiller: Yes, my Lord! I’ve been practicing! This creep has been staring at me since I got here.
Emperor Venan: Actually, I’d love to join in as well. I seldom get a chance to have fun like this anymore. It’s mostly paperwork all day for me.
Darth Circus: You want to do a combination? You and me, and our apprentice?
Sara Starkiller: Oh a triple Sith? For real?!
Darth Circus: Start with a simple choke, then pull his tongue out slowly. Big V and I will finish it off!

Darth Circus lowers his hand and the janitor seems to recover, but only for a moment, for Sara takes over. Raising her own gloved hand, she closes her eyes and concentrates. She feel the rubbery, floppy neck of Ocar Car Binks in her mind, and squeezes. The janitor begins to choke, his mouth opens wide. Next, she mentally feels for his tongue, and grabs it with her force powers. The mentally feeble janitor tries to make an inappropriate comment about his tongue, but he cannot even get a word out. She begins pulling it out, soon it is fully extended, and vibrates like a pulled rubber band, or a guitar string. It makes a funny sound. Twaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaang!

Darth Circus: Excellent! What precision control you have! You kept his throat choked and then transferred to his tongue! It’s not easy to force grab such a slippery surface! Ok, now I’m going to show you a little force illusion, this one is a more advanced move!

Darth Circus focuses and creates an illusion and projects it onto the feeble mind of the space sanitation worker. Ocar Car Binks begins to writhe in pain! In his mind he is surrounded by lightsabers, they are chopping him into pieces! Then, he is whole again and being thrown out into deep space, he feels his body freeze and go numb. The cycle is repeated a few more times with different punishments and sensations. Sara watches, impressed. Emperor Venan rubs his hands together in anticipation.

Emperor Venan: All right DC, you set him up and I’ll knock him down!
Darth Circus: You got it, I think we softened him up enough. Sara, get a good look at this!

Darth Circus release the janitor from his manipulations and the Emperor takes over. Channeling the Dark Side of the force, he stretches out his hands and lightning shoots out! The electrical power arcs from his hands onto the tip of poor wretches tongue. The effect is immediate! The Emperor slowly amps up the power until Binks’ body starts to puff up. It suddenly seems to sink into itself and his body explodes! Darth Circus raises his hands and makes a force shield, protecting the three from the shrapnel. He then crushes the remains of the unfortunate Mr. Binks into a tiny ball. He crushes it even further, then further still. Sara is amazed at the amount of power the Dark Lord is controlling with such precision. Finally, he stops, and a small dull whitish stone falls to the floor. Darth Circus picks it up and holds it up to the light.

Darth Circus: Almost…just needs a few cuts now…

The Sith Master takes out his lightsaber and adjusts the blade until it is a tiny needle of light. He uses it to deftly cut the stone. In less than a minute he is done. He holds up the finished product…a gorgeous diamond! He lights it up high to show the room as the audience explodes in applause. He then presents it to Cheryl who squeals and takes it with delight. She then reaches over and grabs the basket of remaining Ewoks and gives it to Darth Circus. He holds it up over his head and the room again explodes into applause. One Stormtrooper turns to the soldier next to him.

Stormtrooper 1: I tell you man, the Empire has the BEST meetings! Now THAT’S a boss! THAT’S why we put up with the chokings!
Stormtrooper 2: Yeah man, I was talking to my friend Dennis, he works at Java the Hutt and he only gets 10% off coffee. And he has to buy his own apron!
Stormtrooper 1: So lame! Hey, could he get us free coffee?
Stormtrooper 2: If his manager isn’t around, heck yeah man! Let’s go!

The mood in the room is ecstatic. All the Venan soldiers are pumped, and can’t wait to tear into some rebel scum! It is not looking like a good time to be fighting against the Empire right now! It looks like the rebels are in for some serious trouble…




End of Part 3

[Famous_Fella_O_Nutella]

Guild Wars


Venan Strikes Back



Part 4



Smokes continues his ride in the hover car through the dark swampy planet of Dagobra. Big Bird blasts the radio as he drives. Dumbledore in the passenger seat reads an ancient book, highlighting certain passages and muttering to himself. Smokes nervously fiddles his thumbs in the back seat, wondering how his training will go, and if he will have what it takes to be a Jedi. The hover car suddenly slows down and Smokes looks up to see a clearing ahead. Amazingly, the sun is shining brightly in this one spot, and blue sky can be seen! There is a gorgeous, very large house sitting in the middle of this clearing. A fancy, old style wooden sign hangs by the pathway to the house. “Yoda One for Me – Bed & Breakfast and Health Spa,” it reads.


Big Bird: We’re here! Good luck man, you seem like an all right kid.
Dumbledore: Make sure you try the Padawan Puffs!
Smokes: Golly gee! Time to start my training!

Smokes opens the door to the hover car and steps out. He runs to the Bed and Breakfast front door while Big Bird lights up and smokes another cigarette. He looks up at the sky and slowly puffs away. Dumbledore gets out with his book, and goes to sit under a nearby tree to read. Smokes stops for a second to admire the building. It looks very old, yet brand new at the same time, like Hogwart’s School. He takes a breath, and steps up to the front door and knocks. He hears some movement in the house, and after the sound of some shuffling feet, the door opens! Two small greenish creatures stand in the doorway. They have long pointy ears, and are dressed in very stylish Jedi robes dyed in gorgeous colors. Their eyes seem very intelligent.

YoDanae: Ah, you must be the young Nutwanker! Come on in! I heard you had some trouble getting here!
YodAleza: We are kind of well hidden. Sorry about your ship, we’ll take a look at it later.
Smokes: How did you know about my ship? Oh…that’s right you’re Jedis! Well, it’s nice to meet you ladies. Yeah this building didn’t show up on any of my sensors! I had no idea where to go!
YoDanae: It’s called force stealth, or force concealment. With both of us focusing together we can hide our little slice of paradise here. In fact, we can even hide the memory of this place from people, if we chose too.
Smokes: Wow! The force can do so much! So far I can move hazelnuts out of my snack bag and into my mouth. Oh, and I can make a waiter think I tipped him when I really haven’t! I’ve saved like fifty didgeridollars!

The two Jedi Masters look at each other and sigh.

YodAleza: Well, young Nutwanker, JP just kind of opened the door to your force powers. We hope to show you how to walk through it…just like we did for your father…
Smokes: My Father?! You guys taught my father before…before he was killed?
YoDanae: Killed...ummm…well, Sucric Nutwanker was a gifted young pupil. He had such potential and power, even at such a young age. He actually came back here with your mother, Vidalia. We also do romantic couples vacations, they gave us a five star rating!
YodAleza: CLASSY romantic vacations. No rent by the hour stuff here!
Smokes: Wow…my parents were here! My mother’s name was Vidalia…I know so little about them…they were here, in this building…walking these halls... Five star rating…wait…

Smokes takes out his Jed-iPad and opens up Yelp. He looks again at the “Yoda One for Me” Bed & Breakfast. He scrolls through the ratings quickly. Far down, on page 120, he finds an entry written long ago by “Vidalia Nutwanker,” it reads, “We absolutely LOVED this place! YoDanae and YodAleza were the perfects hosts! You simply have to try their Padawan Puffs! They are great cooks and excellent teachers. My husband studied under them for an advanced Jedi course and found them quite illuminating. The building itself is very roomy and quite romantic, even my hubby enjoyed it and he can be a real grumpy nut! Make sure to check out their parties, if you have the chance! They rocked the roof off! Literally, the roof came off the place!”

Smoke: Wow…Mom…oh look at the date…hey, that’s nine months before I was born! Nine months before they found me under that cabbage leaf!

YoDanae and YodAleza look at each other and roll their eyes.

YoDanae: I think we need to add one more lesson to the syllabus.
Smokes: Oh can it be cooking?! I’d love to learn how to make those Padawan Puffs!
YodAleza: Oh Geez…YoDanae, I see what JP meant…this one’s gonna be a challenge.

A voice comes from other room. “I told you ladies!” Smokes looks up shocked…it sounds like…JP Wan Konobi?! He runs into the next room, a large living room with many comfortable couches. Sitting on a large comfy recliner with his feet up is…JP!!! He is all blue and glowy! He is watching a talk show, Maury Povich is helping women find the fathers of their children. A sassy alien is waving her tentacles at the guest and saying “OH HELLLLLL NO!” The audience is hooting and hollering. Maury is trying to comfort a crying blobby alien on the stage.

JP: Smokes my man! How’s it going? Glad you made it!
Smokes: JP…what…the heck are you doing here?!
JP: I had made reservations here before I died. No way I was going to lose out on that. You know how long it took me to save up that much money on my Jedi pension! Even death wasn’t going to stop me from coming back here.
Smokes: But…you’re a force ghost! Or spirit! Whatever! Aren’t you like one with the universe or something? You want to spend time hanging around on a recliner? Watching talk shows?
JP: Dude, you haven’t been to one of their parties! The entertainment here is amazing! There’s a reason they have five stars on Yelp.
Smokes: So you’ve just been hanging out here?! The Empire is kicking our bums! They attacked the rebel base! We’re on the run! The rebel alliance is going to lose at this rate!
JP: Yeah, things ain’t looking too good for you guys. You got your bum kicked by that creature on that ice planet. And man, Hans Dingo and Treybacca are fighting like an old married couple. He’s also having some problems in the bathroom. It’s his diet, way too many carbs and processed foods. And sugar. Oh and Princess Pau does this weird little hiccup thing when she laughs a lot. Hey, why do you always check yourself out when you pass a mirror? You planning on being a model or something?
Smokes: You’ve been watching us?! Are you kidding me?!
JP: Um…Hey so anyway I’m so glad you’re here, see you at the party later in the week. Konobi out!

JP throws up the peace sign and fades away. On the Maury Povich show, an alien has just been told “you are NOT the father.” He does a little dance while the audience hoots and hollers. Maury tries in vain to calm down the crowd while the blobby alien starts crying again. Smokes stands there stunned. YodAleza walks into the room.

YodAleza: Hey Smokes, you ready to start your training? I got like a dozen holo-DVDs for you to watch!
Smokes: Holo-DVDs?!
YodAleza: Yeah, YoDanae and I are having our own lesson soon, so we’ll be busy for the rest of today. Just hang out in your room and watch these. We will start the personal lessons tomorrow.
Smokes: Oh…ok sure. I’m just trying to save all the rebels, no big rush I guess. Hey, these are all about Jedis and the force except for this one. “Voyage to Adolescence: Making the Hyper Jump to Adulthood: A young life form’s guide to their changing bodies”
YodAleza: Yeah…YoDanae and I think you should watch that first. You really got behind on your growth there living among all those hazelnuts for so many years.

Just then YoDanae walks into the room, she is wearing tights and is all made up. She looks like she is trying to impress someone.

YoDanae: Hey girlie! He’s here! I just sensed his presence! He’ll be at the door soon! Get into your outfit!
YodAleza: Ohhh!!! How does he look?! I sense he wearing that fancy black shirt I love!
YoDanae: He looks delicious! Hurry up, I’ll get the sound system set up!

YodAleza shoves the holo-DVDS into Smokes confused hands and runs out of the room. YoDanae smiles at the young Jedi in training and waves goodbye. She runs back out into the hall. Smokes hears her open the front door. She greets someone warmly.

YoDanae: We’re so glad you could make it! I have to say you are one of my favorite dancers!
Patrick Swayze: No problem, I always love to teach new students! Anyone with a…passion to learn.
YoDanae: Oh well we are so eager to learn whatever it is you want to…teach us...I hope you don’t mind instructing two eager young college students! Hee hee!

YoDanae waves her hands in front of the man’s face. “I am totally a cute young college student.” Patrick Swayze seems to space out for a second, then seems to wake up. Smokes recognizes the Jedi mind trick at work!

Patrick Swayze: It’s no problem! You are totally a cute young college student! So are you and your friend on spring break or something?
YoDanae: Hee hee! Oh yes, we have a week off from classes. We need to let loose after such a stressful semester! She’s just getting ready, why don’t I show you our Dance Studio!

Smokes watches as YoDanae and the dance teacher head to the studio. YodAleza runs down the stairs soon after, she is wearing tights and is all made up as well. She goes in to the studio and closes the door. Soon, soft music drifts out from the room.


I’ve…had…the time of my life…and I never felt this way before…yes I swear…it’s the truth…and I owe it all to youuuuuuuuuu….


A very confused Smokes shakes his head and walks to his room. He’s excited to start his Jedi training, even if the first night will just be a holo-DVD education. He takes out “Voyage to Adolescence” and puts it in the Holo player. A staticky hologram projection appears of two creatures with many tentacles.

Tess Tos: Hello there young person! My name is Tess Tos! Tess Tos Tyrone! I’m gonna be spending some time with the fellas!
Estro: And I’m Estro. Estro Jen! Ladies, we are going to be besties! I just know we’re going to have a blast!
Tess Tos: And now, we’re going to take you on a voyage! A voyage…to adulthood! Let’s get aboard our ship, the PewBurt T!

The creatures get into their ship as the music swells. Smokes sits in his bed with a blanket over his head in the dark room and watches with fascination! The hosts start talking about “physical changes” and “strange feelings.” The PewBurt T lands on the “Adolescence Asteroid.” The hosts get out and start talking about “changing bodies.” Smokes smile slowly starts to fade and his eyes get wide. He wraps the blanket around himself tighter. Far away, the faint sound of footsteps and giggling can be heard as YoDanae and YoAleza start their own lessons. Young Smokes is oblivious to the outside world as he is enraptured by the Holo-DVD. The young Jedi’s education has begun!



Meanwhile, Hans Dingo and the group have been traveling at sub light speeds on their way to the planet Bebop. There, his friend Lando Caierissen lives on Cloud City, a large floating gas mining facility. The handsome bandit pilot and the princess have been actually enjoying each other’s’ company. They have bonded over making fun of LokePO, and have succeeded in hurting his feelings.

Hans Dingo: So then he goes “Oh heavens!” and he tries to pick up his head! And he shuffles over there and his foot kicks it like a soccer ball, and he goes “Oh dear!” Oh it was hilarious! It took him ten minutes to get it back on his body!
Princess Pau: Oh, he’s such a goofball! I mean I didn’t think anyone could be so clueless!
Treybacca: Hans, Dr. Rothstein has an opening next week! I’m making the appointment and I’m going, with or without you!
Hans Dingo: Ahh fine ya big hairball, I’ll go! What the hell!
Treybacca: Sniff! You mean it Hans! Oh, that means so much to me!
Hans Dingo: Ah well if it will shut ya trap I guess it’s worth it!
Treybacca: You know what, it doesn’t even matter why you’re going, just that you are!

Treybacca runs off happily to make the appointment to Dr. Rothstein. He then opens his holo diary and begins writing about how happy he is. Hans and Princess Pau continue to talk. It seems to two have begun to develop an attraction to each other. Hans has become a bit less brash, and the Princess has learned to loosen up a bit. Just as they are starting to really enjoy themselves, the Kiwi alerts them that that they are approaching the planet Bebop, a gas giant. Cloud City awaits!

LokePO: Approaching Cloud City! Oh heavens look at the size of it! An entire city just floating in the air!
Princess Pau: Oh Hans! It’s beautiful!

Cloud City is immense. An entire city floating in the upper atmosphere of a gas giant. On the lower levels, workers toil away running the machinery that harvests the planet’s gases. The upper levels are home to living quarters, shops, and entertainment. The Centennial Kiwi lands on one of the docking platforms. A figure with two armed guards approaches the ship. Hans looks a little nervous. The group lowers the landing ramp and walk out…

Hans Dingo: Lando Caierissen! It’s been ages!
Lando Caierissen: Hans…you have a lot of nerve showing up here!
Princess Pau: Uh oh…Hans I thought you said this was a friend of yours…
Hans Dingo: Caie hey come on it’s me! Listen I know last time we talked things were a little tense but I thought you would have forgotten about that by now!
Lando Caierissen: Ah I’m just messing with you, good to see you! Hey, what have you done to my ship?!
Hans Dingo: Hey! You lost the Kiwi to me fair and square! We just need a few repairs! We kind of ran into some trouble!
Lando Caierissen: You? Trouble? When are you ever not in trouble. Come on in man we’ll get the Kiwi fixed up again. It’s gonna be mine again one day, after all!

The rest of the group relaxes as Hans and Caie start to joke around. Caie shows them around the City, it really is impressive. LokePO shuffles around behind them, and is soon separated from the group. While wandering around trying to find them, he opens a door and shuffles in.

LokePO: Oh heavens! What are…

The droid’s words are cut off abruptly. The sound of a metal body hitting the floor with a heavy clatter are heard...

Meanwhile, the rest of the group are enjoying their tour of Cloud City. Caie has been showing them around the various highlights of the city. He leads them to their quarters where he leaves them to rest after their journey. Treybacca has noticed that LokePO is missing, and decides to go look for him. Wandering around the city, he finds the dismembered remains of their golden droid friend in a recycling bin where he was minutes away from being melted down! He fights off some of the automated droids down there and grabs all Loke’s parts. He brings them back to their quarters to show the group.

Treybacca: Look at this! He got torn apart!
Princess Pau: Oh what happened to him!
Hans Dingo: We were tearing him apart pretty good with our insults! Maybe they finally took effect!
Treybacca: The poor guy, I’m gonna try to put him back together. I wonder what happened.
Hans Dingo: Eh he probably wandered off somewhere and fell or something. He’s not too bright for a droid I think.
Princess Pau: That’s really strange. This whole city is kind of strange. I mean everyone is really smiling. Caie seems really happy too, almost too happy, like she’s putting on an act.
Hans Dingo: Now you’re getting paranoid Princess! Relax! We’re home free now! Once we fix up the Kiwi we can just get the hell out of here and meet up with the rebels!

Just then the door beeps and in walks Caie. She greets the group and asks how they are enjoying her city.

Princess Pau: It’s really wonderful here, I’ve never been on a floating city before!
Lando Caierissen: It’s not often we get a princess here, you are at home among the clouds, your highness.
Princess Pau: *giggles* Oh you!
Lando Caierissen: I came to invite you all to lunch. We are having a little banquet in your honor.
Hans Dingo: Oi! I’m starving! I hope you have some bloomin onions!
Lando Caierissen: I’ll just let it be a surprise. Oh, did you have some problems with your droid? He’s all in pieces!
Hans Dingo: Eh, he probably wandered into some trouble or something, we’ll get him fixed up later.
Lando Caierissen: Well, let’s go! It’s good to see you again Hans, I wish you had come before…well, nevermind.

Lando pauses strangely and looks sad. She then recovers and smiles again. She leads the group past many large hallways until they reach a fancy section of the city. She talks a bit about Cloud City.

Lando: The Empire has pretty much left us alone, we are kind of on our own here.
Princess Pau: The Empire’s reach is far, aren’t you concerned about them finding out about your operation here?
Lando: That’s always a concern of ours, but we recently made a deal that should keep the Empire from bothering us.
Hans Dingo: Oi? And how did you manage that?

Lando pauses in front of a large set of doors. She presses a button and the door opens. Before them lies a large table, set up for a big banquet. At the head of the table sits…Darth Circus!!! Hans quickly takes out his blaster and fires several time at the Dark Sith Lord! Circus stands and raises his hand and the plasma bolts are blocked. He then motions, and Han’s blaster is ripped from his grip! It lands on the table by Darth Circus, and he sits down again. From behind him, Glenda Fett and Jango Vilt walk out. The group has been ambushed!!!

Darth Circus: Please, join me. I don’t get to have friends over for lunch that often. You really have to try these Cloud City Meringues. I know it’s a lot of sugar and carbs but I give myself a cheat day now and then. It feels so good to be bad sometimes, wouldn’t you agree?
Glenda Fett: They really are good, I’ve had like ten I’m embarrassed to say!
Jango Vilt: I don’t think we’re going to fit into our armor tomorrow Glenda! But you know what, it’s worth it! You’ve got to let loose sometimes!

Lando Caierissen: I’m sorry Hans, they got here the day before you did. I had no choice!

Hans, the Princess and Treybacca slowly walk into the room with Darth Circus. The doors close behind
them. The group has been captured by the Empire, betrayed by an old friend!



End of Part 4

[Famous_Fella_O_Nutella]

Guild Wars


Venan Strike Back


Part 5



The crew of the Centennial Kiwi have been captured, and a pair of clever bounty hunters have earned their fee. Darth Circus sits at the table with Hans Dingo, Princess Pau, Treybacca and Lando Caierissen. He has a meal set up for them, their last meal…as free rebels!

Darth Circus: Hans, I know you love bloomin onions so I had a plate of them cooked up for you. Princess, I know you like fancy deserts so you’ll find a lovely assortment of some by you. Treybacca, I’ll be honest, I really wanted to make something nice for each of you but I kind of came down with a bad case of not giving a Sith so I just got you a plate of bacon. I figure you can’t go wrong with bacon!
Treybacca: Actually, I LOVE bacon. And I understand ALL about getting tired trying to please someone and just wanting to give up!

Treybacca glares at Hans Dingo and begins eating the bacon angrily.

Princess Pau: You know, I should be angry but these are REALLY good! These Cloud City meringues are amazing!
Darth Circus: The secret is to lightly fluff the eggs whites BEFORE you add the sugar!
Princess Pau: YOU made these?
Darth Circus: I wish! No, the lovely Cheryl made these! I don’t know what I would do without her! She always knows what I like, she just gets me!

Cheryl shyly steps out from the kitchen and waves. She is wearing an apron that says “Running away to join the Circus!”

Cheryl: Aw shucks Lord Circus, it wasn’t nothing!
Darth Circus: Now Cheryl, that’s simply not true! These are unbelievable. I must have…choked…down like ten of these already! I need to stop or I won’t be fitting into my suit anymore!
Cheryl: Oh I don’t believe that, you’re in such great shape! So athletic and fit…


Cheryl smiles at Darth Circus while he tears into some bacon, and her eyes seem to sparkle. Princess Pau and Treybacca look at each other, there seems to be a bit of chemistry between the Dark Lord and his OR director. Hans Dingo is oblivious to all of this as he noisily tears into his bloomin onion. Treybacca looks at Hans and sighs. The Princess rolls her eyes and has another Cloud City meringue. The captured rebels have a very enjoyable meal. Darth Circus finally pushes himself away from the table and loosens his belt.

Darth Circus: Man, I am going to have to work this off. I’ll need to force choke like fifty Stormtroopers after that meal! Maybe have a big lightsaber battle with a long lost relative or something too!
Hans Dingo: I have to admit that was a fantastic bloomin onion! It was so juicy and flavorful!
Darth Circus: A little pat of butter in the middle keeps it from drying out and adds a creaminess to it!
Hans Dingo: You made this?!
Darth Circus: Nope! Cheryl again! She really is something! I’m so lucky to have her! After a hard day of force choking rebel scum it’s so nice to come home to a low carb high protein meal!

Cheryl smiles and turns red, she quickly runs back to the kitchen. Princess Pau looks at Treybacca again. He smirks and makes a kissy face. The Princess laughs.

Hans Dingo: The only thing missing was some Vegemite on some toast!
Darth Circus: Oh, I have a feeling that before the day is over you will be getting all the Vegemite you can handle…
Hans Dingo: I’ll just interpret that statement in the most positive way I can.
Darth Circus: Ok, well I’m glad you enjoyed your last meal as free rebel scum, I need to talk to Lando now about business stuff. The bounty hunters here will escort you to the freezing chamber and get you all set up there. Then after that is done you will be shipped off to Shaklee the Hutt and we’ll call it a day! Ok, later gators! Ohhh…it’s hard to move after all that good eating! I feel like such a pig but hey, what happens in Cloud City stays in Cloud City!
Princess Pau: Freezing chamber?! Shaklee the Hutt?!
Glenda Fett: Yup, our payment for capturing you guys is huge! We get to present Hans Dingo to Shaklee the Hutt, he’s worth quite a lot of Didgeridollars!
Jango Vilt: Oh Glenda, I found three great cruises, we can pick which one we want on the way to the Hutt planet.
Princess Pau: Wait! What about me? What is going to happen to me?
Glenda Fett: Oh I’m sure Shaklee can use you for something or other, maybe you can, I don’t know, dance for him in a gold metal bikini. I’m just guessing here.
Princess Pau: That was a very specific guess.
Glenda Fett: Yes, It was. Now let’s get going my little princess prisoner, Jango Vilt and I want to get our cruise started!
Jango Vilt: Glenda! You won’t believe the amount of food they have on the cruise! I’ve been checking out their website, they have three different meal plans! Ewok, Wookie, and Dev Star!!!
Glenda Fett: Sign us up for Dev Star!!!
Jango Vilt: Already picked! Two Corner Emperor Rooms, two Dev Star Meal plans, and two personal servants!
Glenda Fett: We get servanst?!
Jango Vilt: They make the Bronze class passengers serve us Platinum members! Plus you won’t believe the toilet droids! Oh, forget it, I don’t want to spoil it!
Glenda Fett: Oh man! Let’s get moving! I’m going to eat so much my jet pack ain’t going to be able to lift me an inch off the ground!



The bounty hunters lead their captured rebel prisoners out of the dining hall and down several corridors as they make their way to the freezing chamber on the lower levels of Cloud City. Meanwhile, back on Dagobra, young Smokes is having trouble sleeping. It is 2 am in the morning and he is staring at the ceiling, just slightly traumatized after the two hour educational holo-DVD. While trying desperately to erase certain pictures from his mind, he hears the faint sound of laughter. He gets out of bed and goes to his window and looks out. There is a faint light coming from the back yard of the bed and breakfast. It looks like some people are having a campfire. Smokes can make out the rather large outline of Big Bird. He puts on his junior Jedi robe and Ewok slippers and heads outside. As he gets closer he can see quite a few people are sitting around a rather large campfire, laughing, talking, and making s’mores. He sees several faces he recognizes, as he gets closer people smile and wave him over to join them. His two teachers are among the group.

Big Bird: Smokey boy! Hey hey how’s it going man!
YoDanae: There’s our little Jedi in training!
Patrick Swayze: Nice robe Smokes! Man I gotta try that, these tight shirts I wear are so constricting!
YodAleza: Oh Patrick but they look so good on you!
Smokes: Hey guys, I’m having trouble sleeping. I’m nervous about my training and all I guess.
Big Bird: Yeah our students are always freaking out at some point, usually they have to save the world, or universe, or Christmas or something.
Patrick Swayze: That’s why I just stick to teaching about dancing…and love.
Dumbledore: Geez yeah, I’d love to just have to teach some kid how to like build a birdhouse or something! It’s a lot of pressure for us too!
Smokes: Yeah…I guess I didn’t think about that. It must be tough for you guys also. I just have so much on my mind…

Smokes sits around the campfire and watches the flames dance. Big Bird is staring at it while he lazily puffs on some sort of water pipe contraption. It bubbles as he breathes into it. A couple of other teachers and strange creatures sit around the campfire as well. They pass the strange device around and breathe its funny smelling smoke.

Smokes: Yeah, my father was a really great Jedi, supposedly one of the best. I want to be like him, but I don’t know if I can. His name was Sucric Nutwanker, and he was killed by Darth Circus who’s now trying to take over the galaxy!
Big Bird: You’re the son of Sucric Nutwanker! But he’s not…

YoDanae looks sharply at Big Bird, and he stops in midsentence. Smokes thinks it’s a little odd, but everything at this place is quite odd. Quite odd indeed.

Big Bird: He’s not…around anymore because he is dead. Totally and completely dead.
Smokes: Yeah…I know…
Big Bird: Wow…so you’re Sucric’s son! Jesus! That’s something! Hey! Jesus! You hear this kid yapping about his Dad? Trying to live up to a legend? You know something about that man!

A bearded man wearing a robe and sandals looks up at the mention of his name. He passes the water pipe to the next person sitting around the fire.

Jesus: Yeah man, I hear. Listen kid, don’t worry so much about making your Dad happy. I spent years trying to be like my father, all it got me was lots of trouble. He wanted me to take over this little racket he had going over on some backwater little planet. I tried for years to be something I wasn’t, to make him happy.
Smokes: Oh? You mean you were trying to live up to his reputation? How did it go?
Jesus: Horrible man, those people were such a drag. So backwards! I tried to use my powers for good, my old man was so mean and hard core. I was going to do things my way! When I took over I decided I was going to be all about love and forgiveness and all, but those backward apes just got so freaked out. I finally had it! I faked my death and just traveled around until I found something I liked. My Dad was so mad but you know, for the first time I was happy!
Smokes: What did you end up doing?
Jesus: I found this awesome little bald dude who really changed my life! He was so wise, but talked kind of funny. Man was he a hoot!
Smokes: Yoda?
Jesus: Nah, his name was Buddha. He was just so chill! I mean, he was all about love and peace also. I have to say he really taught me a few things. I used to be so arrogant, like telling people what to do and how to live their lives, like I was a King or something! I hung around him until he died, then I just got back in my ship and I just travel around now man.
Smokes: Where do you go?
Jesus: Wherever the universe takes me dude, wherever the universe takes me.
YodAleza: Smokes, don’t worry so much about being like anybody else. You are you, so you need to be the best you that you can be. You will never be just like your father…nor should you try to be!
YoDanae: That’s right, young Jedi, you are your own person. You know, I think it’s time for another lesson. YodAleza, let’s give Smokes a little nocturnal mission!

Smokes turns very red and starts to stammer.

Smokes: Nocturnal mission? But…but… Tess Tos Tyrone said that only happens when you’re asleep! And it’s perfectly natural and nothing to be embarrassed about!

The two Jedi Masters look at each other and sigh.

YoDanae: No, not nocturnal emission Smokes. Mission. We have a little night mission for you.
YodAleza: Stare into the fire, clear your mind of all thoughts and feelings. Just watch the fire, see it dance. Feel it’s heat.

Smokes tries to clear his mind of all thoughts as he stares into the fire. It’s hypnotic, watching the flames flicker and jump.

YoDanae: The force is like that fire. It moves, it’s an energy. It can provide us with a way to see things more clearly. And…it can also burn…and destroy…IF we’re not careful! It can easily get out of control.
YodAleza: The heat of the fire is something we can all feel, it touches us all as we sit around it. The force is a power that also spreads out and connects us all.
Smokes: Connects us all? What do you mean? How does it connect everyone?
YoDanae: Close your eyes Smokes, I want to try something. See the darkness, the emptiness. Now, reach out with your mind into the nothingness.

The young Jedi closes his eyes. He feels he is floating alone in an endless void. Suddenly, he feels something, it feels warm, and kind…and slightly…green? In his mind, he hears a voice!

YoDanae: Smokes, can you hear me? Try to respond!

Smokes is shocked to hear YoDanae’s voice in his mind! He tries to answer her.

Smokes: I’m hungry, I sure would like one of those S’mores!
YoDanae: So why don’t you make one!

Smokes opens his eyes. His two teachers are looking at him and smiling. The words they spoke to each other were completely in their minds!

Smokes: Holy hazelnuts! We just talked! But…we didn’t use our mouths! How did we do that?
YoDanae: The force, young Smokes.
YodAleza: Remember, the force connects all things, it fills all the empty spaces in the universe. You can use it to communicate with others, and for others to communicate with you.
Big Bird: They mostly use it to order stuff from Amazon without having to open their JediPads.
YoDanae: The force is SO handy! Once you know how to use it.
Smokes: That’s amazing! What else can the force do?!
YodAleza: Well, you can move stuff without touching it. You can sense people nearby in your surroundings. You can find out things that are happening far from you, and you can see things that happened long ago!
Smokes: See things that happened long ago…YodAleza…could…could I use it to see my father and mother?
YodAleza: Well, I think YoDanae and I could do that, and then project it to the group here. Kind of like a mind movie!

Smokes: Let me get my S’mores ready! I’m starving!

Smokes is very excited to see his parents, and his stomach is rumbling. He is imagining wolfing down a couple s’mores, he can smell their deliciousness. Without thinking, he reaches out with his mind and grabs a couple off the nearby plate by the fire. They float over to his hand and he grabs it and takes a bite.

YoDanae: Smokes! You just grabbed some s’mores with the force!
Smokes: Oh! I…didn’t even realize it! I was just hungry.
YodAleza: Those are pretty delicate, you didn’t even smudge the marshmallow at all! I’m surprised, that was pretty good!
Smokes: I’ve always been fond of eating. I guess I was motivated by how good they smell.
YoDanae: I think we know how to reach our student now YodAleza!
YodAleza: I better get started in the kitchen tomorrow. I have a feeling we’re going to need plenty of motivation for this one!
Smokes: Right now I’m motivated to see Sucric and Vidalia!
YoDanae: All right, everyone close your eyes!

Around the fire, everyone closes their eyes. The two Jedi masters focus, and think of a time a little over 21 years ago, not too far away from this very place. A strange feeling envelops Smokes, suddenly he feels like he is moving very fast, and then it seems as if he is falling. The darkness and silence fall away and a brilliant light appears! It’s a beautiful sunny day and birds are chirping. The Yoda One for me Bed and Breakfast is in front of him. Voices are heard from behind him, and Smokes sees his two teachers walking down the path with a woman between them. They are walking right towards him, seeming not to see the young Jedi. As he is about to put up his hand they walk right through him! They continue on, chatting among themselves! Smokes realizes this is all in his mind, he is watching a scene from long ago!

YoDanae: Well, he certainly is talented. He’s made incredible progress in just these two weeks. He was born to use the force. I see why you are so impressed with him. He’s easy on the eyes as well.
Vidalia: Yes, he’s so cute, even in those Jedi robes. You should see his abs!
YodAleza: Oh! Do you have pictures?!
Vidalia: Oh yes, Holy Sith I have to show you. So you know we went for a walk around the lake last night…
YoDanae: Tell me more!

The three women laugh, and continue walking. The scene suddenly shifts, to not that far away. Two men in robes are walking down another path. Smokes recognizes JP Wan Konobi, but he looks much younger. There is another man walking with him. He looks kind of familiar…

Sucric Nutwanker: Yeah so they said I’m doing really good. I still don’t know if being a Jedi is for me but I do like being able to use the force.
JP: Of course being a Jedi is for you, aren’t these robes great? It’s a lot of work sometimes yes, but you get the satisfaction of helping to keep order in the universe. So, I notice you and Vidalia are spending a lot of time together. You know, Jedi are not really supposed to date.
Sucric: I’m not a Jedi yet. Besides we have a lot in common. There’s just something about this planet, it’s really strong with the force or something. I just feel we have a real connection…we’ve been having a great time together.
JP: So tell me more!

The scene suddenly shifts back to Vidalia and the two Jedi Masters, and music seems to start out of nowhere. The two groups begin singing a song that by an amazing coincidence happens to sound exactly like “Summer Nights” from the hit musical Grease. The scene the group is watching splits in two, and both sides can be seen as they sing their part. Smokes can’t help but think this is even more odd than usual.


Sucric: Jedi training, had me a blast!
Vidalia: Jedi training, I feel he will pass!
Sucric: I met a girl, crazy for me.
Vidalia: I met a boy, cute as can be.

All: Sunny days, drifting away
To ah, to those Dagobra Nights.

JP: Well a well a well a huh!
Tell me more tell me more
Is she really a Queen?

YoDanae: Tell me more tell me more
How’s he stay so lean?

All: Uh huh, uh huh oh woooooahhhh

Sucric: There she was, calibrating a probe
Vidalia: There he was, in his Jedi robe.
Sucric: I came over, showed her the force
Vidalia: He came over, flirting of course.

All: Happy as can be, at this B and B oh oh oh
But those Dabobra nights!

JP: Well a well a well a huh!
Tell me more, how’d you meet
Was she like a good neighbor?
YodAleza: Tell me more, what’s he got?
Did you see his light saber?

All: Uh huh, uh huh oh woooooahhhh

Sucric: But now it’s ending, trainings almost complete
Vidalia: Now it’s ending, right after we meet.
Sucric: The sun is setting on our love tonight but…
Both: Oh…..heh…Oh those Dagobrah……Niiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiights!

All: Tell me more tell me moreeeeeeeeeeeeeee!


Sucric and Vidalia finish up their song in a spectacular fashion. Everything goes black and Smokes opens his eyes, he is back around the campfire with the group. He is amazed at how real it all seemed.

Smokes: Wow! I saw him, my Father! Golly he sure kinda looks like an older Darth Circus! And my mother, she was beautiful! So that was the past when they first met or something? Why were they singing? And how did they choreograph and match up their song even though they were on opposite sides of the resort? And since when could JP hold a tune? And you guys were friends of my mother? I have so many questions!
YoDanae: I’m sure you do Smokes but let’s just ignore them all for now. I want to tell you something else about the force, something very important!
Smokes: Yes?! What is it?
YoDanae: The forces comes from Midichlorians, small microscopic magical creatures that live in your body. The more you have, the more force power you have.
Smokes: What?! For real…you mean inside me, I have…

YoDanae and YodAleza burst out laughing.

YodAleza: I’m sorry Smokes, we’re just messing with you. That was what they used to think thousands of years ago before we got, you know, science and all.
Big Bird: Ha! Can you imagine! Little magic bacteria in your body that give you powers! Man, people sure were dumb back then.
Jesus: Little magic creatures! Ha! How would that even work man? Hee hee hee!
YoDanae: I know, I mean if that was true the force would be a total laughingstock!
Smokes: So…the force comes from…
YoDana: The force just IS! Don’t think too much about it! Now, it’s time for a campfire song! Are you ready YodAleza?
YodAleza: You got it! This one’s for you Smokey boy!


The two Jedi masters strum up their guitars and begin to sing a song that by an amazing coincidence happens to sound exactly like Another Brick in the Wall by Pink Floyd.


When we were little padawans,
There were certain Sith who would
Hurt people in any way they could.
By focusing the force, on their anger and their hate,
Always wanting more, even with full plates.
It was their fate!
But following that path it seems,
Will never grant their twisted dreams
Hate makes you frown and drags you down,
And all those that you know!

Ooooooo oooo ooo,
Ooooooo oooo ooo

You need a Jedi education!
*guitar riff*
You need to learn some force control!
*guitar riff*
No Dark Side Powers in this classroom!
*guitar riff*
Darth Circus leave poor Smokes alone!
Hey! Circus! Leave poor Smokes alone!
Take our course, about learning the force!
Yes our course, really teaches the force!

The number one course in using the force!
If you don’t learn the force you can’t beat Darth Circus!
How can you beat Darth Circus if you don’t learn the force!



Big Bird, Dumbledore and Jesus are all waving their hands in the air. They then devour the S’mores that Smokes had not yet eaten, they appear to be very hungry. Jesus and Dumbledore in particular are very messy and get the s’mores all in their beards. Smokes looks down sadly at his empty plate, now just full of crumbs. Now that they are full, the three s’more thieves pass out around the campfire. Smokes looks around at his teachers.

Smokes: I guess I’ll go to bed now. Thanks for the song and everything, Masters! Are you guys staying up still?
YoDanae: Uh yeah, go to bed Smokes, YodAleza and I are just gonna get a quick uh…dancing lesson in with Patrick here.
Patrick: Again?! Ladies, I have to say I’m impressed, and a little scared!
YodAleza: Oh, you’re not scared yet but you will be, you…will…be!

Patrick Swayze laughs with the two Jedi Masters as he walks back to the bed and breakfast. Smokes takes off his Ewok slippers and begins to drift off to sleep. He thinks he can hear music just as he passes out…

I’ve…had…the time of my life…and I’ve never felt this way before…yes I swear…it’s the truth…and I owe it all to you…



End of Part 5